Recent dream about living in the wild, as a small tribe of folks who had guns, trying to fend for themselves in competition with and largely outnumbered by the other tribe, who was aggressive for some reason.

Almost made it, but they overtook us at the end. Listening to the Cranberries' song Zombie now, it seems particularly fitting, as I felt like it mirrored the situation I find myself in sometimes trying to make decisions not to feel desolate.

Things on my mind these days:

-Does tailgating an 18-wheeler on the highway reduce wind resistance significantly?
-When people say drugs are illegal because of money, I think they're right, but not for the reason some people are so fond of conspiring (drugs cartels are paying the govt). I think that it's because consciously or subconsciously, the wiser majority has seen that (some) illegal drugs just aren't sustainable, neither micro or macro-economically. That is, they cost more to produce than could ever be worth it to consume. In this environment, anyway. [Edit: just a theory, not sure how I like it yet, don't bite my head off.
-If I'd ever admit to being sad (big if) it would have to be because there's so much I want to do. For example, I want to do as little work as possible (or at least work on my own terms, and work on what I want, as opposed to being forced to work to sustain myself, "for a living"). Yet, there's a lot of luxury I want to experience..

Deja vu while looking up stuff I missed from class because I was surfing the web for personal interest. Its perspective was so harsh, treating me like a new freshman (I get that a lot this semester), that I blamed the prof. I've felt this way before, my first semester. Not a good memory, changing it this time..

Patterns update: Feel like I'm reliving my senior year of high school.. :(

It's weird, for the past several days, no matter how late I've gone to bed the night before, how upside down my sleep schedule has been, and most peculiarly, no matter how long I wish to toss and turn in the morning, every single time I get up to check the time on my watch (I know, no alarm clock is an annoying trailing habit I should break.. just find me a suitable one)..

Right so anyway, every day for the past several days when I've gone to check the time it's been exactly 8 am (or 9 this weekend I think, point is the exactness), Exactly! It's like I have a virtual wake up call!

Making the right decision: Expected Value Theory:

The worst that can happen:

Oh, I won't write about that, I mean let's not be pessimists here. So there's not getting good enough grades in school, which leads to not graduating and having my whole mom's side of the family be disappointed in me. Dad too, probably. Then there's not making probation (they have all they need to use against me) and getting fired from my job, which would have all of Dad's side disappointed in me.
Now, I want to say, let's add insult to injury. Is having people be disappointed in me really the worst that can happen? Well when you consider how many favors I'm asking, me the one who never asks, it seems pretty important.

The best that can happen:

Shh.. You'll jinx it! I guess it's a good sign that disappointing people is the worst thing I think can happen to me.

New post, to get all that negativity off the front page. Printer problems, I don't get it, I didn't change anything?
It's already thanksgiving here, so thanks to all the people in my life who've helped make me who I am today. I'm especially thankful to the people who were patient with me when I gave them undue attention while I learnt from their good influence. My roommates, etc.

Listening to GYBE always has such an emotional effect on me.. I'm listening to one of their good ones now, don't even know which one, and just talking about it is giving me glow. What I was feeling earlier was this very wistful, listless feeling, remembering the days when I was in high school, possibly because I tried to pull the old switcharoo on David who just logged on. By pulling it on him I of course mean completely unbeknownst to him, as I was just exploring the reverse world pattern where he would be exactly the way I was back in high school and I'd be how he was.
In any case, a very fall-like feeling, not knowing where my life is going, feeling like this all or nothing meme is going to get its bluff called soon. Winter's looming and it's not enticing to me to be homeless.. I feel like it's the reverse world pattern with Julia though, with her calling me, etc. She has so much stuff, if she were a little more flexible I could really change her. Now though I feel like it's a good opportunity but I'm being morose about it.

Dreamt that I was being careless as I've been fearing.. Hedonistic, testing how little work I can do before getting kicked out/fired.

----

Dreamt that I was taking the train away from the airport. It was somehow not what I supposed to do given my job, but I didn't want to wait on the plane. As we left the vicinity of the airport it started getting real quite and I had to grudgingly admit that it was a nice way to travel.

Recently since I've been relaxing my strict diet (at an alarming rate) with the rationalization that I'm still just nearing average, I've found that halving a lot of the hedonism I've engaged in has unexpected results. They may only be a co-occurring effect, but the meme that letting go of savings and planning and 'living for the moment' has led to many spur of the moment decisions, which in turn lead to feeling less in control of my schedule.
Last week it felt like although I spent an outrageous 4-5$ (that would be 4-5$ more than I've spent in the past 3 years combined). I feel like Kate, a semester shy of graduating (and that's flattering me), but not caring and needing administrative McGill staff to call her at home to remind her.
The homeless meme makes so much sense, even though it's quite scary and depressing, not to mention completely out of question given my family and upbringing.
One constant since I moved back after my first year (so many things changed, like I should have a label for that specific time, after adolescence) is dreams recording, I'm quite proud of that.

Longish dream for the realtime amount, with little substance, sadly. From what I can remember, (the end mostly) it was long overtime at work, waiting for something. I was rather enjoying it, it felt like a storm day at school, which meant not enough attendance to do actual work. Near the end I was planning on going to get refreshments (mostly junk food being at the airport and all) and was letting coworkers know (of which there was only SN). Starting up the DVD menu for a movie, talked about Quicktime a little.
I commented, in my more mac-affiliated perspective, that I thought the name was pretty cool. Spent entirely too much time trying to convey how those two words, neither of which had anything to do with video, really, combined to give a name that was now ingrained in my mind as referring to the video program on Mac.
The DVD menu for that movie was of a guy (not the focal point) riding a giant panther (the focal point) like in warcraft, such that the camera was following the panther, and none of the terrain was visible. Basically you just had a panther running in mid-air.
I mention some passing remark to cover-up why I thought quicktime was cool from so long ago, without explaining how long I've known about it. The question then became what I'd had about the pigs scene in Lion King (memory really fuzzy around here) to which I tried to reply what I'd already had but with more, emphasis, breaking down midway and laughing it off, "..Phew, I was all over the place on that one, let me go get what I wanted and I'll be back and I can explain everything in detail.."

Dreamt that I was in a hard place, like it was an inappropriate time to indulge (as it always seems to be, these days - not that the ever increasing guilt is in anyway hindering the effectiveness of the temptation.. Sometimes I think it's encouraging me). Like I think I was at work, at the gate or something, and I had to wait. So I was waiting, but still...

Anyway, I see Vinicius. I haven't seen him in about 6-7 years, he's changed, and I'm not too sure it's him. I have to look him in the eyes a while trying to recognize, but not making progress. Besides, I'm not even really sure I'd want to talk to him, even if I was sure it was him, we didn't exactly leave on good terms.

So we kind of nod at each other, acknowledging some level of recognition, which could be anywhere from his remembering who I am to his just nodding at me 'cause I'm in his way. I get on with him and we drive around, never mentioning the past. I forsake some of my responsibilities to spend more time, but in the end we split before we can really do anything.

I've narrowed down getting the feeling of warm glow on my forehead to:

1) Something definitely dependent on other people, most usually when they are very focused or exerting themselves a lot. If I disturb them, or otherwise make them think I'm not 'with' them, the feeling fades.
2) Something that results from listening to powerful songs, usually ambient and entrancing.

It feels so good, I try to give that feeling to others when applicable, my method being just willing them to feel it.

Deja vu is more common, still melancholy. It's like they're things I've done before, combined with the feeling of foreboding concerning my failed attempt at burning out and the resulting ever-present guilt (which I get the feeling won't simply disappear after I have) make it hard to enjoy the wonder.
Latest was while writing the following sentence in a text file I'm venting in right now:
"I don’t blame her, but trading my low-fat diet for her reason in favor of high-fat meals without.."
I'm listening to GYBE, "12.28.99", and I was getting the glow (getting it again now) but it faded during the deja vu (since I'd presumably done this before, which is of no interest to them).

Dream that I went to Osheaga or some kind of festival like that in the usual tag along w/ Th and them. I was on stage at some point and the performers gave me a look pointing to some of kids on stage, taking the spotlight. I passed that look onto security but he was like, "They're just kids" thinking I was taking matters into my own hands. They left.
As the show progressed we threw paint into the crowd and body surfed by just standing. Then after while it was another band I bought a nice watch which defaulted in the color pink but was color changeable. Now I don't remember if I started wearing or not but I spent the rest of the dream looking for the color change.
After they filled the audience area with water and had people drive around in cars, which floated in the dream. My old bosses from PA were like, "I'm glad he don't have access to our truck no more." Later I spend some time at Julia's but I have to go get my half done things (like my car still parked somewhere near the festival). I'm driving the econoline truck down the street when all of a sudden two zapatistas open fire on the car in front of me. I guess it was because it was a cop car, but an econoline is still commercial so I was worried. In any case, didn't get to find the car, woke up.*

*: Woke up freaking out because I thought I'd overslept. (I don't know if it's the shortening days or starting an hour earlier, but I was late for work yesterday.) Before going back to bed before this dream, I'd imagined Sal's voice telling me, "Call me when you're done with this, ok?" and right after waking, before looking at the time, I hear him, "ok".

Weird feeling of my eyes failing me..
First happened when I first met/was introduced to Flor, I maintained my usual standoffish/nonchalant attitude, not straying beyond the polite. As we both resume facing outwards, my right eye started straying, giving a double vision like effect. The only way to control it was by closing my left eye.
This morning while listening to Bush, 'Little things', "..I'm addicted to food" same thing happened.

Worried about being a bad role model
I'm taking more chances now, and giving into the burnout meme a lot more these days.
It's starting to backfire in the sense that I'm remembering all the people that look up to me _after_ I've given up on a particular good habit.. What will happen to my younger siblings if I just disappear? Last time wasn't pretty..

Here's the deal: there is the possibility that I may be invited to move to NYC in December.

That's when I graduate and coincidentally a friend of my roommate's gets out of her lease, meaning there might be someone to sublet my apartment.

Now square footage in NY is about 4 times as expensive as I'm used to and it doesn't look like there will be need for much of my possessions.

Now I've been playing around with this burnout meme for a while now, and it's taken pretty good care of me so far this summer.

Even though my pride balked at the notion of selling/storing all my stuff, I see now that it would be in pretty good alignment with the meme for me to basically get rid of all my possessions..

It's just that winter's coming and I don't want the image my parents have of me to freeze into someone 'different'... again.

I also kind of want to keep my possessions, in like a crash pad or something..

My dream was about me exploring, breaking the rules somewhat. It started with me convincing everyone to follow me to this other planet, a place where an official explorer team had been sent before. They were reluctant, since I think it was implied that we were to stay put and wait (which really didn't appeal to me). Anyway, I got them to follow me, but as we arrived and the exploration progressed, my confidence waned.
The team was nowhere to be found, and the place was deserted (not much more fun than the place we were waiting in originally). I ran ahead because I was beginning to get desperate for something to show the group, and I found an old friend, part of the official team. He'd been part of the grade above me in school, and his hair was lighter. He was tearing through a pack of some kind of food, salad or pastry (whatever it was it was meant to be eaten with utensils). I saw him first but he saw me right after. Clearly I would have wanted to hide, there definitely seemed to be something wrong with him. His wild eyes locked on to me and he smiled wide, didn't say anything too intelligent but only moved toward me very slowly if at all. I had time to leave before he could touch me (presumably the hypothesis at this point was that the whole team hadn't reported back because they'd gotten sick or something). I found a very weak member of the crew, an older woman (played by Filomena from work) who was pretty thin and frail. She seemed motionless but was conscious, so I thought it was safe to pick her up and bring her back to the group. They were closer to the exit and would leave when I was ready so I figured if we brought her back we wouldn't be returning empty-handed and at we'd have done good.
As soon as I brought her to show the group, she stirred, still in my arms (I was carrying her like a baby). Soon after opening her eyes, she looked at me, but rather than welcome the smile I was trying to give her, she just reacted to the closeness between us and rabidly bit the space between my neck and left shoulder. Clearly the disease gave her super-strength, or a huge mouth with teeth, 'cause she really tore in there! My reaction was like, 'Ow!!! Dude I thought we were friends!'
I pulled on the hair on the back of her head with my right hand as hard as I could (I had been trying to be nice until then). I don't know what gave it away (the looks on my colleagues faces?) but I realized that I probably then had whatever they had (the disease), and I screamed, "Noooo!"
That's when I woke up, and thought in hindsight that it was similar to the zombie facebook application.

One of my favorite fantasies is.. Get this, imagining others can read my thoughts. You should try it! It does wonders for your politeness!

I mean it's no secret (according to psychology) that people's thoughts influence their behaviors (and vice versa, but that's for another night. Therefore, once you start acting (or thinking, rather) like everyone can hear your thoughts, then you start keeping pretty much all your negative behaviors in check, i.e. road rage, etc. It works especially well for excessively hateful or hypocritical people.

As for the plausibility, well there has been talk and experiential reports of telepathy between very close people. I know, I know, if it were true then obviously someone would jump at the opportunity to 'discover' it for science. Hypothetically speaking, the two main avenues discussed by (admittedly more 'new age' or 'far out' thinkers) have been pheromones and brain-waves. Of these two brain-waves seems the most likely to me, in conjunction with some kind of quantum uncertainty. I mean, in a circuit as complicated as the brain, I bet it wouldn't take much to set a synapse off, which could then theoretically chain react into a specific thought. It requires a leap of faith, but then again all you need is the possibility to let the fantasy take off..

Julia != Julie

My biggest fear right now is that I'm being stupid about my relationship with Julia. It's like I'm either at one extreme or the other, totally nonchalant and playing it cool, or totally clingy and asking for too much. It's just so coincidental, what attracts me about her, that she was married to a guy named Ryan, etc.. Telling myself that I'm older, more mature, and 'ready for it' now is one thing that has helped me believe that I could overcome the pattern this time.

So looking at the positives, I mean it's hard not to get wrapped up in a spiral of attraction, where I just end up wanting like a madman, without really being able to justify it. I don't want to be on the wrong end of unrequited love, either. She's beautiful AND her personality is just unbelievable too! She's sexy and likes sex, I mean that combination is just so rare! We both like eating healthy, and she knows all these recipes and likes to cook!

Super independent kind of gets me sometimes, I mean I don't know anyone who doesn't put themselves first, but I really want for her to want me more. I mean I know she's a lot more experienced in relationships than I am, but I don't want to be just another relationship to her!

So all I can say is that I'm working on believing that this is really an opportunity for a long-lasting and meaningful relationship, and if I let my pattern fears get in the way I'm really going to have blown a huge opportunity! Of course, my emotional armor won't let me get involved if involved means vulnerable, but the fact that I just threw out some of my beliefs to be what she wants kind of scares me in what it seems like I've invested. And we can have a Rabbi if she wants, I just want her.

I think I'm working with types. Or at least incarnations. I think that's what the guy meant in Clockwork Orange, when he keeps referring to his friends/gangmembers as 'droogs'.. In any case, at my work, although there is some kind of strict hierarchy w.r.t to seniority and supervisors, on the other hand there really is only one person from corporate in the whole station (who usually works upstairs) and it's like everyone else in on their own against her (the union vs. corporate). Seems like if they're (we're) all independent it's easier to find archetypes in them. I know, drugs isn't exactly the most p.c. archetype to find (has it even been done yet?) but greek/egyptian planets etc. I don't know that well.

Anyway, we have a major supervisor Lucy, pretty old full-timer, which I attribute to acid (for obvious reasons). Then there's Salvador, who everyone calls Sal (and I call Salvia). There are also groups like the burnouts and the pretty people. Besides that I'm pretty much making it up as I go now, but I'm sure there's others.. It's just how everyone's so independent, makes you sure they have something going on for them, some kind of power or something. Like this girl Mana, I mean her name is the power source for magic-users in WoW!..

Sobering up with the postmature baby. Last november I pretty much crashed and renounced my 'role-models' because I despised the idea that I should like to be more like any other man than myself.. That any other man should be 'the man' for any length of time was totally unacceptable to me, at that exact moment. I kept renouncing, and men kept stepping up. I ended up quite lost, with some kind of resentment for all other men in my heart. Right now my position has mollified somewhat, although I still wish to be at best neutral with respect to other men. I want the company of women (although that extreme has proven to be less than ideal as well) and I understand the appeal of having male friends (army, people who are like you and want to work towards the common goal).

My goals stay similar to always. Alone, I can control my perception of the world more easily. I want to explore and have a businesslike and clear-cut relationship with other men. I want power over them, violent power, yet I don't want that to even be a remote possibility, much less a necessity, since I would choose peace across the board if possible (isn't that how it is in paradise?).

16

Starting work at Buffalo. Can barely stay awake 'cause I came straight. I want to go wash hands. The other guys either want to train me or give me lower jobs (which I'd normally try and prove I can sell and am better than) I dress myself in things from the store and then put them away. I can literally barely remember where I took the stuff. and just keeping my eyes open is hard. A customer comes in.

Cut to talking about delivery job w/ Matt ('cause I thought i was 'generating' him too) and he says I still need the paper (i.e. writing them down) if I'm not going to do that forever (i.e. work at P.A.) while I pack order (grapes underneath) because: "The main drug is needy"..

25 night of 24 June

"You're within 24 hours of being arrested," the fully dressed FBI agent compassionately says kneeling beside my lying body in my bed.

"On what charge?"

"Let me show you:"

Quotes by 'Adolfo' on the internet: *begin forwarded message*

So I run.

9 Jul

Running around a hotel gaining p on guests as the last king of scotland. Super pumped on a drug that hypes you up but makes you sooo cold too (going up elevator, having to run from bad guys constantly too).

19

In the Amazon, working odd jobs (and the gap between the rich and poor is worse). National Geographic awards go to the house with the most water. Playing with turtle and croc in the water, huge, no fear.

21

My bed looks like gently lapping waves.

31

Dreamt of an episode of Home Improvement. Wanting to buy an outside rocking chair but he's already gotten one (Wilson) a long time ago, Tim didn't even know his neighbor well enough to know that. It was the last episode and as everyone sat on the rocker you could see Wilson's face.

Sometimes I think I can palpably love someone to point where they feel it with just my thoughts..
This comes to me from the feeling I get when I listen to certain songs with a certain mindset.
Granted, there's more to love than just a warm glow on your forehead, but I want to believe it's not just a closed circuit between the music and I.
I guess skepticism deserves its reputation for cynicism. Everything I like so much about belief, synchronicity and telepathy, the proof is too beautiful to remember sometimes.

When I was young I wanted to be famous. Maybe it's because I still didn't understand that you can't think you're better than someone without creating a superior/inferior relationship, which I try to downplay these days.

I think a lush edenic garden where everything is abundant and free, with an internet connection..

"You keep me on the ground.." I mean

Here's a pic of my sister and I last time I went to QC to visit my family.

Shot four times in my right shoulder last night.. Just like in T2

My interesting dream recently was another stormy and rainy night though.. "This life thing is over" somebody said, and that pretty much summed up the theme of it. I was at a red light, going to the set of my job. The people in the car beside me gun the engine and pass me by far, I'm frustrated but let them go. As I follow them I see they have a huge cage tied to the top of their car. I regret getting mad at them now, since if they unleashed that thing on me I would definitely not want to get any closer.

It looks like a huge bat in there and I'm wondering what kind of sick goths are driving that car. We end up at the same place and I'm just glad that thing is still in it's cage. It turns out to be a koala, but it's still pretty scary the way it looks at me..w

It all started when I was home alone and I started getting strange clues that someone was getting into my apartment. I would be sure noone was home, but then I'd find a pack of food out of place, etc. I was getting scared, 'cause why was someone in my house? What were they waiting for to make their presence known? I mean, the only thing that they could be waiting this long for (to actually get hungry waiting and have to take some of my food) would be something they didn't want me to know about.

So I got the bright idea to have a sleepover and invite lots of people. My two roommates came, and they invited their friends, and the night passed by quickly 'cause I didn't really know them so I didn't really talk to them (not social, I know). I was so happy when I realized you were there, though! It was near the end of the night (3-4 in the morning) and you were lying in my roommate's room. I'm sure it would have been fine for you to crash anywhere, but I wanted you to sleep in my room, and since you were my friend I thought it was for sure you would have to.

[Note: I often do things in my dreams that are "childish" or 'impulsive', like giving in to my desires without giving them much higher thought. In retrospect I find the way I 'forced' you to wake up and come sleep in my room wrong and borderline antisocial since the most social people I know don't focus on one person but let people be themselves. Maybe I missed out on the opportunity to sleep with someone who was still awake and interested in me and wanted to talk and hold each other or something. Sorry for the sex.]

So I put you in my room. I went back out to find a friend of yours who was still awake and wanted to sleep (it was arranged for my room). When we came back you were on my bed but sideways so we didn't have place. So I had to wake you up again, and this time we got ready for bed (brush teeth, etc.) You were on the far left, then your friend, then me. I thought I knew the friend, but it wasn't the only person I could think of since she was much older. I was disappointed 'cause I wanted to sleep next to you. [Again, in hindsight, I wasn't thinking of your bf obligations at all.] You just gave me a look, like, 'it's for the best'. So we fell asleep, and the last thing I said before we were supposed to fall asleep was, 'Mmm, wouldn't it be good to have some of that cake they had earlier?' (One of the people had made a cake and there was lots left) and I turn to look at you and you both are like, 'what do you mean, THIS cake?' and you were both EATING SOME and offering me some!! I refused even though I wanted some lots. I wanted to go back on my decision but I have this thing where if I make a decision I find it really hard to trust someone enough to let them know I changed my mind. Then I thought, I'd have to brush my teeth again, etc.. So I basically just wasted your time wanting some and having you try to convince me to let you give me some.

Finally after falling asleep I regained my confidence and started flying (literally levitating two feet off the ground) from my room to the kitchen super fast. Unfortunately when I got there I noticed a bag of popcorn in the microwave, unpopped. This was after everyone was gone, so I started getting really scared the intruder from the beginning was back again. Then I woke up.

Recent dreams (copied from notes)
Feb 17 2007 - March 11 2007

Breaking into PA's empty highrise, running into someone carrying a TV. Panicking while holding and knowing the cops are coming. Working for my sheets.
Recently breaking out of prison.

In prison.. They're busting an animal out right after he and I got convicted so I can come too. I should place a a playing walkman by the phone in case they call to check out while I'm escaping. The breaker-in has to face major hurdles. A guard (who wakes up from the tranq right and and offers hints for the next) a snake and a fog after. Can't seem to hit the snake w/ the tranq.

I'm really scared of getting caught. The prison psychologist comes to pay me a visit (like he'll do every day), I get cable and am watching a show, the simpson's, where homer has a monkey on a rope, who gets twisted and becomes an antennae or something. Homer takes credit for going that on purpose. That's when the psychologist comes in, asks me about the show, what do humans want to be (if not animals). I don't answer, others animals are in balls like antelopes, now brains are in them. He leaves, after saying, "Welcome" and meaning it, etc.

I set up and everything and get really scared 'cause if I get caught I'll lose more (cable, phone) and surely be watched closer against further attempts to break out. Go to work (catching the bus gets me off the island). JP strangely nice (reads my mind for a Q I was going to ask). Also smoke pot w/ people 'cause I didn't want to miss/lose track of them. (I knew this was the first time in like 3 years (felt like more) and I really didn't want to.)

BTW escaping was returning to the life in the mob. As I was following an older guy in another car, he lets me patrol the next street. When I decline and go though an alley to finish the job I had (celine, sp?) he says, " Well, you're going to have to find your own territory if you don't want to do this here." (the if before the then). And I remember how scare/hard finding my own territory is.
\

March 5th 2007

First long dream where Dan has an episode on Datura (not really, but I don't remember the reason he wasn't himself).

He just kept asking for the drugs until we met up w/ Matt again.

Swam across from Mtl to Nun's Island, and mat's like, "too bad, it is super toxic."

Getting him away from the party solved his asking me for drugs. but going back w/ Matt now in charge.

I wasn't exactly 'cool' and asked a question which got no answer.

In the other room everything is there (except for me, matt, Dan and a better friend of the host [looked like Dana]) (he's who I asked).

Other room: people (I'm afraid of) are Rachel and her friends lost of ppl inl. guys. Playing video games (think maybe risk, but the fights are real). Noah's in the bathroom and Rachel's getting beat up.

Ah! What a nightmare! I dreamt that I was being held down, struggling with all my might but they were too many, as they wanted to cut my eyelashes, "for my own good"!

Happy New Year!
I opened X-mas gifts with my family last night, while having lots of people over for a party. I have to say I wasn't as social as I could have been, but I had to ask myself if I really wanted to..
From my sister I got a super nice Buffalo zip-up hoodie, she sure has taste.
From my brother I got a nice woolen sweater and from my other brother some DVDs.
I'm happy with everything!
My New Year's Resolutions are to go to the gym at least once every two weeks and complain less.

To start 2007 off on the right foot I'm planning some long-term goals, concretely. I'm placing a little less importance on superstitions but more on my heart. I'm going to be nicer and more patient with people, especially this current less than gentlemanly trend I've been expressing.