Here's a pic of my sister and I last time I went to QC to visit my family.

Shot four times in my right shoulder last night.. Just like in T2

My interesting dream recently was another stormy and rainy night though.. "This life thing is over" somebody said, and that pretty much summed up the theme of it. I was at a red light, going to the set of my job. The people in the car beside me gun the engine and pass me by far, I'm frustrated but let them go. As I follow them I see they have a huge cage tied to the top of their car. I regret getting mad at them now, since if they unleashed that thing on me I would definitely not want to get any closer.

It looks like a huge bat in there and I'm wondering what kind of sick goths are driving that car. We end up at the same place and I'm just glad that thing is still in it's cage. It turns out to be a koala, but it's still pretty scary the way it looks at me..w

It all started when I was home alone and I started getting strange clues that someone was getting into my apartment. I would be sure noone was home, but then I'd find a pack of food out of place, etc. I was getting scared, 'cause why was someone in my house? What were they waiting for to make their presence known? I mean, the only thing that they could be waiting this long for (to actually get hungry waiting and have to take some of my food) would be something they didn't want me to know about.

So I got the bright idea to have a sleepover and invite lots of people. My two roommates came, and they invited their friends, and the night passed by quickly 'cause I didn't really know them so I didn't really talk to them (not social, I know). I was so happy when I realized you were there, though! It was near the end of the night (3-4 in the morning) and you were lying in my roommate's room. I'm sure it would have been fine for you to crash anywhere, but I wanted you to sleep in my room, and since you were my friend I thought it was for sure you would have to.

[Note: I often do things in my dreams that are "childish" or 'impulsive', like giving in to my desires without giving them much higher thought. In retrospect I find the way I 'forced' you to wake up and come sleep in my room wrong and borderline antisocial since the most social people I know don't focus on one person but let people be themselves. Maybe I missed out on the opportunity to sleep with someone who was still awake and interested in me and wanted to talk and hold each other or something. Sorry for the sex.]

So I put you in my room. I went back out to find a friend of yours who was still awake and wanted to sleep (it was arranged for my room). When we came back you were on my bed but sideways so we didn't have place. So I had to wake you up again, and this time we got ready for bed (brush teeth, etc.) You were on the far left, then your friend, then me. I thought I knew the friend, but it wasn't the only person I could think of since she was much older. I was disappointed 'cause I wanted to sleep next to you. [Again, in hindsight, I wasn't thinking of your bf obligations at all.] You just gave me a look, like, 'it's for the best'. So we fell asleep, and the last thing I said before we were supposed to fall asleep was, 'Mmm, wouldn't it be good to have some of that cake they had earlier?' (One of the people had made a cake and there was lots left) and I turn to look at you and you both are like, 'what do you mean, THIS cake?' and you were both EATING SOME and offering me some!! I refused even though I wanted some lots. I wanted to go back on my decision but I have this thing where if I make a decision I find it really hard to trust someone enough to let them know I changed my mind. Then I thought, I'd have to brush my teeth again, etc.. So I basically just wasted your time wanting some and having you try to convince me to let you give me some.

Finally after falling asleep I regained my confidence and started flying (literally levitating two feet off the ground) from my room to the kitchen super fast. Unfortunately when I got there I noticed a bag of popcorn in the microwave, unpopped. This was after everyone was gone, so I started getting really scared the intruder from the beginning was back again. Then I woke up.

Recent dreams (copied from notes)
Feb 17 2007 - March 11 2007

Breaking into PA's empty highrise, running into someone carrying a TV. Panicking while holding and knowing the cops are coming. Working for my sheets.
Recently breaking out of prison.

In prison.. They're busting an animal out right after he and I got convicted so I can come too. I should place a a playing walkman by the phone in case they call to check out while I'm escaping. The breaker-in has to face major hurdles. A guard (who wakes up from the tranq right and and offers hints for the next) a snake and a fog after. Can't seem to hit the snake w/ the tranq.

I'm really scared of getting caught. The prison psychologist comes to pay me a visit (like he'll do every day), I get cable and am watching a show, the simpson's, where homer has a monkey on a rope, who gets twisted and becomes an antennae or something. Homer takes credit for going that on purpose. That's when the psychologist comes in, asks me about the show, what do humans want to be (if not animals). I don't answer, others animals are in balls like antelopes, now brains are in them. He leaves, after saying, "Welcome" and meaning it, etc.

I set up and everything and get really scared 'cause if I get caught I'll lose more (cable, phone) and surely be watched closer against further attempts to break out. Go to work (catching the bus gets me off the island). JP strangely nice (reads my mind for a Q I was going to ask). Also smoke pot w/ people 'cause I didn't want to miss/lose track of them. (I knew this was the first time in like 3 years (felt like more) and I really didn't want to.)

BTW escaping was returning to the life in the mob. As I was following an older guy in another car, he lets me patrol the next street. When I decline and go though an alley to finish the job I had (celine, sp?) he says, " Well, you're going to have to find your own territory if you don't want to do this here." (the if before the then). And I remember how scare/hard finding my own territory is.
\

March 5th 2007

First long dream where Dan has an episode on Datura (not really, but I don't remember the reason he wasn't himself).

He just kept asking for the drugs until we met up w/ Matt again.

Swam across from Mtl to Nun's Island, and mat's like, "too bad, it is super toxic."

Getting him away from the party solved his asking me for drugs. but going back w/ Matt now in charge.

I wasn't exactly 'cool' and asked a question which got no answer.

In the other room everything is there (except for me, matt, Dan and a better friend of the host [looked like Dana]) (he's who I asked).

Other room: people (I'm afraid of) are Rachel and her friends lost of ppl inl. guys. Playing video games (think maybe risk, but the fights are real). Noah's in the bathroom and Rachel's getting beat up.

Ah! What a nightmare! I dreamt that I was being held down, struggling with all my might but they were too many, as they wanted to cut my eyelashes, "for my own good"!

Happy New Year!
I opened X-mas gifts with my family last night, while having lots of people over for a party. I have to say I wasn't as social as I could have been, but I had to ask myself if I really wanted to..
From my sister I got a super nice Buffalo zip-up hoodie, she sure has taste.
From my brother I got a nice woolen sweater and from my other brother some DVDs.
I'm happy with everything!
My New Year's Resolutions are to go to the gym at least once every two weeks and complain less.

To start 2007 off on the right foot I'm planning some long-term goals, concretely. I'm placing a little less importance on superstitions but more on my heart. I'm going to be nicer and more patient with people, especially this current less than gentlemanly trend I've been expressing.

Here are a few of the new songs/podcasts I've been listening to recently:

GT vs. Project C, most of their mixes are available for download in the forum by the same name, I recommend 11, 15 and 18 if you like vocal trance.

Just Good Music Podcast (available in the Itunes podcast directory): Episode "Best of 2005", the last song (20min mark).

I've also been watching the "Yoga Today" vodcast. They are large downloads but top notch quality. Some of that stuff is hard!

It's like I'm in the twilight zone or something!
When I regret something it projects back into the past as a warning which, since the regret comes after the fact, doesn't warn me on time. Rather, I want to learn from my mistake as a whole and not focus on the details. Project that back in time as a stand-alone framework lesson and not a situation specific regret.

Synchronicity convinced me I am right to think it's not as easy as some atheists would have you believe, hehe..
I mean sure, physics can precisely and minutely describe everything that happened since the big bang but if you stop there then that really isn't any better since if you can't explain the big bang then nothing is stopping anything else from happening and being "Big Bang #2" or something..
Besides, there are a whole slew of things, from the quantum molecular level to the light-bending-around-stars magnitude that physics can't account for and could easily explain a great number of 'paranormal' phenomena that people usually dismiss out of hand instead of being a little more tolerant.
Now I'm not advocating joining Heaven's Gate or anything like that, but can we please open our eyes and start taking a look at this stuff instead of spending so much time and money killing each other in Iraq?

Whoa, I can't be sure it was a dream (but where else could I remember this from?) but I remember reading that my idea was accepted into the Global Ideas Bank recently, and lo and behold this morning I get an e-mail from them saying just that!

Click Here to see it!

More on the story. I just realized how similar to Hypnic's description of his dream, when he had an OBE:
"Next I was flying towards the back of my head, from the direction of the sun. I entered my brain and began paging through my memories, having no clue who I was. At the same time I was freaking out because I didn’t know how to interface with this reality properly and it felt permanent."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Flammarion.jpg

My Goals : Sustainability & Exploration

I. Sustainability means living in harmony with nature and others such that all my basic needs are met. Anything possible is available in unlimited quantities at nobody's expense.

II. Exploration means going out and finding new places and ideas. Settling in other places, building a sustainable system while preserving the original state of affairs. Getting to know new people and developing new abilities for communication.

Ouch!
I totally got beaten up in my dream last night.. and I didn't evn fight back. Didn't hurt as much as I thought. I tried closing my fist as hard as I could to show him how big it was but he could break it by closing his hand over it. Also dreamt about telling my old Math 314 prof, I shouldn't hold grudges like that.

The solution to growing social isolation caused by perpetual iPod use

So the other day I was imagining what it would be like if everyone on the bus could hear the music I was listening to when I got the idea for the next ipod.
They already have iTrip, a little device that you connect to your ipod to let it broadcast to a local radio station. All they have to do is miniaturize it by designing it to broadcast only to other ipods. Wouldn't it be cool for the whole subway car to be tuned in to the same dj's playlist?

Reality Gloves.

In this story, people use bodies to handle this universe similarly to how scientists use glove boxes.



Noone's very conscious of this fact, or this story wouldn't be quite as fantastic. In fact, very few people ever stopped to wonder where they come from and why they're here. Sure, everyone had heard of those questions, such as how exactly something as material as a body could be controlled by something as immaterial as a mind, but they were usually waved off and left to realm of philosophy and theology.

After all, it didn't make much sense to risk everything just to know something you'd eventually figure out anyway, right?

But in this story, every so often someone would resurface on their own. Everyone had their own methods, none of them very appealing to the general populace, who by and large accepted that the price to pay for wearing these gloves was total amnesia with regards to your higher self.

Resurfacing, my first instinct was going back. Diving back down, I now had to find my body. Of course it was effortless, all I really had to do was let go. But trying to understand the decisions that were being made for me was interesting. There was the me from other times, the me that had made different decisions, a infinite number of me's..

Perhaps the most interesting, however was the scene I witnessed while trying to reach you.















to be continued...

I wish that what I want to believe is true.

I want to be great at disciplining my thoughts. I want to have an excellent memory. I imagine myself safe, financially secure, achieving this admirable diploma at McGill, being trustworthy and attractive to others. I want to worry less about other people being affected by my actions.

My idea of heaven is an infinite number of new beautiful places to visit, a great big isolated house bought and paid for to rest in for as long as I want. Sustainable and renewing sources of food supplying me with exactly as much food as I require with minimal work. Contact with the rest of the world through the internet and cable tv. Tangible achievements to satisfy my family and give financial gifts to them. A useful history of problems I caused such that I can fix them. A creative job inventing super beautiful and useful things for people.

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had growing up to learn 3 languages. I'm grateful for having Alex as a friend who introduced me to reading lots of books and computers. I'm grateful for learning to use the internet at the best time so that I could shape it. I'm grateful for the confidence inspiring and reassuring friendships and relationships I have had.

I want the intentions I have to shine through from my soul as the beautiful and honest desires they are. I want the beauty in things to be the only thing that matters.

Mood: Worried
Got in an accident at work today. The whole day started out wrong when I decided to go with only a t-shirt under my winter coat. Zack says it's like the time I was going to high school in t-shirts in November and got pneumonia. I'm on my own now, and it's depressing. Zack is the new guy who's always comparing patterns with my history.
It was really cold coming out, especially since my coat was so loose the wind would just blow through all the time. A car splashed me in the face while I was waiting for the bus in the dark. Still didn't like listening to my favorite songs. Lots of milk to do at work, and Parc had lots of stuff from across the street which meant more time outside in the freezing rain.
Then right as 11 o'clock rolled around and the second guy (Manny) started, I locked the keys in the van. I didn't think we had a spare, so I tried the key from the other van, a coat hanger, then went to the mechanic's, then tried taxis, the cops and finally I told my boss. He found a spare in no time and I managed to get it open.
I had wasted about an hour running around trying to solve the problem by myself. Deliveries were late and it cumulated down to the next run. I didn't finish until 3:30 and walked in to my Comp 251 tutorial soaking wet from walking to the Arts building from Peel station.
I finally got home later with my roommate's bf right behind me. They were kind enough to share some of their meal with me. Then they left for the weekend, and here I am, trying to study for finals next week. It's like the season which had been building since November decided to hit all at once. I gave my phone number to the car I hit, backing up in the alley while they were trying to get out.

I'm starting a new short story about a boy robot who lives in the technoparc. It's set in the not too distant future where cars drive themselves, etc. One day he makes an online purchase and gets ripped off so he goes after the money and it takes him to Mars and beyond.

The patterns in my life are...
The more I try and break out of them the less they let me believe them later when I want to.

Tonight was exactly like the winter day 2001, sitting home alone watching super good cable and my dad came over to fix my broken window. I just laughed at the synchronicity, with an cruel and vengeful streak in there. I took pleasure in the fear my gain in knowledge was eliciting. Feeling super entitled, cool and attractive, much more so than in the 20 years previous of my life, and not ever stopping to question why. Rather like making the wrong decision after finding a 1000$ in your jacket and deciding to make a run for it instead of doing the right thing.

I know it's wrong to take pleasure in other people's fear (even stupid wrong because they might be lulling me into a false sense of security, since I don't know why they're scared). But the power is so attractive.. I sometimes do volunteer work just for the power it entails. *shame*...

I'm sorry about it, I want to do the right thing. I will declare the correct amounts on my next tax return, but I don't know what else is truly wrong (not being grateful enough?) and even that is gray. I thank the people who gave me this job and the opportunity to feel this cool by giving back, respecting in the way I believe counts and giving of my time. I need a job, so I'm not about to quit but I don't think devoting my life and giving too much of my time is the smart thing to do.

I remember one day after the break, asking them to just tell me what to do. His parents were fighting and that was all he knew. Not wanting to do anything, remaining silent because of the future. It's as if money can't buy the gratitude and hard work my parents expect from me. I can meander and be super good for the environment at that grocery store but my mother won't be proud 'cause she knows it's the easy way out. Not reaching my full potential.

Seeing life through someone else's eyes.
I had the most amazing dream the other day while meditating. By completely stilling my mind (there were other factors - too, an intense mental bond with someone in the next room I'd just met for the first time that day) and closing my eyes as if I were to go to sleep (I was actually going to take a nap) I began seeing images as if I was looking at something - but my eyes were closed. Could brainwaves be responsible for this? If so, is this the stuff dreams are made of? (haha.. sorry)

I don't know what's more frustrating, knowing that I wasn't as good yesterday or not knowing what has changed!

As I looked into her eyes, I felt the weight of the consequences of the coming decisions rippling backwards from the future.

I recognized her on a completely different level than two people meeting again after having seeing each other at a party. Although I probably had, my left brain would say, and romanticizing all this is probably not the best course of action (and neither is thinking about the best course of action).

"You're too young to have a girlfriend," I sometimes think I would have told myself.
"Sticking to your studies is really the best career move for you right now."
"She's your friend's ex," is the stickler my morals cling to my sense of what's best in the worst way.

It comes down to being able to do it, if I want. My conscience would like my younger self to know things could have been different, but ultimately my decision balances out the better possibilities. My decision won't let me wallow in the squalor that is how things could have been..

I woke up this morning happier than I have in a long time! It was as relaxed as weekends have been these days, but definitely in a more springtime season. We were living in a small townhouse or cottage near the train tracks at the end of one of the streets off Ste-Catherine's between Lansdowne and Metcalfe.
In any case it was a beautiful day. I was attracted to the girl chatting up my roommate, comparing things about their friends. It seemed they had so much in common, which I attributed to them comparing the same friends.
"My friend with the greenest shirt is named Charlie.." my roommate would say,
"Mine too!" her friend would reply.
I was finding things the both of us could talk about, and it soon became apparent that they were talking about different friends!
"It's funny that you both have so much in common yet are separated by miles!" I remarked.
My roommate started to get angry with me, asking me what I meant by 'miles'.. It was unfortunate because I was hoping she would set me up with her friend..

Later that day we had a great party on my back balcony, with a nice staircase that unfolded from against the wall. There was a baby, and everyone had come from my hometown to throw me this party 'cause I'd called my mom earlier. I felt bad 'cause I'd walked into the surprise party yelling at my brother, who was only baiting me and I should have been in a better mood. I had to buy myself back but there wasn't much time, had to call Luan back from leaving and to bring the baby back with him. Overall it was going to be fun, overcast but with BBQ-ing and lots of fun. I hoped they could stay 'cause I didn't tell them if I had to work that day.

The case for (tel)empathy:
I'd like to begin with a joke, comparing the concept of telepathy as we all know it, (hearing other people's thoughts) to something as real as quantum physics, for example. I often read proofs of the form, since this would model exactly, for all intents and purposes it can be considered that which it is modelling.
If someone could imagine what you're thinking, then there would be little difference between that and actual telepathy. So, try and imagine what people are thinking. Find out if you were right, when possible. The better you get, the closer you'll get to telepathy.
Well maybe not, but it's probably a thoughtful way to live. Real telepathy, wouldn't it improve the quality of life? Less accidents, less misunderstandings.. Everyone's heard of brainwaves, right? I've heard two brains close together oscillate at the same rate. How much information can those waves carry? It doesn't have to be a lot, when things get down to the cellular level (i.e. neurons). Chaos theory is fond of quoting it's butterfly-causing-storms scenario, and while my brain is probably more organized than governed by chance, little static fields around my hair could send little electrical signals (how cells communicate) which can easily be amplified 1000 times over by metabotropic G-proteins.
So maybe all the information stored in the brain can be transmitted this way, visuals, memories, etc.

She told me to stay behind because she was in a hurry. I thought I was faster than her so I didn't listen..
I caught her drive and went until the first stop. I didn't have to hide so much since she was so focused on driving fast. I stopped at an island where she rushed into a apartment building. I kept up with her quite well as she rushed up the stairs even though I had to keep my distance because I can't get caught and she's starting to watch her back.
Ran into an old friend and I think I should stop and talk. I don't want to because she's getting away but not wanting to be rude wins and I stop to make small talk under pressure, he's diffident but friendly.
Next thing I know I've lost her. I start to panic. I go up the stairs all the way to the top of the building but she's gone.
I want to look through the building more thoroughly but I know I'm also not even supposed to be there. I notice that every door I open is a student's, so I ask my friend if this is a student residence. He says that it's for the an exclusive french school, St-Isites something.
I start going faster to find her but there are people milling everywhere and she's impossible to find in the crowd. A girl with dyed red hair standing beside a guy moves to talk to me, stops me, furiously furrowing her forehead, calling me out.
I agree because, well, a kiss is a kiss. I take her, but it's clumsy and wet, the best part being when she approaches nearer. I stop and give her advice. I'm like, no, "Less kissing, more body pressing", hahahaha.
Anyway, I let her get back to whatever, leave and realize that I've lost her. I'm stuck on the island, nowhere to go for who knows how long. My panic is now about whether I'll ever be able to leave. The students are all getting ready to leave and are waiting with a purpose. I think about asking my friend about going where they're going but I hesitate out of pride and lose him too. The only place that's familiar is the building I'm not really welcome in anyway. Hanging around earns me a notice and the owners of the building, probably the adults in charge of the school, put me to work.
As it gets dark I'm about to work my first shift and seal my subservience to them forever.
Before I do though I stall and walk around. I manage to group a few people who agree with me after dark (or when the power goes out). They might want to leave, but they feel accepted enough that it's unlikely they'll act on it.
I leave and go out. It's now a warm sunny day but my panic keeps me from feeling any of it. All the students have gotten on their buses and left. There are a few parked cars, but not enough. I would probably get caught if I tried to steal one to escape.
I spot a privately owned cabin near the building. It's a lot closer than I thought the nearest house was when I'd looked around in the crowd the day before. The cabin has a large underground part only visible to the top as a roof over the ground. Probably won't be welcome there either but it could be abandoned.

So the limewire guilt, part of growing up? Nowadays I just don't talk about it with anyone, 'cause it's bound to a) make me look weird, b) not lead anywhere. I can basically sum it up by it's like acting as if everyone always knows what I'm thinking, what I'm doing or have done, especially when relating to their property, makes me think I'm a better person. But living this way, it's not exactly the go-getter's attitude, more like mr.nice guy.
I used to download so many songs, movies, whatever I could get my hands on, a long time before it was popular. I'm talking like almost 10 years ago, when there weren't mp3 players and the cool kids didn't even have computers. Before napster got busted, I'd burn mix CDs like there was no tomorrow. Then I got busted, got scared a little right before I moved out, went a little too far, moved back, moved away again, started out smart enough, if a little too social, then fell right back into holier-than-thou-sobriety. Phew.. That was a long sentence..

It's just so strange, though!

Well I haven't exactly died in my sleep (how would I know?) but I've been hurt pretty badly twice.

The first time was like 1+ years ago, I had a dream I had to outrun some wolves to leave this house I was at. I tried once, and they got me, I blacked out, and started over right where I had been (weird, I know.. I was too pissed off about losing any potentially 'unsaved changes' i.e. what I had just done to ponder the philosophical ramifications).

It really hurt, though! The wolf jumped and bit me right in the abdomen. I had blinding pain and blacked out, woke up after the third time, after trying to talk to the dude at the house. (I foolishly decided to go without food that night, and totally got hunger pangs _exactly_ where the wolf had bitten me).

The last time was only just recently, like last week. I was at my lame part-time grocery delivery job (which I stay at even though I could do better, what with being in uni and all 'cause it pays SO GOOD! Few $$ per delivery, 30 odd deliveries per shift, you do the math) when this new guy was giving me undermination (undermining me) so I was like fine, I'm out of here (my shift was done anyway).

So I leave, duck into the side door of the store which leads downstairs, even though it's not my department (fruits and vegetables). Suddenly a guy comes out of the f&v room with an automatic uzi covered with a rag (is that supposed to silence it?) and shoots me 3 times in the right chest. Ow! I woke up right away. I was like, they can't fire me, so they kill me?! (I have this theory that the lower in the business world the business, the shadier and more gangster like the politics of it are.

Most recently I dreamed I was swimming with a girl .. nothing to do with dying, that girl was hot though.

Performing is so my dream... I have too much too lose, though, or maybe I just don't believe in it enough.

You kind of need a band or an audition for that kind of thing, too, I think. And a lot of time to devote to writing and just plain being creative.

I love drawing before bed, mainly because I believe it sets the theme for my dreams (I fantasize waaay too much) which in turn I believe sets the theme for the following day.

I'm glad I started recording my (better) dreams about 2-3 years ago. Conscientiously doing so has definitely improved my dream memory, which is fun, just because.
I used to blog them at adolflow.blogspot.com, but that's time too.

It's school, which is like crunch-year (crunchtime.. mmmm.. crunch.. and a little eww) 'cause I'm spsed to graduate this year. I really want to keep studying too, so I have to be good 'cause my first year wasn't all that.

It's also this part-time job, which is so demanding, I'm sure because you don't really need very many good qualifications or experience to work in a grocery store, so I have to shine in a completely different kind of way than just being smart like at school. Like being humble and deferrent to your bosses to make them like you.. Not used to it.

Let's see what my last dreams were about.
Unsurprisingly my favorite dreams are the ones where I win some girl over...

"The line is wiggling wildly these days. I mean I know I ought to be good, eat healthy, work hard, etc. but what happened to having fun? I didn't used to feel guilty about such stupid things as wanting to watch TV or buying some song on iTunes. Not to mention feeling guilty about downloading music off limewire, but that's a whole other story.
The worst part about it is I don't even feel wrong about indulging in the insanely time-consuming fantasies that are spinning out of control. It's all ups and downs, highs and lows, and I've been serious for at least half a year. I like what who I want to be likes, but all these interests are so fleeting when I don't have a mirror to reflect them. I mean, alone, I find myself empty and without hobbies or interests.
Well, it's not all cries and complaints. Whining is easy, letting it out's probably alright. They say that, for sure, so posting it is one step further than letting it out in private to a text file . I had fun, this summer, too. Moving 4 times wasn't fun, but my roommates were cool and the hip show in July was so worth it. Now there's another one in November, and I totally want to go even though it's like twice as much as it used to be.
Music is so my obsession these days, too. I've been serious all this time, I forget exactly why. Part of it must be that I'm trying to be a better student, etc. Busy with this two-bit part-time delivery job, which I know I can do better than, but the money (tips) is sooo good, probably the best salary I can get for sure! I'm just worried about what my CV will look like after graduation, with my no interships but rather a steady pattern of all my free time and then some spent at
this grocery store."
The lesson is don't spurn songs! The limewire guilt is sooo annoying, part of growing up? It's like I think acting as if everyone always knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm doing or have done, especially relating to their property, makes me a better person. But living this way, it's not exactly the go-getter's attitude, more like mr.nice guy.

Who do I thank when things happen in such a funny way?
-He has to be an atheist, you know
I had a not so popular song stuck in my head for no reason.
-You're not allowed to be this happy 'cause you have to move
That song made me want to listen to the Buzz (999thebuzz.com)
-Yeah but the next song was the one you spurned earlier
Angels and airwaves was the first of 9 nonstop that started EXACTLY..

Hanging out with K, following her home. She doesn't seem to care much. I invite myself over to her place. She just ignores and I follow. We get to the subway station which reminds me of NY's small stations or maybe one of Berri's sections. When the subway comes it's super clean and shiny, and looks to be higher tech and way better than the ones I'm used to.

"I thought it was going to be like Lionel-Groulx and the green line," I say meekly, since I don't want to overstay my welcome with dumb comments. We get on the subway and ride it until we're eventually riding it in Japan. The Japanese people on the subway are giving me bad vibes because of the way I got here (making me feel guilty and that I'm not as good as them). One guy sitting sideways to the right of us (I'm in the far left corner) is singing (although his voice has a little grit like he needs to cough). He's hitting the high notes though, and generally pretty good. Noone seems to be bothered by him, though, in fact they seem to like him more than me. I don't give in to the paranoia, I just say a few things here and there while playing on K's gameboy.

I eventually ask if she wants me go with her out of the subway (or was it whether it was OK for me to change seats according to the custom of the subways here?). She answers very lovingly, which I like. We get to her place, which is a subway station. That is, there was no walking between the subway stop and her place, we were just.. there. Walking through the front door, we are inside her family's kitchen. It's supposed to be really late, though, like 1 am, and I expect her family (mom, dad) to be sleeping. The kitchen counters are all made of wooden slats. There is just a lamp on in the kitchen. She stops and says, "Well here they are, the people you came to see."

I am surprised to see my cousins from my aunt's-on-my-mother's-side-of-the-family, i.e. Marisita and Jaime from Mexico city. Jaime is still much younger than I am and I am not too worried about him. His older sister, on the other hand, still radiates a vibe of distrust. Having already tried 'nuff stuff when I was 18 and she was 14 (like writing her a letter saying even though I got to go out with the adults I still wanted to be her friend), I don't want to push her away even more. Aloofness is the one thing that hasn't worked in all this time, however, so I decide to put all my cards on the table and greet her with an enthusiastic remark about how long it's been (very out of character for me and would only happen in circumstances where I was sure to get a reciprocal reaction). Dream ends on the cliffhanger of whether it will affect her or not...

22
First sitting somewhere when A.K. motions her head at me in a late bar referring to me while talking to her friends. "..Makes me think death might not be so bad.." she says with a smile. I know it's not that good a thing to say about me but I'm happy she's talking about me at all.
23
Couldn't stop insulting Denis about his hair (kept referencing it to D's). Before that at the Burtnyk's early morning not really wanted. Their cat.
Then preaching my 'holier than thou' wait for the others in the elevator philosophy.
22
Before: K untuitions. Mafia barely friends with a girl who's father's a boss. Tell her to steal the money from the safe while they're there. By telling the monkey the guy is totally there and asks me what my name is.
23
Sexy dream about Ali. When I wake up she's sad I can remember and still want her. Tearing up at 'having to do it'.
Then super sad dream about YH. We're at the new apt and she's barely moved in and she's tearing up at telling me it would be better for her to move to a high rise downtown. I'm actually pretty sad at it to.
27
Scary dream. At school in winter semester, early morning class like Spanish class wasn't too worried about it but knew better than to think I could skip a class. Get a call on my cell from L at work asking me where the heck I am. I rememeber that I forgot to ask that they change my schedule for this week. It was the 'same schedule for the next three weeks' thing that's going on right now but there was a conflict with last week's Friday. They'd gotten someone to sub for me but since it was the same schedule but different dates they just transcribed the same dates without the sub. I was now supposed to come in at 8 but it was 9:30 and my class was about to start. I was in tho room next door looking into the adjacent but not wanting to entter through the side door (I was already a little late at 9:30). So leave, have to skip, in trouble in both places.
31
Weird redneck terrorists. Adam Sandler was their leader. They did drugs at night. They initiated violence even when the cops called theirs off. First the cops came but they began to think it was a false alarm. The whole operation's cover might not have been blown. Some guy decided to shoot anyway but a cop was like, "What are you thinking?". But then full-scale violence erupted when another guy decided to shoot also and throw a grenade. I threw the grenade though but the fuse was far too long. Eventually the whole thing halted when it was discovered one of the cops had Sandler at gun point. I was (dead?) viewing the thing as third person.
1 June
Tunnel and black cat babies.
Tunnel started at home living in a NDG style apt with S who was getting friendlier. Her friend comes over who she schools by asking to please use the R-L tunnel to come over not to be wet in the rain. Her friend has a better body and blond streaks but presumable face problems. I'm already late for work so I leave and want to take the R-L tunnel but I've forgotten exactly how or something and get lost out of rush
2
Carli totally rubbing it in that I'd acted like I'd done someone but I hadn't and me hassling Mat with lots of good questions but getting partially friendly put downs.
3 June
Watching a movie about the neuroscience and what was important was the 15 times per minutes blood flow from the previous part. It was like a movie I'd already seen before. Sylvia was playing my sister, except she was blond and big blue eyed, cute, was my step sister. I (but I was seeing this part like third person) get to the school and have to fight with the 4 people gang. I know it was going to be a win though, so no harm there except maybe feeling the pain at some points. Could see one of the more sensitive thugs (3 ninjas) that were going to ask my sis out. I go out to van and get a box that I will place at her locker that I took from there that morning. I'm a bit of a rebel too but cringed when I saw him looking at the remote. One of the buttons was 'clean my whole house', a joke that now that I think about it reminds me of the clicker movie.
7
Blond teammate being cooler than me. No talking! Then hanging out w/ girls and compassion
11
Seeing superman flying, remember that I have then do a little bit with a lot of trying. I remember the feeling intensely. Visited an apartment that day, and on my way out I felt good and remembered the feeling of remembering how to fly a lot and tried.
16 June
Watching a movie about Aliens and bringing them back to earth with Teri Hatcher that starts out in the country. I start it over for D and snuggle with him to watch him giving him unrequited (he's too young to reciprocate) love even though I'm super stressed about some impending deadline
22
Movie w/ Willis spacefarer returns to Mars (which is now populated and a busy place) from the outer reaches to make things right. Gets caught in a standoff, gets out of it but they have the girl. He drops his gun just as the girl rearranges the guns to point at her captors. (I've seen this movie before so I'm not worried that he'll win out). Not right then? The girl is disappointed.
l2R RPG4 joining a party against the female fighter of that party.(Don't remember more than these handwritten notes).
Hatteras. The B's return to Hatteras often and although I've sort of become friends with them again they don't invite me. Sandwich making? I see M at the comp and W laying down (in headach position).
23
Dreams about S. Going with N on runs each in our vans. As we leave an adjacent building (the backside of a restaurant) S had escorted us out (and we thought that was the last of him), he pops his head out of a chimney to say hi (and potentially that he'd been hearing what we'd been saying). I'm happy with what we'd been saying so that's okay. I kind of want to see how he got up there, though. Before that being in an ep of Lost, I'd seen spoilers (for MI:3) that said there'd be electric eels. S volunteers to go, but he discovers the eels.
24
Hanging out with Dan, in his car. Meet the couple from work and they think Dan is cool. Dan fixes a problem with his car and we get back in it, which upsets me (because we'd been walking until then which put us on more level ground). Driving pretty fast though which was fun. Then ditch him and lose him, even though I thought I could go faster alone. See Meth and the tripDoctor coming off the highway at Atwater, with the doc looking cool wooing Meth. Luckily meth still likes me and asks me what's up. I join them at 4250 St-Ambroise at Maf's apartment #312, thinking I'll be able to rest soon. I got in through my weasel ways. They (I) get a call for a delivery (small money to be made, but it's a start and soon) for some crack. He sounds middle aged and says he's in apartment 19. It's the same building? Doesn't even cross my mind. I go do it, and get it again (even though the sales office is not yet turned off the lights.. Security). As we are now outside on the picnic table. I'm happy to be the one doing the delivery as I'll handle the money. I get to apartment 19 and knock _very_ softly on the door, wait a small to average amount of time then turn back and return. I'm starting to get paranoid that this is a setup/sting. Halfway back (outside) I decide I'll go do it (I'm having doubts like it's not right building) and start going back.
Sleeping while Sarah shows the apartment. Hanging out with Sarah, she's going to show the apartment. I decide to go in my bed right before they get there. Sarah is hot like Nik. The couple sees the place, if I impress Sarah we might _change_. They are seeing the place and it's difficult to impress her as impressing the guys is difficult while in bed. the guy says it's a nice desk, and I go overboard explaining the 3 pieces (even though none of the desk comes with the apartment). She's ready to change (morphs into crack dream above) but I'm reluctant as I haven't even taken a shower yet (why I ditch them).

Sometimes when I'm writing my dreams down I get the feeling I shouldn't. I'm still very groggy and I might be waking spontaneously so it might be the sloth talking. It's been evident for a while though. Last year as I woke and recorded a pretty mundane dream I got the feeling a specific person I had just talked to the night before (and who is also cooler than I am) was telling me she thought doing this was dumb. I ignored it though and subsequent naggings have been much quieter until this morning when I recorded a dawn dream in my usual cryptic 7 word sentence. I remembered that I hadn't been able to decipher previous dreams without further explanation though, so I proceeded to break my 7 word habit in yet another way by expounding on each word. As I did though I got the distinct feeling the girl from my dream, especially around the time I was going to talk about her, didn't want me to, claiming _this_ was 'secret'..

Take the time to talk to them but don't start talking without their attention. It'll hurt you, your confidence and your words won't or will but you aren't putting the thinking in the time.. You have to keep going, you know? After a while it won't get better and
That can't stop interrupting them until it's done. It's not because it's wrong or ill-intentioned that it can't be helped. You're better than the rest and so it has to be. It's only half-alone. And with more sense on it's way, sure you want to reach more..

28/12
Running from possible cops after climbing the Selby hill and indulging in the often remarked offerings. More like symbols and decoration than actual substance I thought, but upon closer inspection I find substantial amounts in some 3. Take it and start walking fast as the paranoia starts creeping up. (Insert fancy word here for cross) Through the underpass into westmount, turn left immediately as I think it will be less populated than the areas I know. Hit brush, keep going, behind tennis courts people can see, keep going. Finally I hit large residential backyards and a little path in their back I lounge. Someone is cleaning or something with large boxes strewn along the path and I fear they'll want to know what I'm doing if I cross them so I don't go. Luckily their sense of authority prevails soon enough and they are distracted telling practicing people to do it right. I take the chance and run through the boxes into the path, and go up it until I feel I'm past him, possibly without being detected (he doesn't want to go on the path).
Reach the end of the path and am a little worried. I crawl under the fence at the end and am at a super fancy dinner, which is titled 'Chinese theme'. I think I might try and pass as one of them but the Chineses aspect of this particular backyard is the worst possible one. I double back soon enough and go into the next to last one. Noone has arrived yet, so I have no problem fitting in. It's Mexican themed, which should be easy. I hastily choose a table so that look supposed to be here but unfortunately it only has place for one guest and that won't fit my entire family. I'm given 'Sopa de queso' and understand everything easily enough. Nevertheless, blending in requires conformity to my characters and my translator is called in. He doesn't fill up the guest seat and sits to my left. I begin eating and none of my family is joining me. I have a pet tiger who goes and bothers other patrons at a further table. I call to him but am embarrassed my his name, "BASHo". The translator is telling me not to worry. It's the end of the meal and I'd like to remember many people have joined me although they don't seem too friendly. My pet tiger is nice and likes being pet but I'm still a little afraid he'll try and bite. Returning the hotel I'm not even supposed to be at with M, something about E.
The next morning, visiting K at her house, getting her to come to mine, there's nothing to be done for her fascination with M. Her attention is fully centered on getting to know him and I feel a little left out. In the final scene, outside in my yard as I didn't get changed fast enough to make it into the pool at the same time as them M is making waves and calling them a shield. She likes it and calls him on how they could possibly be a shield. Their english challenge cats vis-a-vis their relationship to me are very compatible. I drop a glass and am madder that it's slowing me down even more. Mom putting up clothes on the clotheline thinks that this was her relationship to W, which is a pretty bad nightmare.
In the St-Augustin-like country getting stuck on a steep hill in the middle of summer because I didn't want to rev up the motor and use gas that much. Hitting math Prof. Paul Koosis' house. It was a good thing I didn't go up that hill 'cause any gas would have been a waste since the house was at the bottom of the hill. In any case, about to jump the fence and check out his backyard when I notice a pretty huge shag dog sleeping further down the yard, surrounded by animals. It's a big as a bear and I'm only glad I didn't wake it up since I don't think it would have hesitated to break right through the low wood gate.
The other house has cows and is actually Marisa's (or at least her doing) and in Mexico or the caribbean (as in nearby) as it's clear I'm vacationing with my family. The floors are pure dirty with baby/pet puke or lots of dirt from shoes, etc. everywhere. She thinks she'll have to clean it from head to toe tomorrow, and I offer to help. I add a little extra 'should'-talk, "..'Course we'll have to take off our shoes", which completely turns her off..
With M and G again, they say they are going to K's and all I want is still for her to like me better. I make it my plan to beat them to her place and do so. She's still sleeping and not very happy to see me. They'd called her so she was expecting it at least. Getting stuff, all of it and not going in or even having her see them as last time when he led the way in and I had followed and gone on the bed.
Final one seeing a commercial where a little kid races an older bully (the actor is way too old) out a subway station, and wins even though he took the stair 'cause he ate cinnamon toast crunch eggos. I go upstairs to the agency and want a shot at being the older bully. They will shoot it in another 30 minutes. Leaving the station a little behind the kid, see him ignore a passing talker who asks if I have a script for him. Go far, in Quebec parliament hill, all the cast and crew are scattered about. See one hot girl beside her van talking to some dimmer. I want to cut in as I know what she means long before him, but I might not win a direct challenge (due to history?). Throw some litter on the floor, about to talk as she's returned from the bathroom before him. Guilt about littering takes precedence, though and I pick it up (ew) and go to the trash one block away. Think he'll be back before I return, didn't even think how dirty my hands would be from picking it up. If only I hadn't dropped it in the first place! Chance with the girl compromised by dirt, hope he's not back.

First begins at my father's while he's gone to TO for the holidays. In a room with a fence, dirty though. Find pictures of something, before in the A/W studio. He catches me and isn't so mad. He actually suggests I go to his study and look through something else. When I get there it's so that he can look at media coverage of 'what's going on in Mais.'. I tell him what I know anyway. I don't find the stuff I could look for until later, something about fat making. Looking through it the scenery changes until I'm talking to Anna by I.M.. She doesn't ID herself but only sends a shirt from Poland's soccer team. Chatting with her I ask her about something only she would know because 'I want to make sure it's her'.
In a house party with strange interlocking flimsy staircases, with N and M. A party, being cool going to the top. Owning the place but not knowing anyone. Try to talk to N in front of people but rejected. M has an emotional problem and help. Morphs into the Alias Wavefront Eigenfaces foce simulator, where you take a picture of your face, pay over 35$ and get a booklet instructing how to make a madel your face specifically. N does it successfully and it seems to be worth it to him. M goes to do it and I suggest he takes a picture with his shoulders. He gets totally rejected, however, because the proportions make him look fat. He gets super sad at that though, and is less worried about the money I apologize for wasting. The house has many stories filled with people.
When the party ends cops have busted it and are taking the building apart or just supervising not having busted. Anna is a cop. I have a last thing to tell her but I have a bad feeling but I tell her anyway. She doesn't answer, she was asian and had a sideburn. Mom asks about zap2it. Going up to her only made me see how liked she was by the mean around her. Getting scared of a bird and thinking it was Uzi someone shot it for her. Luckily didn't kill only took off it's wing. It was a pink pigeon. In the store it can fly with S's idea about winglet made of water.

Third the native american and the end of the world. First my place playing with the lady downstair's clothesline and getting caught by her brother, trying to play it cool. Look over the neighbors are who they are, a naked biker. Then have my own clothesline, which is when M shows up. Then eat a strawberry offered by Mi, even though Dad refused it. I comment, "Strawberries from Kyoto? Japan?" which surprises her more than I expected. Later, during M and I's free time we meet Native Americans. The chief father figure explains that they want to preserve their culture and people. This is why the child (we may have met) is being isolated. They used to just periodically kill an animal, strip it's meat and leave it for him to eat, but this time it seems he was old enough to kill his own meat so returned the meat to them. They weren't expecting this act of initiative on his part so they were unprepared for his venturing into the world. They explained that they couldn't have him coming into the (warm southern modern) world because then they would have to teach him about money, etc. that he has to learn about on his own. For the same reason, they don't want to return him to his reserve themselves. So we return him and I remark that this child is alone all the time, he is so lucky. I catch myself sounding like a loser to M and say, "Well, not all the time.." and he replies, "Usually" which is a lot better than I expected and can only bargain less and say accept, "That's.. right." So we put the child in his igloo, he's dressed in a blue with red shoulder pads lacoste winter jacket I used to wear and, I later remark, a lacoste hat as well. I take the other hand of the view I espoused earlier, it's so desolate here there isn't much to do. I have trouble putting my contradiction into words, though, I don't need to compromise and my pride doesn't want me to. I would be loser to philosophize so fiercely about something so unimportant. Finally we leave and part ways. I notice two lanky middle aged long hair dark asians except they're native too, sorcerers. They are plotting to kill the child. I find out they wish to fulfill a prophecy that states that if they kill all the natives the world will end. I race them, changing into a giant puma and then an eagle. There is no way to be better than them, though. I go to the head guy's house, who is Manny. He shows me out when I ask him for a passcode for his building and he's rich and can have security escort me out if I don't comply. I return again, and again until I the only way I can stay longer is tell him to argue his case for killing the boy, if it's sound I'll only want to join him, right? He reluctantly agrees, I go out on the balcony, soo trash bags, return inside, M is there, I make my point more than I have to and say, "Prove it!" and he seems to grow. M and Ma go outside on the balcony and argue. Ma tries to push M off, totally doesn't work, M is feeling Ma's back and says he doesn't have a lot of muscle, they armlock and M is like, "Ma.." and hits on his arm after his elbow which knocks Ma to the floor. Ma is resilient though and hangs on dragging M to the floor and they struggle. I threaten to kick them apart. I feel relatively in control, like I could walk away with the kid now. He may be brainwashed by the sorcerers, but I know time away from them will break their spell.

Ouch! So much for the *pinch me, I think I'm dreaming!* theory, two nights ago I distinctly remember feeling pain in my dream. I had a really vivid quasi-lucid (pre-programmed) dream. By pre-programmed I just mean that I'd gotten up about two hours early (missing about 4 for full sleep) and I went back to sleep after realizing what time it was. Drifting off, the fantasies I usually indulge in somehow made their way into my dream, in a way that will become apparent.
In any case, I soon found myself in a pretty strange situation, specifically that I was in a stranger's house after having walked them home (they were drunk) and about to leave the kid brother says, "Watch out for the wolves, they come out around this time." It wasn't even dark yet or anything so I wasn't really worried, but I looked out the windowpane in case and saw what I could believe were animal tracks leading down.
I put on my shoes and go outside, but waited too long and the wolves start running down from the hills purposefully. As soon as they turn the corner I decide to try to make a run for it (without even warning the parents that I saw them). I barely clear the doorstep before a wolf sees me and starts running after me. I try to run but it's no use and he jumps into contact teeth first with by gut. I feel blinding pain and black out as it gets worse than I can imagine (exactly that much pain, I suppose).
Here's where the lucid part comes in: I was able to start over from any point in my dream, losing only certainty on the level of what had happened earlier (if that makes sense). This time I try to run up the hill but again they get me. I can see trying over and over again when the father comes over. I tell him about the dream I'm having and he thinks I'm complaining. "I need a gun," I tell him.
Incidentally, I ended up deciding to go without food that evening (a stubborn capricious decision) and only realized later that the hunger pangs I'd felt because of that corresponded to where the wolf bit me.

Patterns and always having to look on the bright side. On the one hand you can be shizophrenic and get all this confidence because it's like, "Oh, I've been here before" and you can be all smug about what's going to happen.
On the other hand, you always have to either break yourself away from that faith at some point and tell yourself, "No, I've learnt from my mistakes and have improved" in which case you lose consistency with the pattern you were matching with in the first place, or you have to compromise and look further ahead, getting all caught up too.
Oh, the realizations

26
Living alone in my regular place when neighbor David suddenly moves out, leaving me the whole, albeit not that great, apartment next door, much in the fashion of Kate's leaving last summer. I don't dare go into it much at first (since I don't know if or when he'll be back, not te mention how little I know him to begin with) even though I want to when captivated by Mont-Ste-Anne in the summer and want to get continue the angle from his windows. I end up going on some mundane reflex and having crossed the line try and look but end up with a patio view of the neighbors. Shortly thereafter, my brother arrives smiling and refers to some proposition he now agrees to about him living with me I no longer remember. I am less than overjoyed since not only do I no longer have roommates, but the neighbor's place was now mine (much in the fashion of squatter's rights).
Anyway, now he's not only implying that he's grudgingly accepted my offer to move in, but that he doesn't think it would be too much to ask to have me outline the terms in paper and sign it for him. I sigh but know we'll work this out, even if it's just him living next door. In any case, there isn't much time to show off my place before we are invaded with old fiends of the older Soto/Brendan persuasion. While I don't like them, I think they think they aren't smart enough to try and atangonize me so I continue showing off my apartment to them, while Fel goes down to the basement to make a wash. After some kind of trying to get them out or turning of my attention from and back to them, they say, "Sorry about this," implying they didn't have a choice, and spray me with a super soaker. I don't understand but see the act of hostility as a complete act of war on their part and know I can't take them all physically. I don't understand the super soaker until they try to throw a match at me which I dodge and run out of the apartment, which blows up behind me. I run down to the basement as fast as I can, tell my brother they're trying to kill us and tell him I'll meet him at the back door, which is right there. I keep running until I'm outside and relatively safe with the crowd and cops. I watch people coming out waiting for my brother who neven does, not evet after the large group. I see the terrorists have a a larger perimeter and have to escape to the zocalo across the street, where I mingle and continue watching.
Later, I'm sleeping on the couch in a _much_ nicer apartment, but waking up from the previous dream or remembering it as a memory or not even just waking up from restless sleep while not being able to get the experience out of my head since in dream time it just happened. Needless to say I'm quite scared and unable to really feel at home, even though there's so much I might even just take and run away with it. The place is so nice it might be worth defending I begin thinking as I see more of it. The bed appears undone as if I've just slept in it. Finally I get to the balcony, which overlooks a white beach with turquoise waters. It's fall but people are swimming, and I immediately want to go. I don't want to go out the front because I'm so scared, so I don't want to go out at all, but then I soo baby panthers playing in the water, apparently there to be played with, which just makes me want to go more. Start looking for a way to climb down from my balcony, which is annoying since it would break but I really want to go down without taking my eyes off it.

Retrospective feelings: Too scared to see my brother's safety through. Again with the Cain&Abel theme. Too fearful for my self in the new apartment to remember my brother. Sad because actions live longer than posessions. I mean, I no longer have the cool apartment to play with, but I want another chance to change how I would act if responsible for my brother.

09
Running away from zombies or something again. With Matt from work and Flor who was his girl. Had to run down about 17 flights of turning stairs. In the industrial sector of the Des Seigneurs bridge. When finally got outside, I was leading followed by M. F trips, Matt doesn't pick her up even though I tell him to, I stop and get her even though I get a bad feeling about if it means I'm going to get caught.
10
Prom with Deb only she was picking me up and I was late and hungry so I had bro tell me I could have the cake which 'wasn't that good' but I knew only needed water. I liquified it and drank it since I didn't have time.
14
One from a couple of days ago when I'm getting too cool to write these down, where some normal stuff happened then ended up having to walk inte the super far underground parking where you paid for your place by helping dig it deeper, in a neverending vicious cycle.
Tonight's at a holiday Inn planning on staying a few nights, meeting this girl whe already knew me and I unfortunately later found out, Jimmy. They had holodecks, she lived there, was a little less than ok. Mascha at the end. Had to leave, had her stuff as an excuse to see her even though I think her mom saw us, which was bad. Later with guy friends, kept thinking about the girl.

30/06
First, myself living with the couple Mat & Nat. I was failing out of McGill while crushing on an unseen girl. My relationship with Mat was definitely at the silent treatment stage, although he just seemed to want peace and quiet. Nat being over, they spent most of their time hidden. When Mat and I spoke, I was told about his concert, and some partying. Deep down, I was happy he was being foolhardy even though I had no idea if it was affecting his grades. I was secretly happy at the mere possibility that he was going to come down to my level.
Second, back home while mother's away for the evening. Claudia's making a huge honestly unprovoked crisis and generally being spoiled. I feel I give in and up to some degree in my belief that I need sleep and the fact that a girl I'm crushing on, Aly, is being over. We retire to separate beds and with all the ambiguous feelings towards a relationship where I have no idea what making a move would cause. Probably nothing special. Next morning, I find Dan sleeping in front of the computer who's almost dead, poor kid was too scared of his sister to sleep upstairs. I tell on my sister. As things wake up, my world consists of three people: (Mom and the young'ins are presumably out of the picture) My brother and Pam, his girlfriend, and Aly, who seems to be with them. My brother feels all important ever since my fall, and his girl potentiates that at least a little. The night before I was accused by my sister of chewing pot leaves, which I dismissed as ridiculous, possibly the reason for her crisis. This morning, probably because my sister told him, my brother makes the same accusation. The only difference is that his word holds a lot more weight than my sister's and even more so ever since my fall. My mother would believe him simply because he's contradicting me, not to mention pot being central to my fall. I feel it would be grossly cost inefficient to try and convince my mother beyond a doubt that I truly have no attraction to cannabis. The truth is I have come to accept that there is a cognitive deficit, albeit reversible, associated with it's _use_, and cognitive ability is first and foremost one of my most important priorities. Therefore, it would be contradictory to my nature to still want pot after I've come to accept it's 'blunting' effect. My mother's image of me, however, is, in practice, very difficult to change.

27
Bad one. Some kind of prom with Brendan and people from work thrown in. Kept being aloof and missing F. Everyone is leaving but at last minute Sharon tells me she has a room so we can go too. Finding is hard but I'm attracted to the idea of sex, since it's better than no sex. The hotel clerk recognizes me when he reads a different name as mine on the reservation. Am I to pay for the room? Getting to the room fills with a lot of others, including Manny, who I may have inadvertedly led to believe I was going to sleep with. He matter-of-factly tells me we're going to fool around, and I'm embarrassed since I've agreed to follow him even though B, his family and who I'd think were my peers are straight. I lose him by going faster and eventually sleep in a random bed. In retrospect, the feeling of being less than these is like the 13th's dream, but with the roles reversed. I guess you somehow have a way of telling if you're retarded.

Alien invasion. Slugs with a conscience. Their superiority complex was justified by their overcoming of overpopulation or single best place. Surrounding us, gradually thinning out our numbers without any seeming engagement. When we reached a critically low number, I made a break for it. Their overconfidence wouldn't allow them to run, so I lost them by the time I reached the car lot. Broke a car window even though it would attract attention. Unable to hotwire, trying most of the red-other color wire combinations. Tried again in a convertible Audi, but while it was more user-friendly, it also seemed more tamper-proof. Making compromises but not succeeding, even in company of ML. Wake up right before trying the PA zebra. After staying up long enough to blaming ML for his inability, return to the dream with the case that he should know. He remembers and goes for it but I only keep up with him long enough to see he uses special keys. He gets it alright, but takes a girl in a two seater and leaves me with wasted time.
The aliens are marching closer, and the cars are getting sparser.

Two. First in a third person rpg like nWn, only playing with a girl. Had to get to the last monster without being caught by 'Cain' and his (zombies?) Had defeated the last boss by myself before, but the girl was lagging. I made it to the place where the scene would change and 'Cain' wouldn't be able to catch us anymore. I was on top of the building, a relatively safer place, and using binocular vision to see if the girl was on her way. I saw the usual NPCs milling about, and Anna was on her way there, but where was Ying-Tzu?
One other, at a very important and influential english business man's house where I would normally definitely be trying to make a good impression, but since I was attracted to A-Anne, she was the only one I seemed to be trying to please, even when she outright contradicted the owner's will. Talking to her instead of him and ignoring his attempts to talk to me, even though I knew that I would be alone with her for the rest of the night or whatever and that I would probably not get a chance to make this impression on the man again. Kept trying to finish story about a GameBoy game, but she was only interested in Tommy White who was actually playing it (and listening to me, but she kept interrupting with gameplay comments.)

27
Bad one. Some kind of prom with Brendan and people from work thrown in. Kept being aloof and missing F. Everyone is leaving but at last minute Sharon tells me she has a room so we can go too. Finding is hard but I'm attracted to the idea of sex, since it's better than no sex. The hotel clerk recognizes me when he reads a different name as mine on the reservation. Am I to pay for the room? Getting to the room fills with a lot of others, including Manny, who I may have inadvertedly led to believe I was going to sleep with. He matter-of-factly tells me we're going to fool around, and I'm embarrassed since I've agreed to follow him even though B, his family and who I'd think were my peers are straight. I lose him by going faster and eventually sleep in a random bed. In retrospect, the feeling of being less than these is like the 13th's dream, but with the roles reversed. I guess you somehow have a way of telling if you're retarded.

13
Dreamt that Manny was a customer, but kind of retarded. I was driving him home, but halfway there I noticed he was being highly critical of my driving, and his lack of social intelligence might just allow him to report his feelings to my boss. Had to ditch the van and continue on foot in the suburbs near St-Vincent's. Ran into trouble when bullies started chasing us, ond Manny wouldn't run. When they caught us because of him, his true intention was taken as a joke and they thought they'd call his bluff and make us all go 'for a round.'
Before that, in a hospital before entering Cegep, going for a required exam. Go to high and return to the floor where mom is finding the place faster. The waiting line is long and the doctor is trying te be cool. Finding out that it's just any physical, we decide to go to a doc I've been to before. Before leaving, mom sees that my charts are just there for the taking and we take them. She says te condition for taking them is that we ration them, like she'll read a little to me every now and again.
The test was a physical pain limit test, where the doc would cut my foot off until I couldn't take anymore. Looking at the chart, there was the first section '1-9', then the second section "Want to make a commitment (and presumably jump straight to that intensity)?" '10-19' and then the rest, with the numbers turning into stuff like 'clarity' at around 40.

25/07
Super sad that I had to ditch the PA van in front of KC's house, which he'd shown me earlier that dream: It was a duplex-condo, like 2379 Duvernay but in a much hillier neighbourhood, definitely QC. I think it was the the Fontenay neighbourhood farthest from my place, but had overtones of Soto's Chemin Ste-Foy place. His place was nice but I declined his invitation/follow-through with the plan in my usual 'don't-want-to-accept-anything-from-anyone' attitude. He went in, and he seemed to watch a movie. I had to ditch t he van out of fear after something terrible happened to it, like it being stripped for parts (ie, the tires.) Ran around the backyards trying to get away from the situation ASAP, but kept running into people. I kept my best air of belonging but deep down I was scared and sad/disappointed in myself for lettincg it come to this.
The life of a cat. Sad, unwanted and alone. Fiercely efficient but only one.
After seeing the cats outside my window, I dreamt that I was part of a team of cats that was storming the fortress of an evil mummy. I could fly and had to go back to change weapons which seemed effective in the end. The sad ending was failure or disappointment.
Midday dream about extracting DMT, just enough for one hit, from a little of my MHRB. Poured it into a smoking position but woke up before I did. Felt like I wasted.

Of course, there are many theories as to why we dream. Science is hard pressed to actually explain the rapid eye movements associated with them, though. First I believed it was simply a by-product, a reflexive action that our brains would eventually learn to correct, if only for the sake of efficiency and not wasting energy.
I was giving this some thought last night, though, and I remembered readnig in some Psych texts that you can tell if someone is lying if they look at their upper right visual field before answering, since that (in theory) meant they were accessing their right brain (the creative) to make up a lie.
In this light, I suppose the flitting eye movements are probably not due to to looking or processing information faster than waking but to accessing different parts of the brain as fast as waking while letting the eyes follow their default action since they are not being used for sight.

REM sleep
Has anyone figured out the purpose of rapid eye movement during sleep? Certainly, it's an indicator of dreaming, but why the darting eyes? Are we actually looking at the back of our eyelids? Probably not. More likely, our visual cortex is being stimulated by what we 'see' in our dreams and flickering eye movements are a by-product of the action of shifting our visual fields in our mind's eye (whew..) Sort of like some of the movements we might make in deep sleep. So why are they so fast? I mean, it is called rapid eye movement. Are we seeing things at an accelerated pace? Do we then process, make decisions and likewise think faster in deep sleep? Is this a primordial way of thinking, where a split second meant the difference between life and death?

Shamanism and occult insight
It's interesting to note that any real insight or relationship with a visionary plant is realized mostly through habit. That is, one must forsake novelty and build a routine surrounding this plant to reap any of the benefits (which are, paradoxically, novel ideas.) Makes one think about nomadism and sedentary lifestyles, and how that applies to contemporary culture.

What's wrong with consensual reality:
1.) The environment. Is climate change a reality? 'Course I wouldn't mind if everyone would stop driving, either..
2.) The drug war. I'm told that the rehab costs are the reason behind outlawing mind-altering substances. There would probably be less crime if there was a 'no shoes, no shirt, no service' rule to buying drugs.
3.) Poverty. Financial, physical and spiritual. Children die everyday.

Catharsis.
It took me a while to find a summer job after that, I must have gone to at least 15 interviews that were either referred or related to school. After a certain waiting period, my mother's worries that I wasn't going to find a job and her remark that the local variety shop was looking for a clerk (which I know about of course, but I considered beneath me) finally made me apply, and get the variety shop clerk job. It was a pretty unmotivating job, but I was looking forward to the school year. To my dismay (I sort of saw it coming as the position I occupied was highly replaceable) they told me I didn't do it for them after two weeks (which coincided with the guy I was replacing returning from his vacation.) Through some great (my most fortunate one to date) synchronicity, I found a job, and started working even before I would have started the next work week at my old job. It paid more than any of my old jobs and was very enjoyable. I kept it during the school year.

On the subject of passions. They consume, bring forth wards and images I find revolting. I frustrate and furrow my brow visibly when I perceive these thoughts. It's all I can do to change the subject, change my mind, say "NO!" According to BOtHBB, these passions are associated with the left-hand path, practically meaning they are evil. Amongst other things associated with the left-hand path is the use of mind-altering entheogens. I've read about these passions long before I could feel them, and I was always taught they should be abandoned or discarded. This was much easier to accept than that quieting the mind's voice was zen. Now, I think these passions have some use, especially if one includes the lesser passions such as eating or lusting.

Electric charge inherent in this body. Source of the physical unease. Reminescent of a quest.
Feeling better now (palindrome of won. Now that I've won?) No longer prominently feeling like I'm hosting an exceptional.
No American breakfast cereal or gaming console.
The whole sweater and body heat theory.
LITE. My window is small these days.. Almost too small to quid. Anxious to smoke a negative parallel to the past?
I saw myself at work rising above everything, being over 50 feet tall. A huge balloon, it seemed, since I was seeing myself. Then div was there, facing me from the south. I was a little disappointed there was someone as big as I was so close.
I was asked what animal I was worshipping, and that I couldn't be my pet cat 'cause he was too far. In my neighborhood, the cats were under strict lock and key (a little too much like dogs) and
nowhere was this more apparent (ok, not that much, wanted to use that phrase) than downstairs. Nothing but squirrels, pigeons and other critter were masterless and available for worship. I longed for the Peregrine from my dreams. I knew he was around. What if this contemporary paganism was another one of these 'closely guarded secrets'? Like the McGill Lion, only they had a live one hiddensomewhere. Deep underground, beneath the Arts building, the old male flicked his tail in his PRISON, only purpose to be personified by student payers. It used to be whoever assumed his spirit the best would achieve the best marks and standing, usually as a side-effect. Nowadays, however, his interest is waning..
Feel full guilt at taping t.v. shows. As in it's 'not cool'.
My ideal life would be living as on artist, in a super clean studio apartment. That's a little unrealistic, however, and I'm studying to become a physician, with a house and wilderness. Back to one, I'd have a super nice fridge with very little, super good bottled water. It would be white, minimalist and high-ceilinged. Large windows would let in a lot of light, with the skyline at my feet. Nice plants, a pitch black grow and meditation room where I would grow rare flowers as well as journey during the plants' night cycle. Super nice computer set-up would be in one of the windowed living rooms, with a tv, couch and coffee table (the usual). Bedroom would be empty except for the bed, and would adjourn into the bathroom (dressing in between). Ahh.. Fantasizing is such a reward. Must read: The Evolutionary Mind by Sheldrake et al. The Hip on Live 8.

Cat some point during the night, possibly because I tried to sleep 12 hours. Realized that I was dreaming at another point, but suspension of disbelief/fighting wakefulness was difficult. Realization came when I refused to believe the nightmare. I opened one door to be greeted by a laughing audience. Unfocused vision. Flew around for a while, but disbelief was turning it into a run. Final waking dream, barbarian from the middle ages in our time fighting a corp. who might have travelled to his time for an artifact and brought him back accidentally. After winning, feast in his time, I was the barbarian at better times, but unfortunately identified with the second good guy from present having returned, weaker and always worrying (albeit justifiably at the end with the helis.) Although the better was obviously the barbarian king who found the banana cache and 'called' the huge first room (with the girl.) Final theme song, "All my life."

Word associations:
And: An' -> N -> Not. Meaning the opposite of the following.

In the city, a car is more important than a tv.
Different tribes. The people I work with form a relatively stable community. The more people change, the more it stays the same. Hiring a new person like adding a drop of water to the pond.
In any case, along comes this hunter from another tribe, thinking she can blend in. The sedentary style seems to pose no threat to her passing.
I have the eyes of a bug, a bee maybe. Noticed after I saw the albeit nice jaw structure. I could see wolf, but hard time seeing cat.
Tremendous regret that I should have slept an hour ago. Sleeping now would probably not be worth it. Health effects. Sleeping the whole night will probably be better.
Copyrights are granted to the authors stating that only they may copy their stories.

Word associations:

Me: fear
Have: to "halve" something, from which all other double entendres stem. Double meanings to every word. Double meaning it's nearest synonym.
Sure: Shhh-ure, be quiet.
Here: Hear, listen.
Meat: meet

Beta: Like: I Ke, I Care

How to have what you want: A guide to choosing the sex of your child
Let me begin by saying that this content is biased towards selecting for a male. I don't know that this is the case with all people, as I've had this conversation with a male friend sometime ago and he expressed the opposite desire, where he wanted to have 'daddy's little girl'.
In any case, a lot more evidence (under the form of studies) points to women as a determining factor, which is unfortunate as controlling certain aspects of my own life seemed lot less cold and calculated than, say, 'selecting' a mate based on the likelihood of the offspring's gender.
That being said, optimistic women ar more likely to have sons. Their expectation of how long they think they are going to live, or their perceived level of comfort and luxury is positively correlated with having sons, because having a son is more of an investment than having a daughter. For the same reason, I expect, mothers in stable relationships more likely to have boys, while single mothers are more likely to have daughters.

A romantic fairy tale life...
I'm fairly confident that I'll achieve everything I set out to accomplish, essentially keeping a realistic perspective on my goals.
I plan now and am rewarded above and beyond my expectations, but I don't aim low. I can work to keep my standards on the rise.
I'm pleased with my identity!

Health update: Evening fasts work! I used to have annoying NC, and now I sleep like a baby. Whey is being good, better quality shows. So with evening fasting, I'll usually stop eating around 3.
For more information about evening fasting, visit:Gregg Aveddon.com.

I think it would be fun to write with both hands. For any of you thinking about converting, I recommend this article-especially if you like scary stories. (I think they're just jealous :)).
That and Dvorak should keep me busy...

I'm thankful for a well-paying part-time job, for a great apartment, and for the chance to do well in school. Sorry I haven't written in so long.. Now I have to study!

Well, so far the first half of the semester has been way below expectations. I'm thankful for my easy part-time source of income, for a great apartment and for my health.

So last night I was at the Officer's ball, with only my advisee wearing formal attire. 'Cuz told me the girl by the door was interested in 'communicating' with my dad. I regretted a little being so immediate and upfront about it with him, though, since he practically raced over there and abandoned any possible mystery he might have had. Although his fluency in Italian impressed me, I could see it didn't outweigh the desperation he'd shown to my cousin et al.

It was a much more southern style campus, fraught with catholic architecture. There were two specific houses I knew like the back of my hand, one which sported the round window clocktower effect. It felt like home, but home right before a grown-up party full of people I didn't know. Some kind of banquet was going to take place, for my classmates and I. I got caught playing around with the chocolate dollars, and tried to claim I'd been eating them. I was told that "One would be good for me, but.." So I reluctantly had one even though I didn't even want it. I had a partner, but it didn't do me much good as 7:30 rolled around and the name-calling was about to begin. I hadn't checked my watch yet but I had a sinking feeling. I couldn't last past 7:30, I thought, and when I saw 7:40 I was crestfallen. I'd called out for the sake of brevity, but the wrap-up was going to be excruciating nonetheless. I closed my eyes and reached out to whoever was in front of me. It could have been a lot worse, I found out, when I opened my eyes and saw she still had her eyes closed and was smiling. It broke up quite abruptly and I managed to make my way to the table, embarrassed as I was, trying to stop myself from shewing how much I wanted to sit beside her. I was served, but my appetite was nothing compared to earlier that day, due mostly in part to the eating of chocolate. The salad looked healthy and everything, but my mood was put off by the original name-calling (which seemed to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

1. Current situation: worried about the future. Worried that the mistakes I've made are the proof that my life won't be perfect. Worries cast doubt on everything, such as social situations, where even the relationships where I feel so confident that I border on abrasive scare me when I think of some people who I really can't tell until they blow up at me in public.

2. Alternate situation: Although this is the only life I can remember, and my beliefs preclude any undefined idea of paradise, I don't need it to be perfect. It may be a little unconfirmist, but I'm here now, and what's done is done, and I can only look to the future. I am ideal for myself.

3.

Had the scariest dream I've had in a long time last night.. Started out easy-going enough, it was the last day of some high school year, and I was saying good bye to all my classmates. Cut to watching one of my classmates in a high speed chase with another one of my classmates.

I decide to follow them, the road is bumpy but I finally arrive at some foreign yard and amphitheatre.. A few people are hanging out in a small tunnel, so I greet a classmate. Make idle chitchat, am told to go and watch a movie in progress, and insensitively end with a remark about someone else.

So I go into the apartment, very nicely decorated with modern furniture, etc. And I start having these visions. Super scary little people with no whites in their eyes, only black, with no legs and everywhere I turn there's another one.

Right now, common sense and research say similar things:

It's negative thing, in that it's the wrong answer to one of the measures of feasibility.

But it's the only handicap that increases the goal of relationships. And since that's the result which holds the greatest potential value in relationships, it becomes a positive thing for me.

I want it because I don't mind something more difficult, especially when the rewards are greater.

This is great weather for agriculture. The very hot, wet and humid climate we're having should foster a very agreeable environment for being overwhelmed by lush greenery tomorrow.

I have to clean up my room. I thought I was about to break my lone streak. That math professor's imagination would turn over in its grave if it knew how worn out my sleeve was becoming..

Liking is such a polite excuse for beating around the the dubya (strafing the issue). At extremes, the real fire clearly shines through.

Well, time for bed..

After they had been riding for a while, they reached the foothills of a massive steppe. Othello couldn't see the cloud-shrouded summit, but he hung on, determined to wear out the tigress. She threw a furtive glance at him and growled as she jumped over another gaping river chasm.

They were headed straight up in the direction of the steepest incline, and he could see the beginnings of ice forming over the rocks. As he adjusted his grip to hold on to the increasingly hot and sweaty fur more tightly, he saw steam beginning to escape from her nostrils.

As the ground began to turn white he noticed her huge claws turning red and starting to melt right through the rock hard ice. As he turned towards the direction they were headed anew, he noticed there was nowhere left to go, they were headed for a wall. Suddenly she jumped abruptly and pounced vertically upwards.

They flew a few meters into the sky directly parallel to the cliff. As they reached the peak of their climb, She dug both her front claws into the facade and pulled herself up. As he held on, her body was tense and completely stiff. He almost had to reach around her neck as she slowly freed one paw and slowly began to climb higher, scaling the cliff almost as fast as she had run.

Othello didn't dare look down, but all he could see above them was the fog of clouds covering the mountain tops. They finally seemed to reach the edge of the cliff they'd been scaling. The temperature was clearly sub arctic but the tigress' body was still steaming.


----
"Know thyself"
-Split Infinity

Her look had smoldered through all my defenses, evoking a feeling so pure it was matched only by the egoism I felt in wanting it only for myself.
I felt so naive, it had exceeded my wildest expectations. I felt as though I'd always known her and yet she was so unlike anyone I'd ever met before..

My first thought was of waking up in the middle of the night and deserting her and our fleeting dream.
He knew he would probably not only be shattering my peace with the door's ear-piercing creak, but also be forcing me to get up, since I presumably didn't have my reaching broom or that lever and pulley system.

Using Da Vinci's conservation of energy method, he gets to stay up longer.

With all that time on his hands though, he was bound to get lonely. He'd obviously forgotten the screaming fit I'd thrown at him right before since he'd so casually decided to stroll in
He was bored, did I want to watch a movie or something?

Giving in, I fed them, waking the neighbourhood..

I really have to start closing my door more often.

-----
"... that takes place in an entirely fictional town, with fictional players, and fictional clothes.."

Sure, feeling secure is important.. but too much security is boring. Where is the sense of adventure, the inspiring unpredictability? I want to feel secure in the knowledge that nothing is for sure. In the knowledge that I create my own destiny. The only thing that's for sure is that anything can happen, but only if you try. Risk takes courage, and that's what makes it beautiful.

----
"Quickly, follow the unknown.."
-The Hip

Expectations.

Those others have of me, those unlucky people have of things within and without their control and the practically indestructible ones I form immediately after making even the slightest of mistakes.

What's right isn't always the easiest thing to do. Motivated by greed but acting under the pretense of benevolence, I protested. I'll go with the flow.

Caught red-handed. Is there anything more embarrassing? I feel as though there was some kind of invisible ledger where everything was tabulated, and being caught caused a loss..

I feel the lull of routine and discipline pulling me in the correct direction, but I also know that I should be rational about my wishes and stop being a slave to what I think is right.

I started looking for that elusive needle in a haystack. I have little to no proof it isn't attached to me, but on the off chance that it might not be I'll try and face it. I feel like a dog who's chasing his own tail.

Summer is nearly in full-bloom and I still haven't accomplished any of the things I wanted to. I started eating less, banking on the knowledge that people who eat less live longer. Sure, I've given in to temptation a few times throughout the semester, but it was always on a whim and definitely a learning experience. Anyway, I think that I can learn from my mistakes.

---
'But if we don't watch commercials it's like we're stealing t.v.!'

The most motivating factor in getting me to disbelieve was the pattern that I thought I noticed.
The satisfaction I felt when I allowed it to prove my point always appeared to outweigh, albeit barely, the constant and increasingly heavy cowl it placed upon my mind. The recurrent rules it spawned seemed observably incontestable.

But I shrug it off and play through the pain. Irreparable, unforgiveable and dumb, but only mistakes. When I try to be this carefully clean, the trivial carelessness I could have taken for granted is the growing thorn in my side.

----
"Know the rules, and know when to break them"