Current Indie Playlist

Here goes the name-dropping:
-The secret Machines
-School of seven bells
-Ronski speed (not really indie, but still)
-Plusminus
And..
-Stars

Posted with LifeCast

Mental Turret's

Like I can't stop thinking obscene things. Does anyone know good meditation techniques or ways to quiet the mind?

Posted with LifeCast

Good One

Posted with LifeCast

My suggestions for improving the economy revolve around the topic of sustainability, as a lot of my ideas have for a while. I don't know why I'm so worried about where we'll be that far down the road but it seems to me that if we don't make sure every aspect of our lives is getting better, then things like the economy can really bring you down.
Basically as a means of improving local economy I would tax imports a lot more. Imports such coffee and bananas might be sorely missed, but on the other hand perhaps it would get people thinking about the people on the other end involved in the production.
Also, we might find homegrown alternatives, ultimately becoming more independent and therefore sustainable.

I am little overwhelmed with everything going on in my life (and sometimes the lack thereof), it's almost like I'm going through a mid-life crisis. The polarity between my mom and dad is nothing new, and now that I live closer to my dad and I'm trying to spend more time with him I'm losing touch with my mom a little. My dad on the other hand is very difficult to get a long with, even just trusting him is sometimes tough for my paranoia.
In my personal life too, though, I'm going through a bit of a crisis of faith. I can't really say I identify 100% with the way I was raised, and none of the mainstream other faiths call out to me as the one true one either. I really like my internet habit, but the problem with my eco-friendly, 'green' perfectionism is that it doesn't leave any room for pleasure.. In other words if I'm not making money (and that's questionable enough as it is) then the use of any resources (whether I pay for them or not) is not justified. Sigh.. I hope I figure it out one day..

Amsterdam pics!

I have to find the balance between perfectionist discipline and hedonism. I love not allowing myself any pleasure and channeling the resulting anger into work, and most of all I like the confidence that I'm doing the right thing, and that this is the best thing I could be doing for the environment and everyone.
I also like the way things were when I was a little more level headed though. I used to rewArd myself like a normal person, and I wasn't always living for tomorrow. Standards change with age I guess, and in some ways I have it pretty good no matter what I'm doing.

Invention of the week: Car and Dryer combo

I mean, cars always generate excess heat right? and the turning motion of the wheel I'm sure could easily be adapted to a dryer in the trunk..

Had a good summer so far, but now it's like all the avenues I was pursuing are splitting apart from each other and I have to choose what I want to do. Only problem is I'm still not sure which is the best course of action. I'm applying for graduate studies, but at a different school which ended up being more complicated than I thought, so I think I missed the deadline for this semester. Then I'm trying to figure out work and if I should focus on my job or try and find a better one. All the while thinking about meeting someone, and if and when I'll move..

Yesterday I listened to an episode of Podcastle titled "the cup and table" and it really got me thinking. It's about a guy who works for the bad guys but ends up alone with the Grail and a wish to make.. Now I'm sure everyone remembers thinking about whAt they would wish for if they won the lottery or whatever, but I don't know if it's thing I'm going through with grandeur scopes of religion and philosophy, but if it was just me and time stopped and part of my wish had to be bringing the world back to the way it was, I'd want a perfect memory, long life, and the ability to try everything. (Sorry if this isn't the easiest of concepts to relate.)
Now, when there's nothing else how can you think about yourself? Of course I'm tempted to be selfish, and wishing for someone's companionship is what the guy in the story does..

Dreams recently have been on the whole spectrum from so good I feel too satisfied to write them down waking up to just mediocre (feels like extra waking time) to bad ones (ants crawling everywhere, not knowing the answer to questions)

Being a sellout is usually a bad idea, and changing your tastes about popular trends, i.e. jumping on the bandwagon, is not something I find attractive. I consider myself someone who takes ideals seriously, with clear likes and dislikes.
That being said, there is something to be said for being realistic. I used to be a lot less attracted to popular culture at all.. And a lot less concerned with the environment. How much is due to the changing state of the world and globalization and how much to my coming of age it's hard to say.
I wonder how much my realistic side (which is all often seeming to knowingly say, "You should treat yourself") is at fault for my feeling of coming short of my perfectionist goal, and how much of it is I should have waited, and the moment will present itself, like it sometimes does..

My job interviews went well today, I feel bad for everyone who is helping me dream so much, my dreams these days are so bland.

Really digging the new iPod firmware. I must have signed up for at least 5 new accounts on social media nets since I got the new apps. Clowdy is pretty cool for sharing photos, for example: www.clowdy.com/u/adolflow

Feeling a little childish, like I forgot to get what I was sent on an errand to get and I don't want to face the music.
The synchronicity I had with wanting a song (Oakenfold - Zoo York) while the emusic website was down then hearing it at the end of a podcast (DJ Spyhunter - Rise and Fall) continued into weirdness with the song I just bought (Pixies - Where is my mind) playing after another podcast (Blacklight in the attic) that I was having a hard time liking, for some unknown reason. Working on my social skills, I guess I don't want to feel superior in retrospect, even though their imagination requires breaking the (unfair) rules. I feel like even trying to relate by saying I once wanted what they want is wrong because it's implying I'm better (superior) now. I'm spoiled by this great novel (Rainbow's End) I'm reading.
It's probably obvious but I'm trying to be less superior so hard 'cause its my resolution for July.

I want to use the iPhone sdk to make a small-scale RPG for the iPhone and iPod touch. Nothing like WoW, but low-RES graphics and mostly story-oriented.

My top ten podcasts available on iTunes (shamelessly written while listening to said podcasts):
- Beatport
- Escape Pod/Podcastle
- The sound culture
- Psychedelic Salon
- Psychonautica
- The Moth
- You look nice today
- Remix.Nin.com
- CBC Ideas
- Just Good Music

Reflections on the airline industry
After working for an airline for a year, I learned many interesting facts that aren't usually obvious. For example, it appears there is almost a conspiracy surrounding the attitude and intent of the major airlines. Anyone who has a frequent flyer or mileage card knows that some cards can be used with other airlines, but not all. The major airlines are divided into 2 groups: the government ones (Air Canada, Us Air, American) and the Geographical (?) ones, i.e. Northwest, Continental.

OK, because I told people to look here for more 'about me', here's a little more about me: I'm a 26 yo recent McGill grad, currently working for NW Airlines at YUL. It's not much, but there's some nice travel benefits. Social networking apps, you name it, I have it. Facebook, twitter, MSN, aim, ad nauseum.. I don't have a pic on here but I'm sure there's one somewhere below
Heh, I guess most of the rest of the posts between the really early ones (which are dream reports) and this one are personal, so I attribute the change to the "resolution of the month". On New Year's I not only made a new year's resolution but I made mini resolutions for each month. (June is "be friendly" month.)

Well I guess it's back to work for now, but the countdown is on until I can trade shifts and have at least 3 or 4 days off in a row! July 21st.. Now the question becomes where to go? I have never been overseas, so I want to visit either Asia or Europe. Europe is easier and nicer, I think, but more expensive too. The main problem with going to Asia (probably Tokyo, Taiwan or Beijing) is the language barrier. Any suggestions?

I'm experiencing a little philosophical dissonance with the undercurrent of both flight and psychonautica 38.. Matter matters, right? It's just they (and so many other spiritual, meditation, etc. sources) so strongly emphasize that the ego and/or material existence is not important. From what I can understand the universal source of "life" is what behind each one of our egos, and what these sources try to emphasize. I rebel, however, because although my ego isn't perfect, I always hoped to bring my identity with me to the stars..

Seeing as how I haven't written about dreams in a while I thought I'd update on what I've been scribbling down half-awake..
1dec: I dreamt that school had a huge (secret?) pyramid-like building which housed lions, gorillas around the basement (no cages). It's like an American city, there's a marathon going on but letting everyone else go first gets me onto the raft. 'Small field' prof tells me encouraging words.
7dec: Can't believe I dreamt only about work-related scenarios! I was working in my dreams!
10dec: Prof asking when I was going to fulfill my dream of going to medschool, letting me answer only to realize if I went it would take so long to graduate I'd be in my late 30's.
28dec: At school, no sooner had I committed to a Chinese girl that I'm already regretting looking at a blond going upstairs.
2jan: Flying after doing one last delivery for PA, taking the tip even though its 5 hrs late. So, flying down the hall, right eye is going out of focus?
11jan: "Train dream w/ R and D, train hopping after its very late, not breaking the 'rules', break door at end, like wow, lose honor.
29jan: Bringing little lions for trade acrosse desert.
1feb: Playing a star wars RPG in DTW, yes I'm in Monkey form.
18feb: Traveling to meet people in a Cape Cod cottage. It's a judge' and there is a trial taking place. I crash land somewhere and go visit them. They have a daughter my age who is nice enough and we share everything nicely. Her older sister is a hot blonde who I make out with nicely.
2apr: Dreamt that locals were asking me to pick funny looking veggie because they believed my judgement is good luck, because of a lie I regret telling?
19may: Dreamt that I was suddenly responsible for my siblings.
20may: Someone fires a gun which keeps on shooting.
7jun: Around world w/ R. Stop at train station to talk to Boss P. AMS, DXB then direct flight to anytown USA?

I expect I could well use the income from a highly successful corporate type job, the passion or lack thereof, not to mention ideological differences notwithstanding. I understand most people mean well at the start and that there is a fundamental contradiction between the noncomformist and the richER. That being said, however, clearly I can find goals that are neutral in ethics and still require $. Like space exploration, hard climate isolation and so on. I'm somewhat running in circles with the issue of ideaological association and how its supposed to be lonely at the top

Sometimes it feels like I'm walking the fine line between egocentricity and intelligent sensitivity towards silent body language. 'Course, as with most people I think I've developed quite a knack for detecting whether someone likes me or not (especially when it comes to someone from the opposite sex), but if these body language 'conversations' go on for longer than intended (possibly due to shyness on my part) then it opens up a huge gray area for interpretation. Seems like my mind wastes entirely too much time speculation on why other people act the way they do, when it would be so much simpler just to ask them! But, my ego being what it is, finds it simpler to steer any and all speculation about other's opinions of me in a firmly protective if not positive direction, removing the need for any actual ice breaking.. Resolution for the month of June: Be more social.

P.S. Them's not ads in the white on the right hand side, they're my shared items from google reader, where the other 99% of my online time goes.. ;)

Sigh, sooo satisfied.. Not sure I'm being as disciplined as I should, but once a week I go overboard: information bingeing..

Sometimes I think I might be trying too hard. I mean I go to ALL the job interviews I get. In and of itself I think that's fine, maybe I shouldn't apply for the jobs I don't want. Ok enough about what I would have twittered.. (Hint, hint.. I'm adolfonp on there)

The first thing that comes to me when I think of that number, in order:
1: The first, the best
2: Dislike this one since it reminds me of being 'second best'.. I like being the leader
3: Reminds me of "Why?"
4: Work
5: Police
6: Used to be, you know, _evil_.. Now trying to spruce up its image by changing the 'i' to an 'e'
7: Luck
8: The symbol for eternity
9: Internet
10: One shot
11: Change
12: One
14: Artificial Intelligence
15: 15 minutes of fame
17: Last
18: 7
19: My b-day!
I know, very subjective!

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something.. Since it seems like often I don't do anything when I should be doing something. People I've talked to suggest that I should get a hobby, or try to make friends.. I think they're partly right, I'm missing the social aspect of it.. I think thais not all, though, as I often like being alone. I think I'm missing something like the social aspect of being in a church.

Some notes about recently..
I see our evolution going in the direction of "augmented reality". Better perception, enhanced by creation. Being able to "see" sound waves, our mind's eye focusing into letting us draw on our FOV.
My budget is ok, I haven't had to dip into my savings but I'm worried at my laziness with respect to budgeting mirroring the major financial debt I once got into.
These days is close to "good times", although I'm sure I'm influenced by the freedom of my days off.
I'm still recording my dreams, they're interesting.
I'm not so anxious to get the iPhone, rather the software updates.
So I've been thinking about the spectrum of the forces of physics, in my attempts to fly with the power of my mind alone. Electrical force is much stronger than gravity, the only problem being that on the whole objects on the stellar scale (i.e. the earth) are neutral. What if instead of only 2 charges, positive and negative, white and black, we found a spectrum of charge? Not like the single attractive force of gravity. Maybe there's an even stronger force with more possibilities for charges.
19apr: waking up in the middle of the night cause someone being "shadow people" dropped something. Talking I can tolerate but careful!
Overall pretty happy w/ my body

My efforts to go green
This winter I began to get borderline obsessive in my efforts to save the environment. Ever since I graduated, the need for using my computer diminished, so although I found myself wanting to turn it on to check RSS and such I now limit myself to only using my computer on days when I don't work (since I can check my email anyway).

Pictures of my Hawaii trip at pages.videotron.ca/adolflow !

Started sunday after work (overtime), yqb Monday mornin', guilt, dtw easy, msp brokedown, sea late.
After hours walking home, felt bad about not calling her, swam in public Waikiki at 3 am.
Tuesday Mary took me out to breakfast then to diamond head. I went all around and came up the beach side into the army compound. Walked home that night and had cereal for a snack.
Wednesday I went to ala moana and then to the movies to stay out of the sun since I was sunburnt.
Thursday I went to sea life park and learnt just how strong the current can be when I tried to swim out to a little island.
Friday I went to the north shore, it was awesome getting thrown around by the surf. I watched another movie at night.
Saturday I went on a hike in the morning then to ala moana in the afternoon for more curry and mac nut bars. For the evening I went to a Luau.
Sunday I went to hanauma bay, it was very tropical. I saw many brightly colored fish.
Monday I went back to the north shore, specifically waimea bay. The people were cool.
Tuesday I didn't do very much in preparation for my flight home. I watched I am legend, very sad.

Lately I realized that I somehow stumbled into the role of Ford Prefect from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I acquired a satchel, and I feel like I'm using the guide when I'm using my phone or ipod. All I need now is the ability to flag down a flying saucer and I'll be all set.

Today was my day off, and I was lazy, guilty, hedonistic, went further than I have in a long time, and basically put more into question when I should have been solidifying the tried and true foundations of planning and working for my future.
I want to believe in an open minded society, but there is so little proof and when I do meet people who seem to believe, their reasons are so out of reach it is hard to want to be with them and society. I feel anti-social, and unwanted by others such as the people I meet on the bus, which I take pleasure in since I could be taking the car but I feel like the bus is 'greener'..
Things were pretty weird at some point earlier today. After I gave in to so many of my temptations and just did every even though so many details were not exactly OK, telling myself I only get one day off a week.. Except I feel like I spent more than a week's worth of work already.. So, better end this now before I let myself wallow any longer. It's done, and although I do kind of long to be with other people, I want them to want me.

Long dream where I was at a cottage yearning for attention and/or commitment from the friend but they were more interested in other friends. Interestingly the friend that the dream friend most reminded me of i.r.l. I hadn't talked to in so long and just happened to IM me out of the blue this morning. Last parts were of a smoldering forest, only recalled any after keeping myself hidden.. Shocked out of my skin by this image:

I like to think a possible heaven on earth is after I've solved the problem of finite time and resources I'll be able to create art and novelty, study the science of nature and explore the universe.
Today's thought theme was "the common goal": how other people are useful for helping and how it feels better than average being part of a joint effort. I want to opt-in to people's rules 'cause I want things that happen to erode and I am not clear on how to build bridges.
I want my thought contribution to be excellent it it's own way. I also want to be able to retreat to a place of sustainable stasis whenever and for however long...
Another common goal was the automation of child rearing. Seems that if it would be possible to build a
machine that could read thoughts or put itself in a baby's shoes after we solved the problem of infinite resources for everyone then the only thing the baby could possibly cry about would be wanting other people.

These days I wonder if it might just be me.. Seems like everything's changing.. Maybe I'm just being extra sensitive to the change. Don't get me wrong, I like change, it's just that it invariably begs the question, appealing to one's pride and ego, "How can I control this change so that I'd .."
I still want to be with you, more than so many of the the only things I can know why (?)

It's hard to believe that _I_ could be too hard on my own self, but it's like I make promises to myself, "Oh after this I will let myself buy such-and-such." Which I still think are 'guilty pleasures' when the time comes. I'm all about not giving in to temptation when I'm home, like I'm making up for past crimes all the time. It's not like any amount of work will ever satisfy the guilt, since nothing can change the past.
Ok, more concretely, should I be looking for a better job?

http://www.designboom.com/weblog/index.php
Recently it seems like the ever expanding model of the universe is a particularly fitting metaphor. Now I don't want to sound depressing but it just seems like I'm only every growing further apart from other people, when what I really want is to get closer. I'm also not being chauvinistic when I say I'm not particularly obsessed with one person, I'm not trying to be arrogant by saying all this very stereotypical to me stuff about free love and let's all love each other, relationships can be very serious, what with stds and possible heartbreaks, etc. what with coming from different cultures, etc. Going off topic a little, I had a rather iffy (like this isn't necessarily politically correct and/or might be little too costly for me) feeling from the beginning. It seems like there were more and more something, you'll have to forgive my half attention span due to watching something else.

http://ffffound.com/image/b792d0dac26ac6209e1fd262382b9389d3ddaeb0

http://ffffound.com/image/78d699fa2ca18ff51435b2bac8c282be51592c87

So I want thinking about breathing last night, seems like humans do it, plants do it, but nothing man-made (i.e. machines) do it. Plants and humans complement themselves very well by producing what each other uses, but I think most of the air is still nitrogen. So, if we could build a filter that would separate nitrogen from the air, we could have cars that run on nitrogen in much the same way they use nitro boosts for racing. Then ideally the output would be oxygen and carbon dioxide, so that everyone would be happy! ;)
Also had a nice flying dream last night, flying down the hall of someone's building after doing delivery (even though I haven't worked there in almost 6 months). I knew it was the wrong floor,and something was wrong with my eyes as I flew (my right eye was going out of focus and being crossed, causing me to steering to the left). Something about how pilots' main requirement is 20/20 vision.
Cute

I have a new website (basically migrated my cs@mcgill account) on my computer, which means I don't use a webserver, but on the other hand is only available when my computer's connected to the internet (not that often since I put it to sleep when I'm not around).

Recent dream about living in the wild, as a small tribe of folks who had guns, trying to fend for themselves in competition with and largely outnumbered by the other tribe, who was aggressive for some reason.

Almost made it, but they overtook us at the end. Listening to the Cranberries' song Zombie now, it seems particularly fitting, as I felt like it mirrored the situation I find myself in sometimes trying to make decisions not to feel desolate.

Things on my mind these days:

-Does tailgating an 18-wheeler on the highway reduce wind resistance significantly?
-When people say drugs are illegal because of money, I think they're right, but not for the reason some people are so fond of conspiring (drugs cartels are paying the govt). I think that it's because consciously or subconsciously, the wiser majority has seen that (some) illegal drugs just aren't sustainable, neither micro or macro-economically. That is, they cost more to produce than could ever be worth it to consume. In this environment, anyway. [Edit: just a theory, not sure how I like it yet, don't bite my head off.
-If I'd ever admit to being sad (big if) it would have to be because there's so much I want to do. For example, I want to do as little work as possible (or at least work on my own terms, and work on what I want, as opposed to being forced to work to sustain myself, "for a living"). Yet, there's a lot of luxury I want to experience..

Deja vu while looking up stuff I missed from class because I was surfing the web for personal interest. Its perspective was so harsh, treating me like a new freshman (I get that a lot this semester), that I blamed the prof. I've felt this way before, my first semester. Not a good memory, changing it this time..

Patterns update: Feel like I'm reliving my senior year of high school.. :(

It's weird, for the past several days, no matter how late I've gone to bed the night before, how upside down my sleep schedule has been, and most peculiarly, no matter how long I wish to toss and turn in the morning, every single time I get up to check the time on my watch (I know, no alarm clock is an annoying trailing habit I should break.. just find me a suitable one)..

Right so anyway, every day for the past several days when I've gone to check the time it's been exactly 8 am (or 9 this weekend I think, point is the exactness), Exactly! It's like I have a virtual wake up call!

Making the right decision: Expected Value Theory:

The worst that can happen:

Oh, I won't write about that, I mean let's not be pessimists here. So there's not getting good enough grades in school, which leads to not graduating and having my whole mom's side of the family be disappointed in me. Dad too, probably. Then there's not making probation (they have all they need to use against me) and getting fired from my job, which would have all of Dad's side disappointed in me.
Now, I want to say, let's add insult to injury. Is having people be disappointed in me really the worst that can happen? Well when you consider how many favors I'm asking, me the one who never asks, it seems pretty important.

The best that can happen:

Shh.. You'll jinx it! I guess it's a good sign that disappointing people is the worst thing I think can happen to me.

New post, to get all that negativity off the front page. Printer problems, I don't get it, I didn't change anything?
It's already thanksgiving here, so thanks to all the people in my life who've helped make me who I am today. I'm especially thankful to the people who were patient with me when I gave them undue attention while I learnt from their good influence. My roommates, etc.

Listening to GYBE always has such an emotional effect on me.. I'm listening to one of their good ones now, don't even know which one, and just talking about it is giving me glow. What I was feeling earlier was this very wistful, listless feeling, remembering the days when I was in high school, possibly because I tried to pull the old switcharoo on David who just logged on. By pulling it on him I of course mean completely unbeknownst to him, as I was just exploring the reverse world pattern where he would be exactly the way I was back in high school and I'd be how he was.
In any case, a very fall-like feeling, not knowing where my life is going, feeling like this all or nothing meme is going to get its bluff called soon. Winter's looming and it's not enticing to me to be homeless.. I feel like it's the reverse world pattern with Julia though, with her calling me, etc. She has so much stuff, if she were a little more flexible I could really change her. Now though I feel like it's a good opportunity but I'm being morose about it.

Dreamt that I was being careless as I've been fearing.. Hedonistic, testing how little work I can do before getting kicked out/fired.

----

Dreamt that I was taking the train away from the airport. It was somehow not what I supposed to do given my job, but I didn't want to wait on the plane. As we left the vicinity of the airport it started getting real quite and I had to grudgingly admit that it was a nice way to travel.

Recently since I've been relaxing my strict diet (at an alarming rate) with the rationalization that I'm still just nearing average, I've found that halving a lot of the hedonism I've engaged in has unexpected results. They may only be a co-occurring effect, but the meme that letting go of savings and planning and 'living for the moment' has led to many spur of the moment decisions, which in turn lead to feeling less in control of my schedule.
Last week it felt like although I spent an outrageous 4-5$ (that would be 4-5$ more than I've spent in the past 3 years combined). I feel like Kate, a semester shy of graduating (and that's flattering me), but not caring and needing administrative McGill staff to call her at home to remind her.
The homeless meme makes so much sense, even though it's quite scary and depressing, not to mention completely out of question given my family and upbringing.
One constant since I moved back after my first year (so many things changed, like I should have a label for that specific time, after adolescence) is dreams recording, I'm quite proud of that.

Longish dream for the realtime amount, with little substance, sadly. From what I can remember, (the end mostly) it was long overtime at work, waiting for something. I was rather enjoying it, it felt like a storm day at school, which meant not enough attendance to do actual work. Near the end I was planning on going to get refreshments (mostly junk food being at the airport and all) and was letting coworkers know (of which there was only SN). Starting up the DVD menu for a movie, talked about Quicktime a little.
I commented, in my more mac-affiliated perspective, that I thought the name was pretty cool. Spent entirely too much time trying to convey how those two words, neither of which had anything to do with video, really, combined to give a name that was now ingrained in my mind as referring to the video program on Mac.
The DVD menu for that movie was of a guy (not the focal point) riding a giant panther (the focal point) like in warcraft, such that the camera was following the panther, and none of the terrain was visible. Basically you just had a panther running in mid-air.
I mention some passing remark to cover-up why I thought quicktime was cool from so long ago, without explaining how long I've known about it. The question then became what I'd had about the pigs scene in Lion King (memory really fuzzy around here) to which I tried to reply what I'd already had but with more, emphasis, breaking down midway and laughing it off, "..Phew, I was all over the place on that one, let me go get what I wanted and I'll be back and I can explain everything in detail.."

Dreamt that I was in a hard place, like it was an inappropriate time to indulge (as it always seems to be, these days - not that the ever increasing guilt is in anyway hindering the effectiveness of the temptation.. Sometimes I think it's encouraging me). Like I think I was at work, at the gate or something, and I had to wait. So I was waiting, but still...

Anyway, I see Vinicius. I haven't seen him in about 6-7 years, he's changed, and I'm not too sure it's him. I have to look him in the eyes a while trying to recognize, but not making progress. Besides, I'm not even really sure I'd want to talk to him, even if I was sure it was him, we didn't exactly leave on good terms.

So we kind of nod at each other, acknowledging some level of recognition, which could be anywhere from his remembering who I am to his just nodding at me 'cause I'm in his way. I get on with him and we drive around, never mentioning the past. I forsake some of my responsibilities to spend more time, but in the end we split before we can really do anything.

I've narrowed down getting the feeling of warm glow on my forehead to:

1) Something definitely dependent on other people, most usually when they are very focused or exerting themselves a lot. If I disturb them, or otherwise make them think I'm not 'with' them, the feeling fades.
2) Something that results from listening to powerful songs, usually ambient and entrancing.

It feels so good, I try to give that feeling to others when applicable, my method being just willing them to feel it.

Deja vu is more common, still melancholy. It's like they're things I've done before, combined with the feeling of foreboding concerning my failed attempt at burning out and the resulting ever-present guilt (which I get the feeling won't simply disappear after I have) make it hard to enjoy the wonder.
Latest was while writing the following sentence in a text file I'm venting in right now:
"I don’t blame her, but trading my low-fat diet for her reason in favor of high-fat meals without.."
I'm listening to GYBE, "12.28.99", and I was getting the glow (getting it again now) but it faded during the deja vu (since I'd presumably done this before, which is of no interest to them).

Dream that I went to Osheaga or some kind of festival like that in the usual tag along w/ Th and them. I was on stage at some point and the performers gave me a look pointing to some of kids on stage, taking the spotlight. I passed that look onto security but he was like, "They're just kids" thinking I was taking matters into my own hands. They left.
As the show progressed we threw paint into the crowd and body surfed by just standing. Then after while it was another band I bought a nice watch which defaulted in the color pink but was color changeable. Now I don't remember if I started wearing or not but I spent the rest of the dream looking for the color change.
After they filled the audience area with water and had people drive around in cars, which floated in the dream. My old bosses from PA were like, "I'm glad he don't have access to our truck no more." Later I spend some time at Julia's but I have to go get my half done things (like my car still parked somewhere near the festival). I'm driving the econoline truck down the street when all of a sudden two zapatistas open fire on the car in front of me. I guess it was because it was a cop car, but an econoline is still commercial so I was worried. In any case, didn't get to find the car, woke up.*

*: Woke up freaking out because I thought I'd overslept. (I don't know if it's the shortening days or starting an hour earlier, but I was late for work yesterday.) Before going back to bed before this dream, I'd imagined Sal's voice telling me, "Call me when you're done with this, ok?" and right after waking, before looking at the time, I hear him, "ok".

Weird feeling of my eyes failing me..
First happened when I first met/was introduced to Flor, I maintained my usual standoffish/nonchalant attitude, not straying beyond the polite. As we both resume facing outwards, my right eye started straying, giving a double vision like effect. The only way to control it was by closing my left eye.
This morning while listening to Bush, 'Little things', "..I'm addicted to food" same thing happened.

Worried about being a bad role model
I'm taking more chances now, and giving into the burnout meme a lot more these days.
It's starting to backfire in the sense that I'm remembering all the people that look up to me _after_ I've given up on a particular good habit.. What will happen to my younger siblings if I just disappear? Last time wasn't pretty..

Here's the deal: there is the possibility that I may be invited to move to NYC in December.

That's when I graduate and coincidentally a friend of my roommate's gets out of her lease, meaning there might be someone to sublet my apartment.

Now square footage in NY is about 4 times as expensive as I'm used to and it doesn't look like there will be need for much of my possessions.

Now I've been playing around with this burnout meme for a while now, and it's taken pretty good care of me so far this summer.

Even though my pride balked at the notion of selling/storing all my stuff, I see now that it would be in pretty good alignment with the meme for me to basically get rid of all my possessions..

It's just that winter's coming and I don't want the image my parents have of me to freeze into someone 'different'... again.

I also kind of want to keep my possessions, in like a crash pad or something..

My dream was about me exploring, breaking the rules somewhat. It started with me convincing everyone to follow me to this other planet, a place where an official explorer team had been sent before. They were reluctant, since I think it was implied that we were to stay put and wait (which really didn't appeal to me). Anyway, I got them to follow me, but as we arrived and the exploration progressed, my confidence waned.
The team was nowhere to be found, and the place was deserted (not much more fun than the place we were waiting in originally). I ran ahead because I was beginning to get desperate for something to show the group, and I found an old friend, part of the official team. He'd been part of the grade above me in school, and his hair was lighter. He was tearing through a pack of some kind of food, salad or pastry (whatever it was it was meant to be eaten with utensils). I saw him first but he saw me right after. Clearly I would have wanted to hide, there definitely seemed to be something wrong with him. His wild eyes locked on to me and he smiled wide, didn't say anything too intelligent but only moved toward me very slowly if at all. I had time to leave before he could touch me (presumably the hypothesis at this point was that the whole team hadn't reported back because they'd gotten sick or something). I found a very weak member of the crew, an older woman (played by Filomena from work) who was pretty thin and frail. She seemed motionless but was conscious, so I thought it was safe to pick her up and bring her back to the group. They were closer to the exit and would leave when I was ready so I figured if we brought her back we wouldn't be returning empty-handed and at we'd have done good.
As soon as I brought her to show the group, she stirred, still in my arms (I was carrying her like a baby). Soon after opening her eyes, she looked at me, but rather than welcome the smile I was trying to give her, she just reacted to the closeness between us and rabidly bit the space between my neck and left shoulder. Clearly the disease gave her super-strength, or a huge mouth with teeth, 'cause she really tore in there! My reaction was like, 'Ow!!! Dude I thought we were friends!'
I pulled on the hair on the back of her head with my right hand as hard as I could (I had been trying to be nice until then). I don't know what gave it away (the looks on my colleagues faces?) but I realized that I probably then had whatever they had (the disease), and I screamed, "Noooo!"
That's when I woke up, and thought in hindsight that it was similar to the zombie facebook application.

One of my favorite fantasies is.. Get this, imagining others can read my thoughts. You should try it! It does wonders for your politeness!

I mean it's no secret (according to psychology) that people's thoughts influence their behaviors (and vice versa, but that's for another night. Therefore, once you start acting (or thinking, rather) like everyone can hear your thoughts, then you start keeping pretty much all your negative behaviors in check, i.e. road rage, etc. It works especially well for excessively hateful or hypocritical people.

As for the plausibility, well there has been talk and experiential reports of telepathy between very close people. I know, I know, if it were true then obviously someone would jump at the opportunity to 'discover' it for science. Hypothetically speaking, the two main avenues discussed by (admittedly more 'new age' or 'far out' thinkers) have been pheromones and brain-waves. Of these two brain-waves seems the most likely to me, in conjunction with some kind of quantum uncertainty. I mean, in a circuit as complicated as the brain, I bet it wouldn't take much to set a synapse off, which could then theoretically chain react into a specific thought. It requires a leap of faith, but then again all you need is the possibility to let the fantasy take off..

Julia != Julie

My biggest fear right now is that I'm being stupid about my relationship with Julia. It's like I'm either at one extreme or the other, totally nonchalant and playing it cool, or totally clingy and asking for too much. It's just so coincidental, what attracts me about her, that she was married to a guy named Ryan, etc.. Telling myself that I'm older, more mature, and 'ready for it' now is one thing that has helped me believe that I could overcome the pattern this time.

So looking at the positives, I mean it's hard not to get wrapped up in a spiral of attraction, where I just end up wanting like a madman, without really being able to justify it. I don't want to be on the wrong end of unrequited love, either. She's beautiful AND her personality is just unbelievable too! She's sexy and likes sex, I mean that combination is just so rare! We both like eating healthy, and she knows all these recipes and likes to cook!

Super independent kind of gets me sometimes, I mean I don't know anyone who doesn't put themselves first, but I really want for her to want me more. I mean I know she's a lot more experienced in relationships than I am, but I don't want to be just another relationship to her!

So all I can say is that I'm working on believing that this is really an opportunity for a long-lasting and meaningful relationship, and if I let my pattern fears get in the way I'm really going to have blown a huge opportunity! Of course, my emotional armor won't let me get involved if involved means vulnerable, but the fact that I just threw out some of my beliefs to be what she wants kind of scares me in what it seems like I've invested. And we can have a Rabbi if she wants, I just want her.

I think I'm working with types. Or at least incarnations. I think that's what the guy meant in Clockwork Orange, when he keeps referring to his friends/gangmembers as 'droogs'.. In any case, at my work, although there is some kind of strict hierarchy w.r.t to seniority and supervisors, on the other hand there really is only one person from corporate in the whole station (who usually works upstairs) and it's like everyone else in on their own against her (the union vs. corporate). Seems like if they're (we're) all independent it's easier to find archetypes in them. I know, drugs isn't exactly the most p.c. archetype to find (has it even been done yet?) but greek/egyptian planets etc. I don't know that well.

Anyway, we have a major supervisor Lucy, pretty old full-timer, which I attribute to acid (for obvious reasons). Then there's Salvador, who everyone calls Sal (and I call Salvia). There are also groups like the burnouts and the pretty people. Besides that I'm pretty much making it up as I go now, but I'm sure there's others.. It's just how everyone's so independent, makes you sure they have something going on for them, some kind of power or something. Like this girl Mana, I mean her name is the power source for magic-users in WoW!..

Sobering up with the postmature baby. Last november I pretty much crashed and renounced my 'role-models' because I despised the idea that I should like to be more like any other man than myself.. That any other man should be 'the man' for any length of time was totally unacceptable to me, at that exact moment. I kept renouncing, and men kept stepping up. I ended up quite lost, with some kind of resentment for all other men in my heart. Right now my position has mollified somewhat, although I still wish to be at best neutral with respect to other men. I want the company of women (although that extreme has proven to be less than ideal as well) and I understand the appeal of having male friends (army, people who are like you and want to work towards the common goal).

My goals stay similar to always. Alone, I can control my perception of the world more easily. I want to explore and have a businesslike and clear-cut relationship with other men. I want power over them, violent power, yet I don't want that to even be a remote possibility, much less a necessity, since I would choose peace across the board if possible (isn't that how it is in paradise?).

16

Starting work at Buffalo. Can barely stay awake 'cause I came straight. I want to go wash hands. The other guys either want to train me or give me lower jobs (which I'd normally try and prove I can sell and am better than) I dress myself in things from the store and then put them away. I can literally barely remember where I took the stuff. and just keeping my eyes open is hard. A customer comes in.

Cut to talking about delivery job w/ Matt ('cause I thought i was 'generating' him too) and he says I still need the paper (i.e. writing them down) if I'm not going to do that forever (i.e. work at P.A.) while I pack order (grapes underneath) because: "The main drug is needy"..

25 night of 24 June

"You're within 24 hours of being arrested," the fully dressed FBI agent compassionately says kneeling beside my lying body in my bed.

"On what charge?"

"Let me show you:"

Quotes by 'Adolfo' on the internet: *begin forwarded message*

So I run.

9 Jul

Running around a hotel gaining p on guests as the last king of scotland. Super pumped on a drug that hypes you up but makes you sooo cold too (going up elevator, having to run from bad guys constantly too).

19

In the Amazon, working odd jobs (and the gap between the rich and poor is worse). National Geographic awards go to the house with the most water. Playing with turtle and croc in the water, huge, no fear.

21

My bed looks like gently lapping waves.

31

Dreamt of an episode of Home Improvement. Wanting to buy an outside rocking chair but he's already gotten one (Wilson) a long time ago, Tim didn't even know his neighbor well enough to know that. It was the last episode and as everyone sat on the rocker you could see Wilson's face.

Sometimes I think I can palpably love someone to point where they feel it with just my thoughts..
This comes to me from the feeling I get when I listen to certain songs with a certain mindset.
Granted, there's more to love than just a warm glow on your forehead, but I want to believe it's not just a closed circuit between the music and I.
I guess skepticism deserves its reputation for cynicism. Everything I like so much about belief, synchronicity and telepathy, the proof is too beautiful to remember sometimes.

When I was young I wanted to be famous. Maybe it's because I still didn't understand that you can't think you're better than someone without creating a superior/inferior relationship, which I try to downplay these days.

I think a lush edenic garden where everything is abundant and free, with an internet connection..

"You keep me on the ground.." I mean

Here's a pic of my sister and I last time I went to QC to visit my family.

Shot four times in my right shoulder last night.. Just like in T2

My interesting dream recently was another stormy and rainy night though.. "This life thing is over" somebody said, and that pretty much summed up the theme of it. I was at a red light, going to the set of my job. The people in the car beside me gun the engine and pass me by far, I'm frustrated but let them go. As I follow them I see they have a huge cage tied to the top of their car. I regret getting mad at them now, since if they unleashed that thing on me I would definitely not want to get any closer.

It looks like a huge bat in there and I'm wondering what kind of sick goths are driving that car. We end up at the same place and I'm just glad that thing is still in it's cage. It turns out to be a koala, but it's still pretty scary the way it looks at me..w

It all started when I was home alone and I started getting strange clues that someone was getting into my apartment. I would be sure noone was home, but then I'd find a pack of food out of place, etc. I was getting scared, 'cause why was someone in my house? What were they waiting for to make their presence known? I mean, the only thing that they could be waiting this long for (to actually get hungry waiting and have to take some of my food) would be something they didn't want me to know about.

So I got the bright idea to have a sleepover and invite lots of people. My two roommates came, and they invited their friends, and the night passed by quickly 'cause I didn't really know them so I didn't really talk to them (not social, I know). I was so happy when I realized you were there, though! It was near the end of the night (3-4 in the morning) and you were lying in my roommate's room. I'm sure it would have been fine for you to crash anywhere, but I wanted you to sleep in my room, and since you were my friend I thought it was for sure you would have to.

[Note: I often do things in my dreams that are "childish" or 'impulsive', like giving in to my desires without giving them much higher thought. In retrospect I find the way I 'forced' you to wake up and come sleep in my room wrong and borderline antisocial since the most social people I know don't focus on one person but let people be themselves. Maybe I missed out on the opportunity to sleep with someone who was still awake and interested in me and wanted to talk and hold each other or something. Sorry for the sex.]

So I put you in my room. I went back out to find a friend of yours who was still awake and wanted to sleep (it was arranged for my room). When we came back you were on my bed but sideways so we didn't have place. So I had to wake you up again, and this time we got ready for bed (brush teeth, etc.) You were on the far left, then your friend, then me. I thought I knew the friend, but it wasn't the only person I could think of since she was much older. I was disappointed 'cause I wanted to sleep next to you. [Again, in hindsight, I wasn't thinking of your bf obligations at all.] You just gave me a look, like, 'it's for the best'. So we fell asleep, and the last thing I said before we were supposed to fall asleep was, 'Mmm, wouldn't it be good to have some of that cake they had earlier?' (One of the people had made a cake and there was lots left) and I turn to look at you and you both are like, 'what do you mean, THIS cake?' and you were both EATING SOME and offering me some!! I refused even though I wanted some lots. I wanted to go back on my decision but I have this thing where if I make a decision I find it really hard to trust someone enough to let them know I changed my mind. Then I thought, I'd have to brush my teeth again, etc.. So I basically just wasted your time wanting some and having you try to convince me to let you give me some.

Finally after falling asleep I regained my confidence and started flying (literally levitating two feet off the ground) from my room to the kitchen super fast. Unfortunately when I got there I noticed a bag of popcorn in the microwave, unpopped. This was after everyone was gone, so I started getting really scared the intruder from the beginning was back again. Then I woke up.

Recent dreams (copied from notes)
Feb 17 2007 - March 11 2007

Breaking into PA's empty highrise, running into someone carrying a TV. Panicking while holding and knowing the cops are coming. Working for my sheets.
Recently breaking out of prison.

In prison.. They're busting an animal out right after he and I got convicted so I can come too. I should place a a playing walkman by the phone in case they call to check out while I'm escaping. The breaker-in has to face major hurdles. A guard (who wakes up from the tranq right and and offers hints for the next) a snake and a fog after. Can't seem to hit the snake w/ the tranq.

I'm really scared of getting caught. The prison psychologist comes to pay me a visit (like he'll do every day), I get cable and am watching a show, the simpson's, where homer has a monkey on a rope, who gets twisted and becomes an antennae or something. Homer takes credit for going that on purpose. That's when the psychologist comes in, asks me about the show, what do humans want to be (if not animals). I don't answer, others animals are in balls like antelopes, now brains are in them. He leaves, after saying, "Welcome" and meaning it, etc.

I set up and everything and get really scared 'cause if I get caught I'll lose more (cable, phone) and surely be watched closer against further attempts to break out. Go to work (catching the bus gets me off the island). JP strangely nice (reads my mind for a Q I was going to ask). Also smoke pot w/ people 'cause I didn't want to miss/lose track of them. (I knew this was the first time in like 3 years (felt like more) and I really didn't want to.)

BTW escaping was returning to the life in the mob. As I was following an older guy in another car, he lets me patrol the next street. When I decline and go though an alley to finish the job I had (celine, sp?) he says, " Well, you're going to have to find your own territory if you don't want to do this here." (the if before the then). And I remember how scare/hard finding my own territory is.
\

March 5th 2007

First long dream where Dan has an episode on Datura (not really, but I don't remember the reason he wasn't himself).

He just kept asking for the drugs until we met up w/ Matt again.

Swam across from Mtl to Nun's Island, and mat's like, "too bad, it is super toxic."

Getting him away from the party solved his asking me for drugs. but going back w/ Matt now in charge.

I wasn't exactly 'cool' and asked a question which got no answer.

In the other room everything is there (except for me, matt, Dan and a better friend of the host [looked like Dana]) (he's who I asked).

Other room: people (I'm afraid of) are Rachel and her friends lost of ppl inl. guys. Playing video games (think maybe risk, but the fights are real). Noah's in the bathroom and Rachel's getting beat up.

Ah! What a nightmare! I dreamt that I was being held down, struggling with all my might but they were too many, as they wanted to cut my eyelashes, "for my own good"!

Happy New Year!
I opened X-mas gifts with my family last night, while having lots of people over for a party. I have to say I wasn't as social as I could have been, but I had to ask myself if I really wanted to..
From my sister I got a super nice Buffalo zip-up hoodie, she sure has taste.
From my brother I got a nice woolen sweater and from my other brother some DVDs.
I'm happy with everything!
My New Year's Resolutions are to go to the gym at least once every two weeks and complain less.

To start 2007 off on the right foot I'm planning some long-term goals, concretely. I'm placing a little less importance on superstitions but more on my heart. I'm going to be nicer and more patient with people, especially this current less than gentlemanly trend I've been expressing.

Here are a few of the new songs/podcasts I've been listening to recently:

GT vs. Project C, most of their mixes are available for download in the forum by the same name, I recommend 11, 15 and 18 if you like vocal trance.

Just Good Music Podcast (available in the Itunes podcast directory): Episode "Best of 2005", the last song (20min mark).

I've also been watching the "Yoga Today" vodcast. They are large downloads but top notch quality. Some of that stuff is hard!

It's like I'm in the twilight zone or something!
When I regret something it projects back into the past as a warning which, since the regret comes after the fact, doesn't warn me on time. Rather, I want to learn from my mistake as a whole and not focus on the details. Project that back in time as a stand-alone framework lesson and not a situation specific regret.

Synchronicity convinced me I am right to think it's not as easy as some atheists would have you believe, hehe..
I mean sure, physics can precisely and minutely describe everything that happened since the big bang but if you stop there then that really isn't any better since if you can't explain the big bang then nothing is stopping anything else from happening and being "Big Bang #2" or something..
Besides, there are a whole slew of things, from the quantum molecular level to the light-bending-around-stars magnitude that physics can't account for and could easily explain a great number of 'paranormal' phenomena that people usually dismiss out of hand instead of being a little more tolerant.
Now I'm not advocating joining Heaven's Gate or anything like that, but can we please open our eyes and start taking a look at this stuff instead of spending so much time and money killing each other in Iraq?

Whoa, I can't be sure it was a dream (but where else could I remember this from?) but I remember reading that my idea was accepted into the Global Ideas Bank recently, and lo and behold this morning I get an e-mail from them saying just that!

Click Here to see it!

More on the story. I just realized how similar to Hypnic's description of his dream, when he had an OBE:
"Next I was flying towards the back of my head, from the direction of the sun. I entered my brain and began paging through my memories, having no clue who I was. At the same time I was freaking out because I didn’t know how to interface with this reality properly and it felt permanent."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Flammarion.jpg

My Goals : Sustainability & Exploration

I. Sustainability means living in harmony with nature and others such that all my basic needs are met. Anything possible is available in unlimited quantities at nobody's expense.

II. Exploration means going out and finding new places and ideas. Settling in other places, building a sustainable system while preserving the original state of affairs. Getting to know new people and developing new abilities for communication.

Ouch!
I totally got beaten up in my dream last night.. and I didn't evn fight back. Didn't hurt as much as I thought. I tried closing my fist as hard as I could to show him how big it was but he could break it by closing his hand over it. Also dreamt about telling my old Math 314 prof, I shouldn't hold grudges like that.

The solution to growing social isolation caused by perpetual iPod use

So the other day I was imagining what it would be like if everyone on the bus could hear the music I was listening to when I got the idea for the next ipod.
They already have iTrip, a little device that you connect to your ipod to let it broadcast to a local radio station. All they have to do is miniaturize it by designing it to broadcast only to other ipods. Wouldn't it be cool for the whole subway car to be tuned in to the same dj's playlist?

Reality Gloves.

In this story, people use bodies to handle this universe similarly to how scientists use glove boxes.



Noone's very conscious of this fact, or this story wouldn't be quite as fantastic. In fact, very few people ever stopped to wonder where they come from and why they're here. Sure, everyone had heard of those questions, such as how exactly something as material as a body could be controlled by something as immaterial as a mind, but they were usually waved off and left to realm of philosophy and theology.

After all, it didn't make much sense to risk everything just to know something you'd eventually figure out anyway, right?

But in this story, every so often someone would resurface on their own. Everyone had their own methods, none of them very appealing to the general populace, who by and large accepted that the price to pay for wearing these gloves was total amnesia with regards to your higher self.

Resurfacing, my first instinct was going back. Diving back down, I now had to find my body. Of course it was effortless, all I really had to do was let go. But trying to understand the decisions that were being made for me was interesting. There was the me from other times, the me that had made different decisions, a infinite number of me's..

Perhaps the most interesting, however was the scene I witnessed while trying to reach you.















to be continued...

I wish that what I want to believe is true.

I want to be great at disciplining my thoughts. I want to have an excellent memory. I imagine myself safe, financially secure, achieving this admirable diploma at McGill, being trustworthy and attractive to others. I want to worry less about other people being affected by my actions.

My idea of heaven is an infinite number of new beautiful places to visit, a great big isolated house bought and paid for to rest in for as long as I want. Sustainable and renewing sources of food supplying me with exactly as much food as I require with minimal work. Contact with the rest of the world through the internet and cable tv. Tangible achievements to satisfy my family and give financial gifts to them. A useful history of problems I caused such that I can fix them. A creative job inventing super beautiful and useful things for people.

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had growing up to learn 3 languages. I'm grateful for having Alex as a friend who introduced me to reading lots of books and computers. I'm grateful for learning to use the internet at the best time so that I could shape it. I'm grateful for the confidence inspiring and reassuring friendships and relationships I have had.

I want the intentions I have to shine through from my soul as the beautiful and honest desires they are. I want the beauty in things to be the only thing that matters.

Mood: Worried
Got in an accident at work today. The whole day started out wrong when I decided to go with only a t-shirt under my winter coat. Zack says it's like the time I was going to high school in t-shirts in November and got pneumonia. I'm on my own now, and it's depressing. Zack is the new guy who's always comparing patterns with my history.
It was really cold coming out, especially since my coat was so loose the wind would just blow through all the time. A car splashed me in the face while I was waiting for the bus in the dark. Still didn't like listening to my favorite songs. Lots of milk to do at work, and Parc had lots of stuff from across the street which meant more time outside in the freezing rain.
Then right as 11 o'clock rolled around and the second guy (Manny) started, I locked the keys in the van. I didn't think we had a spare, so I tried the key from the other van, a coat hanger, then went to the mechanic's, then tried taxis, the cops and finally I told my boss. He found a spare in no time and I managed to get it open.
I had wasted about an hour running around trying to solve the problem by myself. Deliveries were late and it cumulated down to the next run. I didn't finish until 3:30 and walked in to my Comp 251 tutorial soaking wet from walking to the Arts building from Peel station.
I finally got home later with my roommate's bf right behind me. They were kind enough to share some of their meal with me. Then they left for the weekend, and here I am, trying to study for finals next week. It's like the season which had been building since November decided to hit all at once. I gave my phone number to the car I hit, backing up in the alley while they were trying to get out.

I'm starting a new short story about a boy robot who lives in the technoparc. It's set in the not too distant future where cars drive themselves, etc. One day he makes an online purchase and gets ripped off so he goes after the money and it takes him to Mars and beyond.

The patterns in my life are...
The more I try and break out of them the less they let me believe them later when I want to.

Tonight was exactly like the winter day 2001, sitting home alone watching super good cable and my dad came over to fix my broken window. I just laughed at the synchronicity, with an cruel and vengeful streak in there. I took pleasure in the fear my gain in knowledge was eliciting. Feeling super entitled, cool and attractive, much more so than in the 20 years previous of my life, and not ever stopping to question why. Rather like making the wrong decision after finding a 1000$ in your jacket and deciding to make a run for it instead of doing the right thing.

I know it's wrong to take pleasure in other people's fear (even stupid wrong because they might be lulling me into a false sense of security, since I don't know why they're scared). But the power is so attractive.. I sometimes do volunteer work just for the power it entails. *shame*...

I'm sorry about it, I want to do the right thing. I will declare the correct amounts on my next tax return, but I don't know what else is truly wrong (not being grateful enough?) and even that is gray. I thank the people who gave me this job and the opportunity to feel this cool by giving back, respecting in the way I believe counts and giving of my time. I need a job, so I'm not about to quit but I don't think devoting my life and giving too much of my time is the smart thing to do.

I remember one day after the break, asking them to just tell me what to do. His parents were fighting and that was all he knew. Not wanting to do anything, remaining silent because of the future. It's as if money can't buy the gratitude and hard work my parents expect from me. I can meander and be super good for the environment at that grocery store but my mother won't be proud 'cause she knows it's the easy way out. Not reaching my full potential.

Seeing life through someone else's eyes.
I had the most amazing dream the other day while meditating. By completely stilling my mind (there were other factors - too, an intense mental bond with someone in the next room I'd just met for the first time that day) and closing my eyes as if I were to go to sleep (I was actually going to take a nap) I began seeing images as if I was looking at something - but my eyes were closed. Could brainwaves be responsible for this? If so, is this the stuff dreams are made of? (haha.. sorry)

I don't know what's more frustrating, knowing that I wasn't as good yesterday or not knowing what has changed!

As I looked into her eyes, I felt the weight of the consequences of the coming decisions rippling backwards from the future.

I recognized her on a completely different level than two people meeting again after having seeing each other at a party. Although I probably had, my left brain would say, and romanticizing all this is probably not the best course of action (and neither is thinking about the best course of action).

"You're too young to have a girlfriend," I sometimes think I would have told myself.
"Sticking to your studies is really the best career move for you right now."
"She's your friend's ex," is the stickler my morals cling to my sense of what's best in the worst way.

It comes down to being able to do it, if I want. My conscience would like my younger self to know things could have been different, but ultimately my decision balances out the better possibilities. My decision won't let me wallow in the squalor that is how things could have been..

I woke up this morning happier than I have in a long time! It was as relaxed as weekends have been these days, but definitely in a more springtime season. We were living in a small townhouse or cottage near the train tracks at the end of one of the streets off Ste-Catherine's between Lansdowne and Metcalfe.
In any case it was a beautiful day. I was attracted to the girl chatting up my roommate, comparing things about their friends. It seemed they had so much in common, which I attributed to them comparing the same friends.
"My friend with the greenest shirt is named Charlie.." my roommate would say,
"Mine too!" her friend would reply.
I was finding things the both of us could talk about, and it soon became apparent that they were talking about different friends!
"It's funny that you both have so much in common yet are separated by miles!" I remarked.
My roommate started to get angry with me, asking me what I meant by 'miles'.. It was unfortunate because I was hoping she would set me up with her friend..

Later that day we had a great party on my back balcony, with a nice staircase that unfolded from against the wall. There was a baby, and everyone had come from my hometown to throw me this party 'cause I'd called my mom earlier. I felt bad 'cause I'd walked into the surprise party yelling at my brother, who was only baiting me and I should have been in a better mood. I had to buy myself back but there wasn't much time, had to call Luan back from leaving and to bring the baby back with him. Overall it was going to be fun, overcast but with BBQ-ing and lots of fun. I hoped they could stay 'cause I didn't tell them if I had to work that day.

The case for (tel)empathy:
I'd like to begin with a joke, comparing the concept of telepathy as we all know it, (hearing other people's thoughts) to something as real as quantum physics, for example. I often read proofs of the form, since this would model exactly, for all intents and purposes it can be considered that which it is modelling.
If someone could imagine what you're thinking, then there would be little difference between that and actual telepathy. So, try and imagine what people are thinking. Find out if you were right, when possible. The better you get, the closer you'll get to telepathy.
Well maybe not, but it's probably a thoughtful way to live. Real telepathy, wouldn't it improve the quality of life? Less accidents, less misunderstandings.. Everyone's heard of brainwaves, right? I've heard two brains close together oscillate at the same rate. How much information can those waves carry? It doesn't have to be a lot, when things get down to the cellular level (i.e. neurons). Chaos theory is fond of quoting it's butterfly-causing-storms scenario, and while my brain is probably more organized than governed by chance, little static fields around my hair could send little electrical signals (how cells communicate) which can easily be amplified 1000 times over by metabotropic G-proteins.
So maybe all the information stored in the brain can be transmitted this way, visuals, memories, etc.

She told me to stay behind because she was in a hurry. I thought I was faster than her so I didn't listen..
I caught her drive and went until the first stop. I didn't have to hide so much since she was so focused on driving fast. I stopped at an island where she rushed into a apartment building. I kept up with her quite well as she rushed up the stairs even though I had to keep my distance because I can't get caught and she's starting to watch her back.
Ran into an old friend and I think I should stop and talk. I don't want to because she's getting away but not wanting to be rude wins and I stop to make small talk under pressure, he's diffident but friendly.
Next thing I know I've lost her. I start to panic. I go up the stairs all the way to the top of the building but she's gone.
I want to look through the building more thoroughly but I know I'm also not even supposed to be there. I notice that every door I open is a student's, so I ask my friend if this is a student residence. He says that it's for the an exclusive french school, St-Isites something.
I start going faster to find her but there are people milling everywhere and she's impossible to find in the crowd. A girl with dyed red hair standing beside a guy moves to talk to me, stops me, furiously furrowing her forehead, calling me out.
I agree because, well, a kiss is a kiss. I take her, but it's clumsy and wet, the best part being when she approaches nearer. I stop and give her advice. I'm like, no, "Less kissing, more body pressing", hahahaha.
Anyway, I let her get back to whatever, leave and realize that I've lost her. I'm stuck on the island, nowhere to go for who knows how long. My panic is now about whether I'll ever be able to leave. The students are all getting ready to leave and are waiting with a purpose. I think about asking my friend about going where they're going but I hesitate out of pride and lose him too. The only place that's familiar is the building I'm not really welcome in anyway. Hanging around earns me a notice and the owners of the building, probably the adults in charge of the school, put me to work.
As it gets dark I'm about to work my first shift and seal my subservience to them forever.
Before I do though I stall and walk around. I manage to group a few people who agree with me after dark (or when the power goes out). They might want to leave, but they feel accepted enough that it's unlikely they'll act on it.
I leave and go out. It's now a warm sunny day but my panic keeps me from feeling any of it. All the students have gotten on their buses and left. There are a few parked cars, but not enough. I would probably get caught if I tried to steal one to escape.
I spot a privately owned cabin near the building. It's a lot closer than I thought the nearest house was when I'd looked around in the crowd the day before. The cabin has a large underground part only visible to the top as a roof over the ground. Probably won't be welcome there either but it could be abandoned.

So the limewire guilt, part of growing up? Nowadays I just don't talk about it with anyone, 'cause it's bound to a) make me look weird, b) not lead anywhere. I can basically sum it up by it's like acting as if everyone always knows what I'm thinking, what I'm doing or have done, especially when relating to their property, makes me think I'm a better person. But living this way, it's not exactly the go-getter's attitude, more like mr.nice guy.
I used to download so many songs, movies, whatever I could get my hands on, a long time before it was popular. I'm talking like almost 10 years ago, when there weren't mp3 players and the cool kids didn't even have computers. Before napster got busted, I'd burn mix CDs like there was no tomorrow. Then I got busted, got scared a little right before I moved out, went a little too far, moved back, moved away again, started out smart enough, if a little too social, then fell right back into holier-than-thou-sobriety. Phew.. That was a long sentence..

It's just so strange, though!

Well I haven't exactly died in my sleep (how would I know?) but I've been hurt pretty badly twice.

The first time was like 1+ years ago, I had a dream I had to outrun some wolves to leave this house I was at. I tried once, and they got me, I blacked out, and started over right where I had been (weird, I know.. I was too pissed off about losing any potentially 'unsaved changes' i.e. what I had just done to ponder the philosophical ramifications).

It really hurt, though! The wolf jumped and bit me right in the abdomen. I had blinding pain and blacked out, woke up after the third time, after trying to talk to the dude at the house. (I foolishly decided to go without food that night, and totally got hunger pangs _exactly_ where the wolf had bitten me).

The last time was only just recently, like last week. I was at my lame part-time grocery delivery job (which I stay at even though I could do better, what with being in uni and all 'cause it pays SO GOOD! Few $$ per delivery, 30 odd deliveries per shift, you do the math) when this new guy was giving me undermination (undermining me) so I was like fine, I'm out of here (my shift was done anyway).

So I leave, duck into the side door of the store which leads downstairs, even though it's not my department (fruits and vegetables). Suddenly a guy comes out of the f&v room with an automatic uzi covered with a rag (is that supposed to silence it?) and shoots me 3 times in the right chest. Ow! I woke up right away. I was like, they can't fire me, so they kill me?! (I have this theory that the lower in the business world the business, the shadier and more gangster like the politics of it are.

Most recently I dreamed I was swimming with a girl .. nothing to do with dying, that girl was hot though.

Performing is so my dream... I have too much too lose, though, or maybe I just don't believe in it enough.

You kind of need a band or an audition for that kind of thing, too, I think. And a lot of time to devote to writing and just plain being creative.

I love drawing before bed, mainly because I believe it sets the theme for my dreams (I fantasize waaay too much) which in turn I believe sets the theme for the following day.

I'm glad I started recording my (better) dreams about 2-3 years ago. Conscientiously doing so has definitely improved my dream memory, which is fun, just because.
I used to blog them at adolflow.blogspot.com, but that's time too.

It's school, which is like crunch-year (crunchtime.. mmmm.. crunch.. and a little eww) 'cause I'm spsed to graduate this year. I really want to keep studying too, so I have to be good 'cause my first year wasn't all that.

It's also this part-time job, which is so demanding, I'm sure because you don't really need very many good qualifications or experience to work in a grocery store, so I have to shine in a completely different kind of way than just being smart like at school. Like being humble and deferrent to your bosses to make them like you.. Not used to it.

Let's see what my last dreams were about.
Unsurprisingly my favorite dreams are the ones where I win some girl over...