Sobering up with the postmature baby. Last november I pretty much crashed and renounced my 'role-models' because I despised the idea that I should like to be more like any other man than myself.. That any other man should be 'the man' for any length of time was totally unacceptable to me, at that exact moment. I kept renouncing, and men kept stepping up. I ended up quite lost, with some kind of resentment for all other men in my heart. Right now my position has mollified somewhat, although I still wish to be at best neutral with respect to other men. I want the company of women (although that extreme has proven to be less than ideal as well) and I understand the appeal of having male friends (army, people who are like you and want to work towards the common goal).

My goals stay similar to always. Alone, I can control my perception of the world more easily. I want to explore and have a businesslike and clear-cut relationship with other men. I want power over them, violent power, yet I don't want that to even be a remote possibility, much less a necessity, since I would choose peace across the board if possible (isn't that how it is in paradise?).

16

Starting work at Buffalo. Can barely stay awake 'cause I came straight. I want to go wash hands. The other guys either want to train me or give me lower jobs (which I'd normally try and prove I can sell and am better than) I dress myself in things from the store and then put them away. I can literally barely remember where I took the stuff. and just keeping my eyes open is hard. A customer comes in.

Cut to talking about delivery job w/ Matt ('cause I thought i was 'generating' him too) and he says I still need the paper (i.e. writing them down) if I'm not going to do that forever (i.e. work at P.A.) while I pack order (grapes underneath) because: "The main drug is needy"..

25 night of 24 June

"You're within 24 hours of being arrested," the fully dressed FBI agent compassionately says kneeling beside my lying body in my bed.

"On what charge?"

"Let me show you:"

Quotes by 'Adolfo' on the internet: *begin forwarded message*

So I run.

9 Jul

Running around a hotel gaining p on guests as the last king of scotland. Super pumped on a drug that hypes you up but makes you sooo cold too (going up elevator, having to run from bad guys constantly too).

19

In the Amazon, working odd jobs (and the gap between the rich and poor is worse). National Geographic awards go to the house with the most water. Playing with turtle and croc in the water, huge, no fear.

21

My bed looks like gently lapping waves.

31

Dreamt of an episode of Home Improvement. Wanting to buy an outside rocking chair but he's already gotten one (Wilson) a long time ago, Tim didn't even know his neighbor well enough to know that. It was the last episode and as everyone sat on the rocker you could see Wilson's face.