Julia != Julie

My biggest fear right now is that I'm being stupid about my relationship with Julia. It's like I'm either at one extreme or the other, totally nonchalant and playing it cool, or totally clingy and asking for too much. It's just so coincidental, what attracts me about her, that she was married to a guy named Ryan, etc.. Telling myself that I'm older, more mature, and 'ready for it' now is one thing that has helped me believe that I could overcome the pattern this time.

So looking at the positives, I mean it's hard not to get wrapped up in a spiral of attraction, where I just end up wanting like a madman, without really being able to justify it. I don't want to be on the wrong end of unrequited love, either. She's beautiful AND her personality is just unbelievable too! She's sexy and likes sex, I mean that combination is just so rare! We both like eating healthy, and she knows all these recipes and likes to cook!

Super independent kind of gets me sometimes, I mean I don't know anyone who doesn't put themselves first, but I really want for her to want me more. I mean I know she's a lot more experienced in relationships than I am, but I don't want to be just another relationship to her!

So all I can say is that I'm working on believing that this is really an opportunity for a long-lasting and meaningful relationship, and if I let my pattern fears get in the way I'm really going to have blown a huge opportunity! Of course, my emotional armor won't let me get involved if involved means vulnerable, but the fact that I just threw out some of my beliefs to be what she wants kind of scares me in what it seems like I've invested. And we can have a Rabbi if she wants, I just want her.