Sobering up with the postmature baby. Last november I pretty much crashed and renounced my 'role-models' because I despised the idea that I should like to be more like any other man than myself.. That any other man should be 'the man' for any length of time was totally unacceptable to me, at that exact moment. I kept renouncing, and men kept stepping up. I ended up quite lost, with some kind of resentment for all other men in my heart. Right now my position has mollified somewhat, although I still wish to be at best neutral with respect to other men. I want the company of women (although that extreme has proven to be less than ideal as well) and I understand the appeal of having male friends (army, people who are like you and want to work towards the common goal).

My goals stay similar to always. Alone, I can control my perception of the world more easily. I want to explore and have a businesslike and clear-cut relationship with other men. I want power over them, violent power, yet I don't want that to even be a remote possibility, much less a necessity, since I would choose peace across the board if possible (isn't that how it is in paradise?).