"The line is wiggling wildly these days. I mean I know I ought to be good, eat healthy, work hard, etc. but what happened to having fun? I didn't used to feel guilty about such stupid things as wanting to watch TV or buying some song on iTunes. Not to mention feeling guilty about downloading music off limewire, but that's a whole other story.
The worst part about it is I don't even feel wrong about indulging in the insanely time-consuming fantasies that are spinning out of control. It's all ups and downs, highs and lows, and I've been serious for at least half a year. I like what who I want to be likes, but all these interests are so fleeting when I don't have a mirror to reflect them. I mean, alone, I find myself empty and without hobbies or interests.
Well, it's not all cries and complaints. Whining is easy, letting it out's probably alright. They say that, for sure, so posting it is one step further than letting it out in private to a text file . I had fun, this summer, too. Moving 4 times wasn't fun, but my roommates were cool and the hip show in July was so worth it. Now there's another one in November, and I totally want to go even though it's like twice as much as it used to be.
Music is so my obsession these days, too. I've been serious all this time, I forget exactly why. Part of it must be that I'm trying to be a better student, etc. Busy with this two-bit part-time delivery job, which I know I can do better than, but the money (tips) is sooo good, probably the best salary I can get for sure! I'm just worried about what my CV will look like after graduation, with my no interships but rather a steady pattern of all my free time and then some spent at
this grocery store."
The lesson is don't spurn songs! The limewire guilt is sooo annoying, part of growing up? It's like I think acting as if everyone always knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm doing or have done, especially relating to their property, makes me a better person. But living this way, it's not exactly the go-getter's attitude, more like mr.nice guy.

Who do I thank when things happen in such a funny way?
-He has to be an atheist, you know
I had a not so popular song stuck in my head for no reason.
-You're not allowed to be this happy 'cause you have to move
That song made me want to listen to the Buzz (999thebuzz.com)
-Yeah but the next song was the one you spurned earlier
Angels and airwaves was the first of 9 nonstop that started EXACTLY..

Hanging out with K, following her home. She doesn't seem to care much. I invite myself over to her place. She just ignores and I follow. We get to the subway station which reminds me of NY's small stations or maybe one of Berri's sections. When the subway comes it's super clean and shiny, and looks to be higher tech and way better than the ones I'm used to.

"I thought it was going to be like Lionel-Groulx and the green line," I say meekly, since I don't want to overstay my welcome with dumb comments. We get on the subway and ride it until we're eventually riding it in Japan. The Japanese people on the subway are giving me bad vibes because of the way I got here (making me feel guilty and that I'm not as good as them). One guy sitting sideways to the right of us (I'm in the far left corner) is singing (although his voice has a little grit like he needs to cough). He's hitting the high notes though, and generally pretty good. Noone seems to be bothered by him, though, in fact they seem to like him more than me. I don't give in to the paranoia, I just say a few things here and there while playing on K's gameboy.

I eventually ask if she wants me go with her out of the subway (or was it whether it was OK for me to change seats according to the custom of the subways here?). She answers very lovingly, which I like. We get to her place, which is a subway station. That is, there was no walking between the subway stop and her place, we were just.. there. Walking through the front door, we are inside her family's kitchen. It's supposed to be really late, though, like 1 am, and I expect her family (mom, dad) to be sleeping. The kitchen counters are all made of wooden slats. There is just a lamp on in the kitchen. She stops and says, "Well here they are, the people you came to see."

I am surprised to see my cousins from my aunt's-on-my-mother's-side-of-the-family, i.e. Marisita and Jaime from Mexico city. Jaime is still much younger than I am and I am not too worried about him. His older sister, on the other hand, still radiates a vibe of distrust. Having already tried 'nuff stuff when I was 18 and she was 14 (like writing her a letter saying even though I got to go out with the adults I still wanted to be her friend), I don't want to push her away even more. Aloofness is the one thing that hasn't worked in all this time, however, so I decide to put all my cards on the table and greet her with an enthusiastic remark about how long it's been (very out of character for me and would only happen in circumstances where I was sure to get a reciprocal reaction). Dream ends on the cliffhanger of whether it will affect her or not...

22
First sitting somewhere when A.K. motions her head at me in a late bar referring to me while talking to her friends. "..Makes me think death might not be so bad.." she says with a smile. I know it's not that good a thing to say about me but I'm happy she's talking about me at all.
23
Couldn't stop insulting Denis about his hair (kept referencing it to D's). Before that at the Burtnyk's early morning not really wanted. Their cat.
Then preaching my 'holier than thou' wait for the others in the elevator philosophy.
22
Before: K untuitions. Mafia barely friends with a girl who's father's a boss. Tell her to steal the money from the safe while they're there. By telling the monkey the guy is totally there and asks me what my name is.
23
Sexy dream about Ali. When I wake up she's sad I can remember and still want her. Tearing up at 'having to do it'.
Then super sad dream about YH. We're at the new apt and she's barely moved in and she's tearing up at telling me it would be better for her to move to a high rise downtown. I'm actually pretty sad at it to.
27
Scary dream. At school in winter semester, early morning class like Spanish class wasn't too worried about it but knew better than to think I could skip a class. Get a call on my cell from L at work asking me where the heck I am. I rememeber that I forgot to ask that they change my schedule for this week. It was the 'same schedule for the next three weeks' thing that's going on right now but there was a conflict with last week's Friday. They'd gotten someone to sub for me but since it was the same schedule but different dates they just transcribed the same dates without the sub. I was now supposed to come in at 8 but it was 9:30 and my class was about to start. I was in tho room next door looking into the adjacent but not wanting to entter through the side door (I was already a little late at 9:30). So leave, have to skip, in trouble in both places.
31
Weird redneck terrorists. Adam Sandler was their leader. They did drugs at night. They initiated violence even when the cops called theirs off. First the cops came but they began to think it was a false alarm. The whole operation's cover might not have been blown. Some guy decided to shoot anyway but a cop was like, "What are you thinking?". But then full-scale violence erupted when another guy decided to shoot also and throw a grenade. I threw the grenade though but the fuse was far too long. Eventually the whole thing halted when it was discovered one of the cops had Sandler at gun point. I was (dead?) viewing the thing as third person.
1 June
Tunnel and black cat babies.
Tunnel started at home living in a NDG style apt with S who was getting friendlier. Her friend comes over who she schools by asking to please use the R-L tunnel to come over not to be wet in the rain. Her friend has a better body and blond streaks but presumable face problems. I'm already late for work so I leave and want to take the R-L tunnel but I've forgotten exactly how or something and get lost out of rush
2
Carli totally rubbing it in that I'd acted like I'd done someone but I hadn't and me hassling Mat with lots of good questions but getting partially friendly put downs.
3 June
Watching a movie about the neuroscience and what was important was the 15 times per minutes blood flow from the previous part. It was like a movie I'd already seen before. Sylvia was playing my sister, except she was blond and big blue eyed, cute, was my step sister. I (but I was seeing this part like third person) get to the school and have to fight with the 4 people gang. I know it was going to be a win though, so no harm there except maybe feeling the pain at some points. Could see one of the more sensitive thugs (3 ninjas) that were going to ask my sis out. I go out to van and get a box that I will place at her locker that I took from there that morning. I'm a bit of a rebel too but cringed when I saw him looking at the remote. One of the buttons was 'clean my whole house', a joke that now that I think about it reminds me of the clicker movie.
7
Blond teammate being cooler than me. No talking! Then hanging out w/ girls and compassion
11
Seeing superman flying, remember that I have then do a little bit with a lot of trying. I remember the feeling intensely. Visited an apartment that day, and on my way out I felt good and remembered the feeling of remembering how to fly a lot and tried.
16 June
Watching a movie about Aliens and bringing them back to earth with Teri Hatcher that starts out in the country. I start it over for D and snuggle with him to watch him giving him unrequited (he's too young to reciprocate) love even though I'm super stressed about some impending deadline
22
Movie w/ Willis spacefarer returns to Mars (which is now populated and a busy place) from the outer reaches to make things right. Gets caught in a standoff, gets out of it but they have the girl. He drops his gun just as the girl rearranges the guns to point at her captors. (I've seen this movie before so I'm not worried that he'll win out). Not right then? The girl is disappointed.
l2R RPG4 joining a party against the female fighter of that party.(Don't remember more than these handwritten notes).
Hatteras. The B's return to Hatteras often and although I've sort of become friends with them again they don't invite me. Sandwich making? I see M at the comp and W laying down (in headach position).
23
Dreams about S. Going with N on runs each in our vans. As we leave an adjacent building (the backside of a restaurant) S had escorted us out (and we thought that was the last of him), he pops his head out of a chimney to say hi (and potentially that he'd been hearing what we'd been saying). I'm happy with what we'd been saying so that's okay. I kind of want to see how he got up there, though. Before that being in an ep of Lost, I'd seen spoilers (for MI:3) that said there'd be electric eels. S volunteers to go, but he discovers the eels.
24
Hanging out with Dan, in his car. Meet the couple from work and they think Dan is cool. Dan fixes a problem with his car and we get back in it, which upsets me (because we'd been walking until then which put us on more level ground). Driving pretty fast though which was fun. Then ditch him and lose him, even though I thought I could go faster alone. See Meth and the tripDoctor coming off the highway at Atwater, with the doc looking cool wooing Meth. Luckily meth still likes me and asks me what's up. I join them at 4250 St-Ambroise at Maf's apartment #312, thinking I'll be able to rest soon. I got in through my weasel ways. They (I) get a call for a delivery (small money to be made, but it's a start and soon) for some crack. He sounds middle aged and says he's in apartment 19. It's the same building? Doesn't even cross my mind. I go do it, and get it again (even though the sales office is not yet turned off the lights.. Security). As we are now outside on the picnic table. I'm happy to be the one doing the delivery as I'll handle the money. I get to apartment 19 and knock _very_ softly on the door, wait a small to average amount of time then turn back and return. I'm starting to get paranoid that this is a setup/sting. Halfway back (outside) I decide I'll go do it (I'm having doubts like it's not right building) and start going back.
Sleeping while Sarah shows the apartment. Hanging out with Sarah, she's going to show the apartment. I decide to go in my bed right before they get there. Sarah is hot like Nik. The couple sees the place, if I impress Sarah we might _change_. They are seeing the place and it's difficult to impress her as impressing the guys is difficult while in bed. the guy says it's a nice desk, and I go overboard explaining the 3 pieces (even though none of the desk comes with the apartment). She's ready to change (morphs into crack dream above) but I'm reluctant as I haven't even taken a shower yet (why I ditch them).

Sometimes when I'm writing my dreams down I get the feeling I shouldn't. I'm still very groggy and I might be waking spontaneously so it might be the sloth talking. It's been evident for a while though. Last year as I woke and recorded a pretty mundane dream I got the feeling a specific person I had just talked to the night before (and who is also cooler than I am) was telling me she thought doing this was dumb. I ignored it though and subsequent naggings have been much quieter until this morning when I recorded a dawn dream in my usual cryptic 7 word sentence. I remembered that I hadn't been able to decipher previous dreams without further explanation though, so I proceeded to break my 7 word habit in yet another way by expounding on each word. As I did though I got the distinct feeling the girl from my dream, especially around the time I was going to talk about her, didn't want me to, claiming _this_ was 'secret'..

Take the time to talk to them but don't start talking without their attention. It'll hurt you, your confidence and your words won't or will but you aren't putting the thinking in the time.. You have to keep going, you know? After a while it won't get better and
That can't stop interrupting them until it's done. It's not because it's wrong or ill-intentioned that it can't be helped. You're better than the rest and so it has to be. It's only half-alone. And with more sense on it's way, sure you want to reach more..

28/12
Running from possible cops after climbing the Selby hill and indulging in the often remarked offerings. More like symbols and decoration than actual substance I thought, but upon closer inspection I find substantial amounts in some 3. Take it and start walking fast as the paranoia starts creeping up. (Insert fancy word here for cross) Through the underpass into westmount, turn left immediately as I think it will be less populated than the areas I know. Hit brush, keep going, behind tennis courts people can see, keep going. Finally I hit large residential backyards and a little path in their back I lounge. Someone is cleaning or something with large boxes strewn along the path and I fear they'll want to know what I'm doing if I cross them so I don't go. Luckily their sense of authority prevails soon enough and they are distracted telling practicing people to do it right. I take the chance and run through the boxes into the path, and go up it until I feel I'm past him, possibly without being detected (he doesn't want to go on the path).
Reach the end of the path and am a little worried. I crawl under the fence at the end and am at a super fancy dinner, which is titled 'Chinese theme'. I think I might try and pass as one of them but the Chineses aspect of this particular backyard is the worst possible one. I double back soon enough and go into the next to last one. Noone has arrived yet, so I have no problem fitting in. It's Mexican themed, which should be easy. I hastily choose a table so that look supposed to be here but unfortunately it only has place for one guest and that won't fit my entire family. I'm given 'Sopa de queso' and understand everything easily enough. Nevertheless, blending in requires conformity to my characters and my translator is called in. He doesn't fill up the guest seat and sits to my left. I begin eating and none of my family is joining me. I have a pet tiger who goes and bothers other patrons at a further table. I call to him but am embarrassed my his name, "BASHo". The translator is telling me not to worry. It's the end of the meal and I'd like to remember many people have joined me although they don't seem too friendly. My pet tiger is nice and likes being pet but I'm still a little afraid he'll try and bite. Returning the hotel I'm not even supposed to be at with M, something about E.
The next morning, visiting K at her house, getting her to come to mine, there's nothing to be done for her fascination with M. Her attention is fully centered on getting to know him and I feel a little left out. In the final scene, outside in my yard as I didn't get changed fast enough to make it into the pool at the same time as them M is making waves and calling them a shield. She likes it and calls him on how they could possibly be a shield. Their english challenge cats vis-a-vis their relationship to me are very compatible. I drop a glass and am madder that it's slowing me down even more. Mom putting up clothes on the clotheline thinks that this was her relationship to W, which is a pretty bad nightmare.
In the St-Augustin-like country getting stuck on a steep hill in the middle of summer because I didn't want to rev up the motor and use gas that much. Hitting math Prof. Paul Koosis' house. It was a good thing I didn't go up that hill 'cause any gas would have been a waste since the house was at the bottom of the hill. In any case, about to jump the fence and check out his backyard when I notice a pretty huge shag dog sleeping further down the yard, surrounded by animals. It's a big as a bear and I'm only glad I didn't wake it up since I don't think it would have hesitated to break right through the low wood gate.
The other house has cows and is actually Marisa's (or at least her doing) and in Mexico or the caribbean (as in nearby) as it's clear I'm vacationing with my family. The floors are pure dirty with baby/pet puke or lots of dirt from shoes, etc. everywhere. She thinks she'll have to clean it from head to toe tomorrow, and I offer to help. I add a little extra 'should'-talk, "..'Course we'll have to take off our shoes", which completely turns her off..
With M and G again, they say they are going to K's and all I want is still for her to like me better. I make it my plan to beat them to her place and do so. She's still sleeping and not very happy to see me. They'd called her so she was expecting it at least. Getting stuff, all of it and not going in or even having her see them as last time when he led the way in and I had followed and gone on the bed.
Final one seeing a commercial where a little kid races an older bully (the actor is way too old) out a subway station, and wins even though he took the stair 'cause he ate cinnamon toast crunch eggos. I go upstairs to the agency and want a shot at being the older bully. They will shoot it in another 30 minutes. Leaving the station a little behind the kid, see him ignore a passing talker who asks if I have a script for him. Go far, in Quebec parliament hill, all the cast and crew are scattered about. See one hot girl beside her van talking to some dimmer. I want to cut in as I know what she means long before him, but I might not win a direct challenge (due to history?). Throw some litter on the floor, about to talk as she's returned from the bathroom before him. Guilt about littering takes precedence, though and I pick it up (ew) and go to the trash one block away. Think he'll be back before I return, didn't even think how dirty my hands would be from picking it up. If only I hadn't dropped it in the first place! Chance with the girl compromised by dirt, hope he's not back.

First begins at my father's while he's gone to TO for the holidays. In a room with a fence, dirty though. Find pictures of something, before in the A/W studio. He catches me and isn't so mad. He actually suggests I go to his study and look through something else. When I get there it's so that he can look at media coverage of 'what's going on in Mais.'. I tell him what I know anyway. I don't find the stuff I could look for until later, something about fat making. Looking through it the scenery changes until I'm talking to Anna by I.M.. She doesn't ID herself but only sends a shirt from Poland's soccer team. Chatting with her I ask her about something only she would know because 'I want to make sure it's her'.
In a house party with strange interlocking flimsy staircases, with N and M. A party, being cool going to the top. Owning the place but not knowing anyone. Try to talk to N in front of people but rejected. M has an emotional problem and help. Morphs into the Alias Wavefront Eigenfaces foce simulator, where you take a picture of your face, pay over 35$ and get a booklet instructing how to make a madel your face specifically. N does it successfully and it seems to be worth it to him. M goes to do it and I suggest he takes a picture with his shoulders. He gets totally rejected, however, because the proportions make him look fat. He gets super sad at that though, and is less worried about the money I apologize for wasting. The house has many stories filled with people.
When the party ends cops have busted it and are taking the building apart or just supervising not having busted. Anna is a cop. I have a last thing to tell her but I have a bad feeling but I tell her anyway. She doesn't answer, she was asian and had a sideburn. Mom asks about zap2it. Going up to her only made me see how liked she was by the mean around her. Getting scared of a bird and thinking it was Uzi someone shot it for her. Luckily didn't kill only took off it's wing. It was a pink pigeon. In the store it can fly with S's idea about winglet made of water.

Third the native american and the end of the world. First my place playing with the lady downstair's clothesline and getting caught by her brother, trying to play it cool. Look over the neighbors are who they are, a naked biker. Then have my own clothesline, which is when M shows up. Then eat a strawberry offered by Mi, even though Dad refused it. I comment, "Strawberries from Kyoto? Japan?" which surprises her more than I expected. Later, during M and I's free time we meet Native Americans. The chief father figure explains that they want to preserve their culture and people. This is why the child (we may have met) is being isolated. They used to just periodically kill an animal, strip it's meat and leave it for him to eat, but this time it seems he was old enough to kill his own meat so returned the meat to them. They weren't expecting this act of initiative on his part so they were unprepared for his venturing into the world. They explained that they couldn't have him coming into the (warm southern modern) world because then they would have to teach him about money, etc. that he has to learn about on his own. For the same reason, they don't want to return him to his reserve themselves. So we return him and I remark that this child is alone all the time, he is so lucky. I catch myself sounding like a loser to M and say, "Well, not all the time.." and he replies, "Usually" which is a lot better than I expected and can only bargain less and say accept, "That's.. right." So we put the child in his igloo, he's dressed in a blue with red shoulder pads lacoste winter jacket I used to wear and, I later remark, a lacoste hat as well. I take the other hand of the view I espoused earlier, it's so desolate here there isn't much to do. I have trouble putting my contradiction into words, though, I don't need to compromise and my pride doesn't want me to. I would be loser to philosophize so fiercely about something so unimportant. Finally we leave and part ways. I notice two lanky middle aged long hair dark asians except they're native too, sorcerers. They are plotting to kill the child. I find out they wish to fulfill a prophecy that states that if they kill all the natives the world will end. I race them, changing into a giant puma and then an eagle. There is no way to be better than them, though. I go to the head guy's house, who is Manny. He shows me out when I ask him for a passcode for his building and he's rich and can have security escort me out if I don't comply. I return again, and again until I the only way I can stay longer is tell him to argue his case for killing the boy, if it's sound I'll only want to join him, right? He reluctantly agrees, I go out on the balcony, soo trash bags, return inside, M is there, I make my point more than I have to and say, "Prove it!" and he seems to grow. M and Ma go outside on the balcony and argue. Ma tries to push M off, totally doesn't work, M is feeling Ma's back and says he doesn't have a lot of muscle, they armlock and M is like, "Ma.." and hits on his arm after his elbow which knocks Ma to the floor. Ma is resilient though and hangs on dragging M to the floor and they struggle. I threaten to kick them apart. I feel relatively in control, like I could walk away with the kid now. He may be brainwashed by the sorcerers, but I know time away from them will break their spell.

Ouch! So much for the *pinch me, I think I'm dreaming!* theory, two nights ago I distinctly remember feeling pain in my dream. I had a really vivid quasi-lucid (pre-programmed) dream. By pre-programmed I just mean that I'd gotten up about two hours early (missing about 4 for full sleep) and I went back to sleep after realizing what time it was. Drifting off, the fantasies I usually indulge in somehow made their way into my dream, in a way that will become apparent.
In any case, I soon found myself in a pretty strange situation, specifically that I was in a stranger's house after having walked them home (they were drunk) and about to leave the kid brother says, "Watch out for the wolves, they come out around this time." It wasn't even dark yet or anything so I wasn't really worried, but I looked out the windowpane in case and saw what I could believe were animal tracks leading down.
I put on my shoes and go outside, but waited too long and the wolves start running down from the hills purposefully. As soon as they turn the corner I decide to try to make a run for it (without even warning the parents that I saw them). I barely clear the doorstep before a wolf sees me and starts running after me. I try to run but it's no use and he jumps into contact teeth first with by gut. I feel blinding pain and black out as it gets worse than I can imagine (exactly that much pain, I suppose).
Here's where the lucid part comes in: I was able to start over from any point in my dream, losing only certainty on the level of what had happened earlier (if that makes sense). This time I try to run up the hill but again they get me. I can see trying over and over again when the father comes over. I tell him about the dream I'm having and he thinks I'm complaining. "I need a gun," I tell him.
Incidentally, I ended up deciding to go without food that evening (a stubborn capricious decision) and only realized later that the hunger pangs I'd felt because of that corresponded to where the wolf bit me.

Patterns and always having to look on the bright side. On the one hand you can be shizophrenic and get all this confidence because it's like, "Oh, I've been here before" and you can be all smug about what's going to happen.
On the other hand, you always have to either break yourself away from that faith at some point and tell yourself, "No, I've learnt from my mistakes and have improved" in which case you lose consistency with the pattern you were matching with in the first place, or you have to compromise and look further ahead, getting all caught up too.
Oh, the realizations

26
Living alone in my regular place when neighbor David suddenly moves out, leaving me the whole, albeit not that great, apartment next door, much in the fashion of Kate's leaving last summer. I don't dare go into it much at first (since I don't know if or when he'll be back, not te mention how little I know him to begin with) even though I want to when captivated by Mont-Ste-Anne in the summer and want to get continue the angle from his windows. I end up going on some mundane reflex and having crossed the line try and look but end up with a patio view of the neighbors. Shortly thereafter, my brother arrives smiling and refers to some proposition he now agrees to about him living with me I no longer remember. I am less than overjoyed since not only do I no longer have roommates, but the neighbor's place was now mine (much in the fashion of squatter's rights).
Anyway, now he's not only implying that he's grudgingly accepted my offer to move in, but that he doesn't think it would be too much to ask to have me outline the terms in paper and sign it for him. I sigh but know we'll work this out, even if it's just him living next door. In any case, there isn't much time to show off my place before we are invaded with old fiends of the older Soto/Brendan persuasion. While I don't like them, I think they think they aren't smart enough to try and atangonize me so I continue showing off my apartment to them, while Fel goes down to the basement to make a wash. After some kind of trying to get them out or turning of my attention from and back to them, they say, "Sorry about this," implying they didn't have a choice, and spray me with a super soaker. I don't understand but see the act of hostility as a complete act of war on their part and know I can't take them all physically. I don't understand the super soaker until they try to throw a match at me which I dodge and run out of the apartment, which blows up behind me. I run down to the basement as fast as I can, tell my brother they're trying to kill us and tell him I'll meet him at the back door, which is right there. I keep running until I'm outside and relatively safe with the crowd and cops. I watch people coming out waiting for my brother who neven does, not evet after the large group. I see the terrorists have a a larger perimeter and have to escape to the zocalo across the street, where I mingle and continue watching.
Later, I'm sleeping on the couch in a _much_ nicer apartment, but waking up from the previous dream or remembering it as a memory or not even just waking up from restless sleep while not being able to get the experience out of my head since in dream time it just happened. Needless to say I'm quite scared and unable to really feel at home, even though there's so much I might even just take and run away with it. The place is so nice it might be worth defending I begin thinking as I see more of it. The bed appears undone as if I've just slept in it. Finally I get to the balcony, which overlooks a white beach with turquoise waters. It's fall but people are swimming, and I immediately want to go. I don't want to go out the front because I'm so scared, so I don't want to go out at all, but then I soo baby panthers playing in the water, apparently there to be played with, which just makes me want to go more. Start looking for a way to climb down from my balcony, which is annoying since it would break but I really want to go down without taking my eyes off it.

Retrospective feelings: Too scared to see my brother's safety through. Again with the Cain&Abel theme. Too fearful for my self in the new apartment to remember my brother. Sad because actions live longer than posessions. I mean, I no longer have the cool apartment to play with, but I want another chance to change how I would act if responsible for my brother.

09
Running away from zombies or something again. With Matt from work and Flor who was his girl. Had to run down about 17 flights of turning stairs. In the industrial sector of the Des Seigneurs bridge. When finally got outside, I was leading followed by M. F trips, Matt doesn't pick her up even though I tell him to, I stop and get her even though I get a bad feeling about if it means I'm going to get caught.
10
Prom with Deb only she was picking me up and I was late and hungry so I had bro tell me I could have the cake which 'wasn't that good' but I knew only needed water. I liquified it and drank it since I didn't have time.
14
One from a couple of days ago when I'm getting too cool to write these down, where some normal stuff happened then ended up having to walk inte the super far underground parking where you paid for your place by helping dig it deeper, in a neverending vicious cycle.
Tonight's at a holiday Inn planning on staying a few nights, meeting this girl whe already knew me and I unfortunately later found out, Jimmy. They had holodecks, she lived there, was a little less than ok. Mascha at the end. Had to leave, had her stuff as an excuse to see her even though I think her mom saw us, which was bad. Later with guy friends, kept thinking about the girl.

30/06
First, myself living with the couple Mat & Nat. I was failing out of McGill while crushing on an unseen girl. My relationship with Mat was definitely at the silent treatment stage, although he just seemed to want peace and quiet. Nat being over, they spent most of their time hidden. When Mat and I spoke, I was told about his concert, and some partying. Deep down, I was happy he was being foolhardy even though I had no idea if it was affecting his grades. I was secretly happy at the mere possibility that he was going to come down to my level.
Second, back home while mother's away for the evening. Claudia's making a huge honestly unprovoked crisis and generally being spoiled. I feel I give in and up to some degree in my belief that I need sleep and the fact that a girl I'm crushing on, Aly, is being over. We retire to separate beds and with all the ambiguous feelings towards a relationship where I have no idea what making a move would cause. Probably nothing special. Next morning, I find Dan sleeping in front of the computer who's almost dead, poor kid was too scared of his sister to sleep upstairs. I tell on my sister. As things wake up, my world consists of three people: (Mom and the young'ins are presumably out of the picture) My brother and Pam, his girlfriend, and Aly, who seems to be with them. My brother feels all important ever since my fall, and his girl potentiates that at least a little. The night before I was accused by my sister of chewing pot leaves, which I dismissed as ridiculous, possibly the reason for her crisis. This morning, probably because my sister told him, my brother makes the same accusation. The only difference is that his word holds a lot more weight than my sister's and even more so ever since my fall. My mother would believe him simply because he's contradicting me, not to mention pot being central to my fall. I feel it would be grossly cost inefficient to try and convince my mother beyond a doubt that I truly have no attraction to cannabis. The truth is I have come to accept that there is a cognitive deficit, albeit reversible, associated with it's _use_, and cognitive ability is first and foremost one of my most important priorities. Therefore, it would be contradictory to my nature to still want pot after I've come to accept it's 'blunting' effect. My mother's image of me, however, is, in practice, very difficult to change.

27
Bad one. Some kind of prom with Brendan and people from work thrown in. Kept being aloof and missing F. Everyone is leaving but at last minute Sharon tells me she has a room so we can go too. Finding is hard but I'm attracted to the idea of sex, since it's better than no sex. The hotel clerk recognizes me when he reads a different name as mine on the reservation. Am I to pay for the room? Getting to the room fills with a lot of others, including Manny, who I may have inadvertedly led to believe I was going to sleep with. He matter-of-factly tells me we're going to fool around, and I'm embarrassed since I've agreed to follow him even though B, his family and who I'd think were my peers are straight. I lose him by going faster and eventually sleep in a random bed. In retrospect, the feeling of being less than these is like the 13th's dream, but with the roles reversed. I guess you somehow have a way of telling if you're retarded.

Alien invasion. Slugs with a conscience. Their superiority complex was justified by their overcoming of overpopulation or single best place. Surrounding us, gradually thinning out our numbers without any seeming engagement. When we reached a critically low number, I made a break for it. Their overconfidence wouldn't allow them to run, so I lost them by the time I reached the car lot. Broke a car window even though it would attract attention. Unable to hotwire, trying most of the red-other color wire combinations. Tried again in a convertible Audi, but while it was more user-friendly, it also seemed more tamper-proof. Making compromises but not succeeding, even in company of ML. Wake up right before trying the PA zebra. After staying up long enough to blaming ML for his inability, return to the dream with the case that he should know. He remembers and goes for it but I only keep up with him long enough to see he uses special keys. He gets it alright, but takes a girl in a two seater and leaves me with wasted time.
The aliens are marching closer, and the cars are getting sparser.

Two. First in a third person rpg like nWn, only playing with a girl. Had to get to the last monster without being caught by 'Cain' and his (zombies?) Had defeated the last boss by myself before, but the girl was lagging. I made it to the place where the scene would change and 'Cain' wouldn't be able to catch us anymore. I was on top of the building, a relatively safer place, and using binocular vision to see if the girl was on her way. I saw the usual NPCs milling about, and Anna was on her way there, but where was Ying-Tzu?
One other, at a very important and influential english business man's house where I would normally definitely be trying to make a good impression, but since I was attracted to A-Anne, she was the only one I seemed to be trying to please, even when she outright contradicted the owner's will. Talking to her instead of him and ignoring his attempts to talk to me, even though I knew that I would be alone with her for the rest of the night or whatever and that I would probably not get a chance to make this impression on the man again. Kept trying to finish story about a GameBoy game, but she was only interested in Tommy White who was actually playing it (and listening to me, but she kept interrupting with gameplay comments.)

27
Bad one. Some kind of prom with Brendan and people from work thrown in. Kept being aloof and missing F. Everyone is leaving but at last minute Sharon tells me she has a room so we can go too. Finding is hard but I'm attracted to the idea of sex, since it's better than no sex. The hotel clerk recognizes me when he reads a different name as mine on the reservation. Am I to pay for the room? Getting to the room fills with a lot of others, including Manny, who I may have inadvertedly led to believe I was going to sleep with. He matter-of-factly tells me we're going to fool around, and I'm embarrassed since I've agreed to follow him even though B, his family and who I'd think were my peers are straight. I lose him by going faster and eventually sleep in a random bed. In retrospect, the feeling of being less than these is like the 13th's dream, but with the roles reversed. I guess you somehow have a way of telling if you're retarded.

13
Dreamt that Manny was a customer, but kind of retarded. I was driving him home, but halfway there I noticed he was being highly critical of my driving, and his lack of social intelligence might just allow him to report his feelings to my boss. Had to ditch the van and continue on foot in the suburbs near St-Vincent's. Ran into trouble when bullies started chasing us, ond Manny wouldn't run. When they caught us because of him, his true intention was taken as a joke and they thought they'd call his bluff and make us all go 'for a round.'
Before that, in a hospital before entering Cegep, going for a required exam. Go to high and return to the floor where mom is finding the place faster. The waiting line is long and the doctor is trying te be cool. Finding out that it's just any physical, we decide to go to a doc I've been to before. Before leaving, mom sees that my charts are just there for the taking and we take them. She says te condition for taking them is that we ration them, like she'll read a little to me every now and again.
The test was a physical pain limit test, where the doc would cut my foot off until I couldn't take anymore. Looking at the chart, there was the first section '1-9', then the second section "Want to make a commitment (and presumably jump straight to that intensity)?" '10-19' and then the rest, with the numbers turning into stuff like 'clarity' at around 40.

25/07
Super sad that I had to ditch the PA van in front of KC's house, which he'd shown me earlier that dream: It was a duplex-condo, like 2379 Duvernay but in a much hillier neighbourhood, definitely QC. I think it was the the Fontenay neighbourhood farthest from my place, but had overtones of Soto's Chemin Ste-Foy place. His place was nice but I declined his invitation/follow-through with the plan in my usual 'don't-want-to-accept-anything-from-anyone' attitude. He went in, and he seemed to watch a movie. I had to ditch t he van out of fear after something terrible happened to it, like it being stripped for parts (ie, the tires.) Ran around the backyards trying to get away from the situation ASAP, but kept running into people. I kept my best air of belonging but deep down I was scared and sad/disappointed in myself for lettincg it come to this.
The life of a cat. Sad, unwanted and alone. Fiercely efficient but only one.
After seeing the cats outside my window, I dreamt that I was part of a team of cats that was storming the fortress of an evil mummy. I could fly and had to go back to change weapons which seemed effective in the end. The sad ending was failure or disappointment.
Midday dream about extracting DMT, just enough for one hit, from a little of my MHRB. Poured it into a smoking position but woke up before I did. Felt like I wasted.

Of course, there are many theories as to why we dream. Science is hard pressed to actually explain the rapid eye movements associated with them, though. First I believed it was simply a by-product, a reflexive action that our brains would eventually learn to correct, if only for the sake of efficiency and not wasting energy.
I was giving this some thought last night, though, and I remembered readnig in some Psych texts that you can tell if someone is lying if they look at their upper right visual field before answering, since that (in theory) meant they were accessing their right brain (the creative) to make up a lie.
In this light, I suppose the flitting eye movements are probably not due to to looking or processing information faster than waking but to accessing different parts of the brain as fast as waking while letting the eyes follow their default action since they are not being used for sight.

REM sleep
Has anyone figured out the purpose of rapid eye movement during sleep? Certainly, it's an indicator of dreaming, but why the darting eyes? Are we actually looking at the back of our eyelids? Probably not. More likely, our visual cortex is being stimulated by what we 'see' in our dreams and flickering eye movements are a by-product of the action of shifting our visual fields in our mind's eye (whew..) Sort of like some of the movements we might make in deep sleep. So why are they so fast? I mean, it is called rapid eye movement. Are we seeing things at an accelerated pace? Do we then process, make decisions and likewise think faster in deep sleep? Is this a primordial way of thinking, where a split second meant the difference between life and death?

Shamanism and occult insight
It's interesting to note that any real insight or relationship with a visionary plant is realized mostly through habit. That is, one must forsake novelty and build a routine surrounding this plant to reap any of the benefits (which are, paradoxically, novel ideas.) Makes one think about nomadism and sedentary lifestyles, and how that applies to contemporary culture.

What's wrong with consensual reality:
1.) The environment. Is climate change a reality? 'Course I wouldn't mind if everyone would stop driving, either..
2.) The drug war. I'm told that the rehab costs are the reason behind outlawing mind-altering substances. There would probably be less crime if there was a 'no shoes, no shirt, no service' rule to buying drugs.
3.) Poverty. Financial, physical and spiritual. Children die everyday.

Catharsis.
It took me a while to find a summer job after that, I must have gone to at least 15 interviews that were either referred or related to school. After a certain waiting period, my mother's worries that I wasn't going to find a job and her remark that the local variety shop was looking for a clerk (which I know about of course, but I considered beneath me) finally made me apply, and get the variety shop clerk job. It was a pretty unmotivating job, but I was looking forward to the school year. To my dismay (I sort of saw it coming as the position I occupied was highly replaceable) they told me I didn't do it for them after two weeks (which coincided with the guy I was replacing returning from his vacation.) Through some great (my most fortunate one to date) synchronicity, I found a job, and started working even before I would have started the next work week at my old job. It paid more than any of my old jobs and was very enjoyable. I kept it during the school year.

On the subject of passions. They consume, bring forth wards and images I find revolting. I frustrate and furrow my brow visibly when I perceive these thoughts. It's all I can do to change the subject, change my mind, say "NO!" According to BOtHBB, these passions are associated with the left-hand path, practically meaning they are evil. Amongst other things associated with the left-hand path is the use of mind-altering entheogens. I've read about these passions long before I could feel them, and I was always taught they should be abandoned or discarded. This was much easier to accept than that quieting the mind's voice was zen. Now, I think these passions have some use, especially if one includes the lesser passions such as eating or lusting.

Electric charge inherent in this body. Source of the physical unease. Reminescent of a quest.
Feeling better now (palindrome of won. Now that I've won?) No longer prominently feeling like I'm hosting an exceptional.
No American breakfast cereal or gaming console.
The whole sweater and body heat theory.
LITE. My window is small these days.. Almost too small to quid. Anxious to smoke a negative parallel to the past?
I saw myself at work rising above everything, being over 50 feet tall. A huge balloon, it seemed, since I was seeing myself. Then div was there, facing me from the south. I was a little disappointed there was someone as big as I was so close.
I was asked what animal I was worshipping, and that I couldn't be my pet cat 'cause he was too far. In my neighborhood, the cats were under strict lock and key (a little too much like dogs) and
nowhere was this more apparent (ok, not that much, wanted to use that phrase) than downstairs. Nothing but squirrels, pigeons and other critter were masterless and available for worship. I longed for the Peregrine from my dreams. I knew he was around. What if this contemporary paganism was another one of these 'closely guarded secrets'? Like the McGill Lion, only they had a live one hiddensomewhere. Deep underground, beneath the Arts building, the old male flicked his tail in his PRISON, only purpose to be personified by student payers. It used to be whoever assumed his spirit the best would achieve the best marks and standing, usually as a side-effect. Nowadays, however, his interest is waning..
Feel full guilt at taping t.v. shows. As in it's 'not cool'.
My ideal life would be living as on artist, in a super clean studio apartment. That's a little unrealistic, however, and I'm studying to become a physician, with a house and wilderness. Back to one, I'd have a super nice fridge with very little, super good bottled water. It would be white, minimalist and high-ceilinged. Large windows would let in a lot of light, with the skyline at my feet. Nice plants, a pitch black grow and meditation room where I would grow rare flowers as well as journey during the plants' night cycle. Super nice computer set-up would be in one of the windowed living rooms, with a tv, couch and coffee table (the usual). Bedroom would be empty except for the bed, and would adjourn into the bathroom (dressing in between). Ahh.. Fantasizing is such a reward. Must read: The Evolutionary Mind by Sheldrake et al. The Hip on Live 8.

Cat some point during the night, possibly because I tried to sleep 12 hours. Realized that I was dreaming at another point, but suspension of disbelief/fighting wakefulness was difficult. Realization came when I refused to believe the nightmare. I opened one door to be greeted by a laughing audience. Unfocused vision. Flew around for a while, but disbelief was turning it into a run. Final waking dream, barbarian from the middle ages in our time fighting a corp. who might have travelled to his time for an artifact and brought him back accidentally. After winning, feast in his time, I was the barbarian at better times, but unfortunately identified with the second good guy from present having returned, weaker and always worrying (albeit justifiably at the end with the helis.) Although the better was obviously the barbarian king who found the banana cache and 'called' the huge first room (with the girl.) Final theme song, "All my life."

Word associations:
And: An' -> N -> Not. Meaning the opposite of the following.

In the city, a car is more important than a tv.
Different tribes. The people I work with form a relatively stable community. The more people change, the more it stays the same. Hiring a new person like adding a drop of water to the pond.
In any case, along comes this hunter from another tribe, thinking she can blend in. The sedentary style seems to pose no threat to her passing.
I have the eyes of a bug, a bee maybe. Noticed after I saw the albeit nice jaw structure. I could see wolf, but hard time seeing cat.
Tremendous regret that I should have slept an hour ago. Sleeping now would probably not be worth it. Health effects. Sleeping the whole night will probably be better.
Copyrights are granted to the authors stating that only they may copy their stories.

Word associations:

Me: fear
Have: to "halve" something, from which all other double entendres stem. Double meanings to every word. Double meaning it's nearest synonym.
Sure: Shhh-ure, be quiet.
Here: Hear, listen.
Meat: meet

Beta: Like: I Ke, I Care

How to have what you want: A guide to choosing the sex of your child
Let me begin by saying that this content is biased towards selecting for a male. I don't know that this is the case with all people, as I've had this conversation with a male friend sometime ago and he expressed the opposite desire, where he wanted to have 'daddy's little girl'.
In any case, a lot more evidence (under the form of studies) points to women as a determining factor, which is unfortunate as controlling certain aspects of my own life seemed lot less cold and calculated than, say, 'selecting' a mate based on the likelihood of the offspring's gender.
That being said, optimistic women ar more likely to have sons. Their expectation of how long they think they are going to live, or their perceived level of comfort and luxury is positively correlated with having sons, because having a son is more of an investment than having a daughter. For the same reason, I expect, mothers in stable relationships more likely to have boys, while single mothers are more likely to have daughters.

A romantic fairy tale life...
I'm fairly confident that I'll achieve everything I set out to accomplish, essentially keeping a realistic perspective on my goals.
I plan now and am rewarded above and beyond my expectations, but I don't aim low. I can work to keep my standards on the rise.
I'm pleased with my identity!

Health update: Evening fasts work! I used to have annoying NC, and now I sleep like a baby. Whey is being good, better quality shows. So with evening fasting, I'll usually stop eating around 3.
For more information about evening fasting, visit:Gregg Aveddon.com.

I think it would be fun to write with both hands. For any of you thinking about converting, I recommend this article-especially if you like scary stories. (I think they're just jealous :)).
That and Dvorak should keep me busy...

I'm thankful for a well-paying part-time job, for a great apartment, and for the chance to do well in school. Sorry I haven't written in so long.. Now I have to study!

Well, so far the first half of the semester has been way below expectations. I'm thankful for my easy part-time source of income, for a great apartment and for my health.

So last night I was at the Officer's ball, with only my advisee wearing formal attire. 'Cuz told me the girl by the door was interested in 'communicating' with my dad. I regretted a little being so immediate and upfront about it with him, though, since he practically raced over there and abandoned any possible mystery he might have had. Although his fluency in Italian impressed me, I could see it didn't outweigh the desperation he'd shown to my cousin et al.

It was a much more southern style campus, fraught with catholic architecture. There were two specific houses I knew like the back of my hand, one which sported the round window clocktower effect. It felt like home, but home right before a grown-up party full of people I didn't know. Some kind of banquet was going to take place, for my classmates and I. I got caught playing around with the chocolate dollars, and tried to claim I'd been eating them. I was told that "One would be good for me, but.." So I reluctantly had one even though I didn't even want it. I had a partner, but it didn't do me much good as 7:30 rolled around and the name-calling was about to begin. I hadn't checked my watch yet but I had a sinking feeling. I couldn't last past 7:30, I thought, and when I saw 7:40 I was crestfallen. I'd called out for the sake of brevity, but the wrap-up was going to be excruciating nonetheless. I closed my eyes and reached out to whoever was in front of me. It could have been a lot worse, I found out, when I opened my eyes and saw she still had her eyes closed and was smiling. It broke up quite abruptly and I managed to make my way to the table, embarrassed as I was, trying to stop myself from shewing how much I wanted to sit beside her. I was served, but my appetite was nothing compared to earlier that day, due mostly in part to the eating of chocolate. The salad looked healthy and everything, but my mood was put off by the original name-calling (which seemed to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

1. Current situation: worried about the future. Worried that the mistakes I've made are the proof that my life won't be perfect. Worries cast doubt on everything, such as social situations, where even the relationships where I feel so confident that I border on abrasive scare me when I think of some people who I really can't tell until they blow up at me in public.

2. Alternate situation: Although this is the only life I can remember, and my beliefs preclude any undefined idea of paradise, I don't need it to be perfect. It may be a little unconfirmist, but I'm here now, and what's done is done, and I can only look to the future. I am ideal for myself.

3.

Had the scariest dream I've had in a long time last night.. Started out easy-going enough, it was the last day of some high school year, and I was saying good bye to all my classmates. Cut to watching one of my classmates in a high speed chase with another one of my classmates.

I decide to follow them, the road is bumpy but I finally arrive at some foreign yard and amphitheatre.. A few people are hanging out in a small tunnel, so I greet a classmate. Make idle chitchat, am told to go and watch a movie in progress, and insensitively end with a remark about someone else.

So I go into the apartment, very nicely decorated with modern furniture, etc. And I start having these visions. Super scary little people with no whites in their eyes, only black, with no legs and everywhere I turn there's another one.

Right now, common sense and research say similar things:

It's negative thing, in that it's the wrong answer to one of the measures of feasibility.

But it's the only handicap that increases the goal of relationships. And since that's the result which holds the greatest potential value in relationships, it becomes a positive thing for me.

I want it because I don't mind something more difficult, especially when the rewards are greater.

This is great weather for agriculture. The very hot, wet and humid climate we're having should foster a very agreeable environment for being overwhelmed by lush greenery tomorrow.

I have to clean up my room. I thought I was about to break my lone streak. That math professor's imagination would turn over in its grave if it knew how worn out my sleeve was becoming..

Liking is such a polite excuse for beating around the the dubya (strafing the issue). At extremes, the real fire clearly shines through.

Well, time for bed..

After they had been riding for a while, they reached the foothills of a massive steppe. Othello couldn't see the cloud-shrouded summit, but he hung on, determined to wear out the tigress. She threw a furtive glance at him and growled as she jumped over another gaping river chasm.

They were headed straight up in the direction of the steepest incline, and he could see the beginnings of ice forming over the rocks. As he adjusted his grip to hold on to the increasingly hot and sweaty fur more tightly, he saw steam beginning to escape from her nostrils.

As the ground began to turn white he noticed her huge claws turning red and starting to melt right through the rock hard ice. As he turned towards the direction they were headed anew, he noticed there was nowhere left to go, they were headed for a wall. Suddenly she jumped abruptly and pounced vertically upwards.

They flew a few meters into the sky directly parallel to the cliff. As they reached the peak of their climb, She dug both her front claws into the facade and pulled herself up. As he held on, her body was tense and completely stiff. He almost had to reach around her neck as she slowly freed one paw and slowly began to climb higher, scaling the cliff almost as fast as she had run.

Othello didn't dare look down, but all he could see above them was the fog of clouds covering the mountain tops. They finally seemed to reach the edge of the cliff they'd been scaling. The temperature was clearly sub arctic but the tigress' body was still steaming.


----
"Know thyself"
-Split Infinity

Her look had smoldered through all my defenses, evoking a feeling so pure it was matched only by the egoism I felt in wanting it only for myself.
I felt so naive, it had exceeded my wildest expectations. I felt as though I'd always known her and yet she was so unlike anyone I'd ever met before..

My first thought was of waking up in the middle of the night and deserting her and our fleeting dream.
He knew he would probably not only be shattering my peace with the door's ear-piercing creak, but also be forcing me to get up, since I presumably didn't have my reaching broom or that lever and pulley system.

Using Da Vinci's conservation of energy method, he gets to stay up longer.

With all that time on his hands though, he was bound to get lonely. He'd obviously forgotten the screaming fit I'd thrown at him right before since he'd so casually decided to stroll in
He was bored, did I want to watch a movie or something?

Giving in, I fed them, waking the neighbourhood..

I really have to start closing my door more often.

-----
"... that takes place in an entirely fictional town, with fictional players, and fictional clothes.."

Sure, feeling secure is important.. but too much security is boring. Where is the sense of adventure, the inspiring unpredictability? I want to feel secure in the knowledge that nothing is for sure. In the knowledge that I create my own destiny. The only thing that's for sure is that anything can happen, but only if you try. Risk takes courage, and that's what makes it beautiful.

----
"Quickly, follow the unknown.."
-The Hip

Expectations.

Those others have of me, those unlucky people have of things within and without their control and the practically indestructible ones I form immediately after making even the slightest of mistakes.

What's right isn't always the easiest thing to do. Motivated by greed but acting under the pretense of benevolence, I protested. I'll go with the flow.

Caught red-handed. Is there anything more embarrassing? I feel as though there was some kind of invisible ledger where everything was tabulated, and being caught caused a loss..

I feel the lull of routine and discipline pulling me in the correct direction, but I also know that I should be rational about my wishes and stop being a slave to what I think is right.

I started looking for that elusive needle in a haystack. I have little to no proof it isn't attached to me, but on the off chance that it might not be I'll try and face it. I feel like a dog who's chasing his own tail.

Summer is nearly in full-bloom and I still haven't accomplished any of the things I wanted to. I started eating less, banking on the knowledge that people who eat less live longer. Sure, I've given in to temptation a few times throughout the semester, but it was always on a whim and definitely a learning experience. Anyway, I think that I can learn from my mistakes.

---
'But if we don't watch commercials it's like we're stealing t.v.!'

The most motivating factor in getting me to disbelieve was the pattern that I thought I noticed.
The satisfaction I felt when I allowed it to prove my point always appeared to outweigh, albeit barely, the constant and increasingly heavy cowl it placed upon my mind. The recurrent rules it spawned seemed observably incontestable.

But I shrug it off and play through the pain. Irreparable, unforgiveable and dumb, but only mistakes. When I try to be this carefully clean, the trivial carelessness I could have taken for granted is the growing thorn in my side.

----
"Know the rules, and know when to break them"

I feel like I know it's going to hurt, like all I can do now is try and break my fall. The disconcerting feeling that I'm missing something is mostly what keeps me from feeling proud all the time, so I guess I should be thankful for it.
The competition is fierce as far as connectivity is concerned, both from within and from without.
Sweaty summer is right around the corner, and going to the movies has never sounded so foolish.
I'm so impatient, I want to keep everyone in suspense until that last possible moment. When they'll either hate me for making them wait so long or love every single moment.
Besides, delaying gratification is healthy, so they can thank me later.

The next morning, the sun was shining brightly through the morning mist. The large blossom cradled the small pond near where I had camped for the night. I wandered over to the beach, still enjoying the swaying cushioning of the massive branches beneath me. The water was crystal clear, and I looked at my reflection briefly before breaking the stillness to splash water on my face.

Dear so-and-so,

The last time I didn't write, snow still covered the trees. Now it's a capricious spring, and I still haven't pinpointed how I'm going to make you notice it.

I can hardly contain myself anymore! The mathematic renegades, with their long gray hair and black bandanas seem to give me the evil eye more than usual too, it makes me cringe.

So it seems like a game of golf could sweep my boredom under the rug, to think the town was once abandoned! I could always call old married Prof, for a game where we'd all end up using wedges after putting away all they wood. Tough nine, that back one.

Finally, I decided they were displeased about the one that approached us, and it made me feel a little more important to be possibly approved.

After I'd hit a nice curve through the wind (which ended up being a slice and hitting an overhanging tree) I noticed them using putters for driving. I asked them why they weren't using woods or such, and she replied it was because they'd just used them. I asked them why they weren't re-using them, that I thought you _could_ re-use them, but she replied very gently (albeit condascendingly) that, no, you could never re-use them. She pointed to everywhere we'd been, and sure enough, there were all the other (good clubs) standing straight up on the grass. I noticed a cluster of regular drivers, etc. and asked what they were, and she said that it had been a hard putt.

But she was angry, wasn't she? Tossing things on the bed, pointing out that I had overstayed my welcome.. I knew it was time we both disappear for while around then..

I.

Sweaty, dirty, feeling sore. The ground is getting cold under my feet, so I pick up the pace trying to avoid the sharp twigs and brambles. I want to use my knife, slash at wood and give myself some confidence, but I know it would only dull it and I don't know if or when I'll need it clean. The evening sounds begin to surround me, and I'm still in shock from the sudden loss of any and all of civilization's sounds.

I gave a loud, guttural howl, knowing full well those mindless robots would not be intimidated in the least. By this time I wanted them to know I'd set my trap. I'd always felt very ready, and I knew the data jack would not re-activate until the next morning. Surprisingly, the first sounds I heard did not seem like mindless destruction. There was careful pacing, almost respectful sniffing, and a final deep purr. Just as I was about to spring and give in to the feeling this was just another trick, I saw them. A piercing pair or blue eyes that seemed to always have been part of the scenery.

They seemed to examine me, carefully sizing me up. I had forgotten all about my defenses, and after some time I realized that they were no longer looking at me. With calculated precision, the head the eyes were part of slowly made it's way through the bushes. A huge, 12 foot white on black striped tiger started stepping towards me in the trunk of my tree hiding camp. I was about 50 feet from the ground, so I thought I still had time to think. I was leaning over the side of the 4th or 5th large branch of the massive redwood that currently housed me.

With what seemed like no effort, the tiger hopped onto the first branch. It was then that I noticed the claw marks all over the branches surrounding me. I gripped my knife tightly, without really expecting it to make a difference.

II.

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. This felt different than ordinary fear, however, and I once again looked at the ground and wondered how much time I would save by simply jumping down instead of attempting an actual confrontation. I no longer had time to think. The tiger opened it's jaw, but instead bit down only on the wooden club I'd fashioned. I swung down like I'd practiced and fell to the ground in a crouch. My trap hadn't been sprung, however, so I could only run to the valley between us and the beach.

I picked up two of the grapefruit-sized rocks and looked around frantically with my back to the water. Before I could even throw anything, however, I was on the ground with one arm in the tiger's jaw and another in an almost gentle grip of its paw's underlying claws. Up this close, I noticed that the tiger's fur was almost shimmering in the twilight.

It seemed to be smiling, but I couldn't tell if it was because it knew it had won or because it felt it was going to have supper. Then slowly it sniffed the air and studied an area completely the same as all the areas around it of the jungle wall. It must have decided it was done playing, as it picked up me up with it's jaws in a completely effortless manner and slung me onto it's back. "Trust me, these robots would do you more harm than good. They know all about your small plan, and have probably been keeping tabs on your location with that knife you're holding onto."

I hung on in disbelief, looking back only to see the square path cut through the jungle by two androids. One of them began running at the inhuman speed, rapidly gaining, while the other bent down on one knee and aimed its rifle. "Hold on," I heard as the first was practically upon us and the second was cocking his riflle getting ready to let off a shot.

III.

The tiger pounced, and we glided into the jungle. We only seemed to touch the ground every so often, and the tiger finally decided we were safe when we arrived at a small clearing near the river. I slowly slid off, and checked my surroundings. I turned to see the tiger drinking a little from the river, stopping for a moment to nod behind me. I turned and saw a small campground, with a satchel and what looked like a compacted tent. I looked around for the tiger, needing to ask it many questions. There was simply noone there, however, so I started towards the campground.

Othello heard a rustling and turned to see the tiger pawing the ground between them. He wanted to confront her, ask her what she knew of this place that even the androids seemed unfamilliar with, but when he looked into her piercing eyes he suddenly remembered the dream he'd had the night before.

Before she could even make a move, he started towards her and tried to tackle her. He managed to get on her back and gripped her fur tightly as she tried to shake him off. Finally she took off, bucking and trying to loosen his grip. She veered to the side, jumping over underlying branches, no longer thinking about where they were going. He fur was getting sweaty, but Othello had a firm grip and was using his legs to keep himself steady. She raced across the hills, over the river, towards what seemed like a towering mountain.

He kept on thinking that he could tame this animal, but he was unprepared for the steam that began flowing from her nostrils. She was racing, claws digging into every possible foothold in a calculated, precise way. It was obvious she's been through this course before, he realized.

In grade 9 french class, everyone waited for their math marks. My cousin was also there, and I remember feeling proud and elated this was a grade we shared. I remember waiting for the marks list, not caring that according to my belief these grades were not private. The teacher passed out a copy nearby and skipped me so I made an effort to make eye contact and got something. It looked like an old report card, with too much detail for the anxious. Naturally I looked to the bottom right-hand corner of the paper for the final total, and my heart skipped a beat when I read 20. The fight-or-flight was unnerving as I frantically scanned the paper. I later saw that 20 meant '20 out of 20' and my final grade (possibly written in pen) was written near the top of the right-hand side. I had 70%, which is certainly better than 20 but nothing to write home about either. The initial shock I experienced by accident definitely dulled any reaction I subsequently had.

The closed off wing. The leading lady is mean, creating quite a distraction from everyday monotony.
He's looking like his usual teen self, and they were there too. There is some 3 quarters view of the straddle, but that could have been chalked up to something else entirely.
Upset over the change of pace leading to lack of self control. Interestingly enough, the class interprets it without inventing added benefits to delay of gratification.

Murder the Structure.
(Puma looks like a mongoose now.)
After complications with the check-in clerk, averted causing a scene because of my brother behind me. Hungry for credit, getting children to scream out his name two times. Last minute jitters, hunger for purchase.
Literally dripping with that disgusting enthusiam pervading all commitments.
Having beautiful nightmares.
Dreams so scary they completely undermine any positive self-image I may have of myself at the time, while being so beautiful it's saddening.

Flight

Awesome morning flight, though not as good as the first. Power lines and at least a skyscraper from the ground, though.

Arrive at a mountain penthouse, where I enter a cozy abode. She's on a bed and lowlight streams in from a few indistinct sources. I sit across from her at the foot of her bed, and tell her about everything that's happened. She seems happy that I've succeeded in obtaining the degree and the grant I wanted.

By now the room is darker and she's someone I've never met before. She is good-looking, but between us and to the side is her little brother who I'm play-fighting with one-handedly. Her hair is lightly highlighted, bouncy, curly and dark, contrasting with her skin. I get beside her and face the kid to the side, who seems about 9 and a little hyper.

My cousin comes in, wearing a small significant jewel on his forehead. He's following my brother and the other girl, and while he's bowing to remove his shoes he conceals a presumably disappointed expression. After they've gone I guess that if the kid wanted to, he could probably hurt me. I wonder if there's fear in his heart. I bite him and he calms down a bit.

I reach for her. As she snuggles in I wrap my hand around her, hiding her chest. She reacts happily. I wonder why she had her chest out already. My coat jacket feels rough and I don't want to hurt her. I am ashamed about seeing her, so my coat sleeve covers my palm.

14/09
"Law & Order: Kidnapping"*
Unbelievably real. Even considered the possibility of it being a dream. As scared as I've ever been. Riding around in the car (or a white van?) had a list (or was it random houses?). Last house had 'nuff backdoors. Outside, the older kid was looking sad, and I was like 'nod,' and I'll be on my way. Scary, drove around the corner and there was a discussion as to whether I was going to set-up shop in the snow above the convenience store.

11/09
"My brother's keeper"**
Action/drama
I was acting. Fighting a war or something, and I was from the other side. I joined the other other side, a the smaller faction who believed more, and joined the side my brother was on. The ailes was there as the latest of three who are revealed to me in order. The action part is when I go backstage on a magic show or something and find the tigers of two magicians (even though the one I see is a short-haired woman). They attack me, all vicious and sniffing. The dogs come to my rescue, barking at them and scaring them off.

Now we're off to some 1, some road, commerce, and we find the street, and I'm asked what number it is here. They're decreasing, and later I see they're higher but don't stop to think about this discrepancy. The whole lot has miniature houses, and we go into the shed to talk to the salesman. We've been here before, but I was sitting on the opposite side more against it than I am now or something. The salesman is memorably annoying with his curly dark brown (thinks he can get it as dark as me) hair. Cut to me fooling into going skiing. saying I should get 12 and 1/2's (someone better is getting 12 3/4's later) and we're off.

01/09
"On vacation" *** [part2]
Action/mystery in other order. Starts out going to a Toronto subway station, Dundas, or something. Repeated it about 20 times. Go through too much trouble to tie my bike up, as if Toronto was so much more than I was used to. Almost born there, after all. See cousin in the subway station.
Cut to trip to California (nice weather), with thompson and the attorney. Had to go through tunnels, get a little wet to go through a cleaner one, faster or something, remember having calculated the better one whether or not I convinced them. Landed in a southern gimp collector's hut, captured us and after we escaped, me last, I remember telling the boys about how in our last minutes chasing together he changed his ways and tried to apologize and tell me about how all he wanted was a friend.
Took a tunnel to escape the dude and came out on the third floor of a twin house. All we wanted to do was leave, but I spotted the motion detector alarm we set off as we arrived at the door on the first floor. I'm all about going back through the tunnel, but thompson goes back down to the first floor and tries to make what appears to be a boy's shoes fit him. He doesn't get it, but waits, while I get it and get the older's [cool original white w/ france flag insignia] shoes super under pressure. I think I found a good pair, no longer care whether we're going to go front or back the way we came 'cause I can run now (was barefoot earlier.) A good thrill.

22/07
(? 2 days from now)
"The Coldhouse"**1/2
Thriller. Recurring memories of this dream. Coldhouse up a cliff mountain Ste-Anne and better close the Blvd. champlain. Cold house. Was cold weather.
Entering (by breaking) into one, after having thrown dishes into the fire at the other. Having better time alone on the other side. When finally discovered, made a break for it (he didn't act like I was really in trouble to get me to stay calm was my most recent justification/reasoning).
Got the '67 Mustang. Met up with cousin once down there, talking to him a little about it.
Talking to him like now, thinking of the pros and cons of what I'll say in what context from their perspective before I say it. (Is it good to talk?) Last item before dream ended, "You know how it has two sides?... Led into something. Still driving the Mustang, scared of being pulled over, was thinking about telling him the reason was I didn't have the registration on this car. Blvd.-side restaurants and motel neon signs lighting up the way. The cops ending up not even pulling anyone over.
Feel as though I haven't conveyed the full extent of the mystery of the coldhous(es.) I enter through a rope bridge, and into this single-family sized habitat seemingly carved out of the cliff into which it rests. Outside its windy and ice-cold, but inside a warm and bustling restaurant-like environment greets me. It's prevalently orange, and the fire rages to the right. Small round tables are packed with patrons, all engaged and boisterous. Who cares what they're eating? I don't even remember what I ate, probably some warm pasta, maybe spaghetti and (sounds like meatballs!)
Something about showing off, I at some point threw my dish into the fire. Now, it's not clear whether I owned the dish (and/or by extrapolation the restaurant) or not, but it was definitely an act of [monetary] financial frivolity. Evening (still young) and interesting winding down, excitement definitely waning. Left to go to the "other side" and had to break in. The room was empty, except maybe for a small tool in one of the corners, like an axe of something [shovel.] Caught, after a while, (felt like I slept there,) but next scene after running it's night again with cousin.

15/07
"Arctic Ice"***
Sad. Three crewed spaceship. The blond girl fell into a coma created by and is abducted by aliens. All of this has a very graphic novel feel to it. The guy (I) discovers a way of extracting the information out of the aliens' DB pertinent to the DNA code of the abducted crew member. The whole question rests on whether he can extract the code relative to the mind, thoughts and memories of the missing blond crew member. When he is successful, the numbers take on her handwriting (later revealed as guy's, clearest handwritten word: "Arctic Ice." Her first words upon returning are "No, no, no..." (She is upset, we, the audience must conclude that the "coma" was a nicer place with a purpose.) Roll credits, invisibly unfocused to me. Episode No °XX, "Arctic Ice."
P.S. Possibly not numbers originally but typed chars.

3/08/01
Little bugs/animals crowding my bed as I went to sleep. Miniatures, figurines. Still but moved if prodded. At first weird bug looked like dinosaur/turtle and two weird mosquitoes. Pretty huge for bugs, scared. Was going to kill them, but they escaped. Went upstairs 'cause although they hadn't touched me, it was gross to know there was huge bugs in my room. But when I came back there was a whole little zoo of creatures. No longer bugs, even little humans. Distinct remember the polar bears. They didn't harm or even touch, 1st or 2nd (in which they ran) time, but rather were just there, AND I was scared, was to kill them.

"School"
I go to school, am doing alright except that I'm a few days late. I return home, and call the french teacher after I've made myself an awesome lunch. I'm all apologetic, and it's alright, getting by as always. We then talk a little about the new teacher, who I'm apparently having difficulties with. Then, I'm going upstairs as I expect to hang up soon, and brother is super disrespectful of my food like, "Here, I set it up for you" and throws it. Other brother laughs. I want to say, "Hey!" but I'm on the phone and I resign myself to the fact that if I didn't catch him in the act it's no good. So I make my choice among both priorities and lock myself in the bathroom to get privacy and finish this phone conversation.
I say, "Hello.... Hello?"
Finally, The new teacher answers instead of the french one. She's like, all teary-eyed and stuff, and talking about her morning class, but I correct her and tell her I'm going to be in her afternoon class. She's like, "Afternoon? Yeah, I'm going to it right now! Are you going to be there or do you want me to stand around like a picket?!" (In french, with a french accent.) My heart sinks, as I'm going through the possibilities: I can run and make it late, or not. And I tell her, "No, no.. But in the future (a l'avenir..)." Bad on all fronts: bad with brother, bad with the teacher!

"The riddle"*
Starts out I'm taking care of brother. In a mall or something. Go into department store or something, strip and go swimming in their fountain. Later, realize there are still people all over the place. They ignore us as we disorganize everything and take stuff at will. I grab my stuff and we go upstairs into this little room.
On a bed facing the wall.. He splits, then I have to follow, almost outside, and I'm paranoid, worrying 'cause I'm responsible for him and it's so much if we get caught. He's having fun, apparently. Then I have a momentary transmogrification and I'm following to someplace, 'cause I returned there with my sister at night. Brother's not there, which is good, 'cause he would have continued the reckless pattern and pointed me out as the guy who taught him this. I almost take something, but it's risky as heck 'cause there's somebody right there (I see after the fact.) So I hear from her that where we were headed is that-a-way (she's asked that person,) to the biology dept. So we are going, and I'm as gloomy as ever, in the public humiliation of following my her.
She's as bright as ever, asking me questions and stupid ones about where we're going to make me answer. Like taking the wrong path on purpose. Finally, the building turns into the school and I remember thinking, why are going down a step if we just went up one? It totally reminds of an Escher painting. It was probably like in the school, an overpass or something, I told myself. Then, she disappears, and I'm left with two dependents. One, a tall, fair person, is confident and following us well. The other, blind, short and dirty, I'm responsible for as we are going somewhere. The short one is going to wait for us at the biology dept. The blond is faceless, but seems nice. As we walk away, we're talking and getting along really well. There's a whole bunch of people in the central bottom-floor square in a seating arrangement kind of like facing a stage, but I don't look at a stage. I get a good feeling, and I'm not even sure that where the the other is, so I put it in a hypothetical situation that says something nice. All I hear is that "this is exactly what IS happening!"
Down by the crowd, four people ask me a riddle about how 'if I had the last of my water, and we were in the desert' to who would I give it to. I answer I'd give it to both of them, and they are confused, so I try and explain. Someone annoying and small, jumps in and says, "All of them." And that was the right answer. I'm told repeatedly that I gave the wrong answer, I was wrong, etc. by attorney. I wake up a little later, not caring about anything else that having done the right thing.

Am I supposed to realize what this means? I do the only thing I don't remember: anything else.

As soon as I feel it beginning, the premonition that I'm going to do something I've done before, I stop. I don't know if it's good or bad, and whatever I was going to do certainly isn't either, but I interrupt the flow. I guess that I have to do something different (at least this time around).
So I do. Anything different, that is. Nothing earth-shattering, I usually get around to doing what I was going to do anyway. Is this what getting older feels like?

Oddly enough, this describes not only what I'm writing about, but something else entirely.

12/09
"Cabin Fever"*

Couldn't remember at first, then it started coming back to me. I remember the part that was cool like _going_ to the movies, then had to escape this madman who could tower over the woods. I was helping these two strangers escape, and when I turned back and they were no longer there, I didn't trust them enough to believe they still needed help. Met back with them at the lobby and they were mad at me and ignoring me. Escaping had been very hard though, and scary. Another part was the items we had in the car.

At the movies with a large family. I work at the theatre, and so they ask my help in doing this "I-need-a-third-account-to-watch-this" thing. I picture myself asking the guards and stuff to let them in and the risk of failure even though I'm an employee that they simply can't. I am not succeeding in time to add their third account (I'm looking at my watch) since the movie is about to begin and they've already taken their seats. So finally I panic and simply bill it under one of their two existing accounts. As they exit I hear the father say "the bill said to bill it." And that's when I realize I HADN'T paid for it and they had been stuck with the bill even though I had supposedly "invited" them. Embarrassment, humiliation. More to the point, I couldn't express my humiliation at jeopardizing our relationship. The excuses I would have to give! I mean, even if I'd paid for it right there..