Recently since I've been relaxing my strict diet (at an alarming rate) with the rationalization that I'm still just nearing average, I've found that halving a lot of the hedonism I've engaged in has unexpected results. They may only be a co-occurring effect, but the meme that letting go of savings and planning and 'living for the moment' has led to many spur of the moment decisions, which in turn lead to feeling less in control of my schedule.
Last week it felt like although I spent an outrageous 4-5$ (that would be 4-5$ more than I've spent in the past 3 years combined). I feel like Kate, a semester shy of graduating (and that's flattering me), but not caring and needing administrative McGill staff to call her at home to remind her.
The homeless meme makes so much sense, even though it's quite scary and depressing, not to mention completely out of question given my family and upbringing.
One constant since I moved back after my first year (so many things changed, like I should have a label for that specific time, after adolescence) is dreams recording, I'm quite proud of that.

Longish dream for the realtime amount, with little substance, sadly. From what I can remember, (the end mostly) it was long overtime at work, waiting for something. I was rather enjoying it, it felt like a storm day at school, which meant not enough attendance to do actual work. Near the end I was planning on going to get refreshments (mostly junk food being at the airport and all) and was letting coworkers know (of which there was only SN). Starting up the DVD menu for a movie, talked about Quicktime a little.
I commented, in my more mac-affiliated perspective, that I thought the name was pretty cool. Spent entirely too much time trying to convey how those two words, neither of which had anything to do with video, really, combined to give a name that was now ingrained in my mind as referring to the video program on Mac.
The DVD menu for that movie was of a guy (not the focal point) riding a giant panther (the focal point) like in warcraft, such that the camera was following the panther, and none of the terrain was visible. Basically you just had a panther running in mid-air.
I mention some passing remark to cover-up why I thought quicktime was cool from so long ago, without explaining how long I've known about it. The question then became what I'd had about the pigs scene in Lion King (memory really fuzzy around here) to which I tried to reply what I'd already had but with more, emphasis, breaking down midway and laughing it off, "..Phew, I was all over the place on that one, let me go get what I wanted and I'll be back and I can explain everything in detail.."

Dreamt that I was in a hard place, like it was an inappropriate time to indulge (as it always seems to be, these days - not that the ever increasing guilt is in anyway hindering the effectiveness of the temptation.. Sometimes I think it's encouraging me). Like I think I was at work, at the gate or something, and I had to wait. So I was waiting, but still...

Anyway, I see Vinicius. I haven't seen him in about 6-7 years, he's changed, and I'm not too sure it's him. I have to look him in the eyes a while trying to recognize, but not making progress. Besides, I'm not even really sure I'd want to talk to him, even if I was sure it was him, we didn't exactly leave on good terms.

So we kind of nod at each other, acknowledging some level of recognition, which could be anywhere from his remembering who I am to his just nodding at me 'cause I'm in his way. I get on with him and we drive around, never mentioning the past. I forsake some of my responsibilities to spend more time, but in the end we split before we can really do anything.

I've narrowed down getting the feeling of warm glow on my forehead to:

1) Something definitely dependent on other people, most usually when they are very focused or exerting themselves a lot. If I disturb them, or otherwise make them think I'm not 'with' them, the feeling fades.
2) Something that results from listening to powerful songs, usually ambient and entrancing.

It feels so good, I try to give that feeling to others when applicable, my method being just willing them to feel it.

Deja vu is more common, still melancholy. It's like they're things I've done before, combined with the feeling of foreboding concerning my failed attempt at burning out and the resulting ever-present guilt (which I get the feeling won't simply disappear after I have) make it hard to enjoy the wonder.
Latest was while writing the following sentence in a text file I'm venting in right now:
"I don’t blame her, but trading my low-fat diet for her reason in favor of high-fat meals without.."
I'm listening to GYBE, "12.28.99", and I was getting the glow (getting it again now) but it faded during the deja vu (since I'd presumably done this before, which is of no interest to them).

Dream that I went to Osheaga or some kind of festival like that in the usual tag along w/ Th and them. I was on stage at some point and the performers gave me a look pointing to some of kids on stage, taking the spotlight. I passed that look onto security but he was like, "They're just kids" thinking I was taking matters into my own hands. They left.
As the show progressed we threw paint into the crowd and body surfed by just standing. Then after while it was another band I bought a nice watch which defaulted in the color pink but was color changeable. Now I don't remember if I started wearing or not but I spent the rest of the dream looking for the color change.
After they filled the audience area with water and had people drive around in cars, which floated in the dream. My old bosses from PA were like, "I'm glad he don't have access to our truck no more." Later I spend some time at Julia's but I have to go get my half done things (like my car still parked somewhere near the festival). I'm driving the econoline truck down the street when all of a sudden two zapatistas open fire on the car in front of me. I guess it was because it was a cop car, but an econoline is still commercial so I was worried. In any case, didn't get to find the car, woke up.*

*: Woke up freaking out because I thought I'd overslept. (I don't know if it's the shortening days or starting an hour earlier, but I was late for work yesterday.) Before going back to bed before this dream, I'd imagined Sal's voice telling me, "Call me when you're done with this, ok?" and right after waking, before looking at the time, I hear him, "ok".

Weird feeling of my eyes failing me..
First happened when I first met/was introduced to Flor, I maintained my usual standoffish/nonchalant attitude, not straying beyond the polite. As we both resume facing outwards, my right eye started straying, giving a double vision like effect. The only way to control it was by closing my left eye.
This morning while listening to Bush, 'Little things', "..I'm addicted to food" same thing happened.

Worried about being a bad role model
I'm taking more chances now, and giving into the burnout meme a lot more these days.
It's starting to backfire in the sense that I'm remembering all the people that look up to me _after_ I've given up on a particular good habit.. What will happen to my younger siblings if I just disappear? Last time wasn't pretty..

Here's the deal: there is the possibility that I may be invited to move to NYC in December.

That's when I graduate and coincidentally a friend of my roommate's gets out of her lease, meaning there might be someone to sublet my apartment.

Now square footage in NY is about 4 times as expensive as I'm used to and it doesn't look like there will be need for much of my possessions.

Now I've been playing around with this burnout meme for a while now, and it's taken pretty good care of me so far this summer.

Even though my pride balked at the notion of selling/storing all my stuff, I see now that it would be in pretty good alignment with the meme for me to basically get rid of all my possessions..

It's just that winter's coming and I don't want the image my parents have of me to freeze into someone 'different'... again.

I also kind of want to keep my possessions, in like a crash pad or something..

My dream was about me exploring, breaking the rules somewhat. It started with me convincing everyone to follow me to this other planet, a place where an official explorer team had been sent before. They were reluctant, since I think it was implied that we were to stay put and wait (which really didn't appeal to me). Anyway, I got them to follow me, but as we arrived and the exploration progressed, my confidence waned.
The team was nowhere to be found, and the place was deserted (not much more fun than the place we were waiting in originally). I ran ahead because I was beginning to get desperate for something to show the group, and I found an old friend, part of the official team. He'd been part of the grade above me in school, and his hair was lighter. He was tearing through a pack of some kind of food, salad or pastry (whatever it was it was meant to be eaten with utensils). I saw him first but he saw me right after. Clearly I would have wanted to hide, there definitely seemed to be something wrong with him. His wild eyes locked on to me and he smiled wide, didn't say anything too intelligent but only moved toward me very slowly if at all. I had time to leave before he could touch me (presumably the hypothesis at this point was that the whole team hadn't reported back because they'd gotten sick or something). I found a very weak member of the crew, an older woman (played by Filomena from work) who was pretty thin and frail. She seemed motionless but was conscious, so I thought it was safe to pick her up and bring her back to the group. They were closer to the exit and would leave when I was ready so I figured if we brought her back we wouldn't be returning empty-handed and at we'd have done good.
As soon as I brought her to show the group, she stirred, still in my arms (I was carrying her like a baby). Soon after opening her eyes, she looked at me, but rather than welcome the smile I was trying to give her, she just reacted to the closeness between us and rabidly bit the space between my neck and left shoulder. Clearly the disease gave her super-strength, or a huge mouth with teeth, 'cause she really tore in there! My reaction was like, 'Ow!!! Dude I thought we were friends!'
I pulled on the hair on the back of her head with my right hand as hard as I could (I had been trying to be nice until then). I don't know what gave it away (the looks on my colleagues faces?) but I realized that I probably then had whatever they had (the disease), and I screamed, "Noooo!"
That's when I woke up, and thought in hindsight that it was similar to the zombie facebook application.

One of my favorite fantasies is.. Get this, imagining others can read my thoughts. You should try it! It does wonders for your politeness!

I mean it's no secret (according to psychology) that people's thoughts influence their behaviors (and vice versa, but that's for another night. Therefore, once you start acting (or thinking, rather) like everyone can hear your thoughts, then you start keeping pretty much all your negative behaviors in check, i.e. road rage, etc. It works especially well for excessively hateful or hypocritical people.

As for the plausibility, well there has been talk and experiential reports of telepathy between very close people. I know, I know, if it were true then obviously someone would jump at the opportunity to 'discover' it for science. Hypothetically speaking, the two main avenues discussed by (admittedly more 'new age' or 'far out' thinkers) have been pheromones and brain-waves. Of these two brain-waves seems the most likely to me, in conjunction with some kind of quantum uncertainty. I mean, in a circuit as complicated as the brain, I bet it wouldn't take much to set a synapse off, which could then theoretically chain react into a specific thought. It requires a leap of faith, but then again all you need is the possibility to let the fantasy take off..

Julia != Julie

My biggest fear right now is that I'm being stupid about my relationship with Julia. It's like I'm either at one extreme or the other, totally nonchalant and playing it cool, or totally clingy and asking for too much. It's just so coincidental, what attracts me about her, that she was married to a guy named Ryan, etc.. Telling myself that I'm older, more mature, and 'ready for it' now is one thing that has helped me believe that I could overcome the pattern this time.

So looking at the positives, I mean it's hard not to get wrapped up in a spiral of attraction, where I just end up wanting like a madman, without really being able to justify it. I don't want to be on the wrong end of unrequited love, either. She's beautiful AND her personality is just unbelievable too! She's sexy and likes sex, I mean that combination is just so rare! We both like eating healthy, and she knows all these recipes and likes to cook!

Super independent kind of gets me sometimes, I mean I don't know anyone who doesn't put themselves first, but I really want for her to want me more. I mean I know she's a lot more experienced in relationships than I am, but I don't want to be just another relationship to her!

So all I can say is that I'm working on believing that this is really an opportunity for a long-lasting and meaningful relationship, and if I let my pattern fears get in the way I'm really going to have blown a huge opportunity! Of course, my emotional armor won't let me get involved if involved means vulnerable, but the fact that I just threw out some of my beliefs to be what she wants kind of scares me in what it seems like I've invested. And we can have a Rabbi if she wants, I just want her.

I think I'm working with types. Or at least incarnations. I think that's what the guy meant in Clockwork Orange, when he keeps referring to his friends/gangmembers as 'droogs'.. In any case, at my work, although there is some kind of strict hierarchy w.r.t to seniority and supervisors, on the other hand there really is only one person from corporate in the whole station (who usually works upstairs) and it's like everyone else in on their own against her (the union vs. corporate). Seems like if they're (we're) all independent it's easier to find archetypes in them. I know, drugs isn't exactly the most p.c. archetype to find (has it even been done yet?) but greek/egyptian planets etc. I don't know that well.

Anyway, we have a major supervisor Lucy, pretty old full-timer, which I attribute to acid (for obvious reasons). Then there's Salvador, who everyone calls Sal (and I call Salvia). There are also groups like the burnouts and the pretty people. Besides that I'm pretty much making it up as I go now, but I'm sure there's others.. It's just how everyone's so independent, makes you sure they have something going on for them, some kind of power or something. Like this girl Mana, I mean her name is the power source for magic-users in WoW!..