Patterns and always having to look on the bright side. On the one hand you can be shizophrenic and get all this confidence because it's like, "Oh, I've been here before" and you can be all smug about what's going to happen.
On the other hand, you always have to either break yourself away from that faith at some point and tell yourself, "No, I've learnt from my mistakes and have improved" in which case you lose consistency with the pattern you were matching with in the first place, or you have to compromise and look further ahead, getting all caught up too.
Oh, the realizations

26
Living alone in my regular place when neighbor David suddenly moves out, leaving me the whole, albeit not that great, apartment next door, much in the fashion of Kate's leaving last summer. I don't dare go into it much at first (since I don't know if or when he'll be back, not te mention how little I know him to begin with) even though I want to when captivated by Mont-Ste-Anne in the summer and want to get continue the angle from his windows. I end up going on some mundane reflex and having crossed the line try and look but end up with a patio view of the neighbors. Shortly thereafter, my brother arrives smiling and refers to some proposition he now agrees to about him living with me I no longer remember. I am less than overjoyed since not only do I no longer have roommates, but the neighbor's place was now mine (much in the fashion of squatter's rights).
Anyway, now he's not only implying that he's grudgingly accepted my offer to move in, but that he doesn't think it would be too much to ask to have me outline the terms in paper and sign it for him. I sigh but know we'll work this out, even if it's just him living next door. In any case, there isn't much time to show off my place before we are invaded with old fiends of the older Soto/Brendan persuasion. While I don't like them, I think they think they aren't smart enough to try and atangonize me so I continue showing off my apartment to them, while Fel goes down to the basement to make a wash. After some kind of trying to get them out or turning of my attention from and back to them, they say, "Sorry about this," implying they didn't have a choice, and spray me with a super soaker. I don't understand but see the act of hostility as a complete act of war on their part and know I can't take them all physically. I don't understand the super soaker until they try to throw a match at me which I dodge and run out of the apartment, which blows up behind me. I run down to the basement as fast as I can, tell my brother they're trying to kill us and tell him I'll meet him at the back door, which is right there. I keep running until I'm outside and relatively safe with the crowd and cops. I watch people coming out waiting for my brother who neven does, not evet after the large group. I see the terrorists have a a larger perimeter and have to escape to the zocalo across the street, where I mingle and continue watching.
Later, I'm sleeping on the couch in a _much_ nicer apartment, but waking up from the previous dream or remembering it as a memory or not even just waking up from restless sleep while not being able to get the experience out of my head since in dream time it just happened. Needless to say I'm quite scared and unable to really feel at home, even though there's so much I might even just take and run away with it. The place is so nice it might be worth defending I begin thinking as I see more of it. The bed appears undone as if I've just slept in it. Finally I get to the balcony, which overlooks a white beach with turquoise waters. It's fall but people are swimming, and I immediately want to go. I don't want to go out the front because I'm so scared, so I don't want to go out at all, but then I soo baby panthers playing in the water, apparently there to be played with, which just makes me want to go more. Start looking for a way to climb down from my balcony, which is annoying since it would break but I really want to go down without taking my eyes off it.

Retrospective feelings: Too scared to see my brother's safety through. Again with the Cain&Abel theme. Too fearful for my self in the new apartment to remember my brother. Sad because actions live longer than posessions. I mean, I no longer have the cool apartment to play with, but I want another chance to change how I would act if responsible for my brother.

09
Running away from zombies or something again. With Matt from work and Flor who was his girl. Had to run down about 17 flights of turning stairs. In the industrial sector of the Des Seigneurs bridge. When finally got outside, I was leading followed by M. F trips, Matt doesn't pick her up even though I tell him to, I stop and get her even though I get a bad feeling about if it means I'm going to get caught.
10
Prom with Deb only she was picking me up and I was late and hungry so I had bro tell me I could have the cake which 'wasn't that good' but I knew only needed water. I liquified it and drank it since I didn't have time.
14
One from a couple of days ago when I'm getting too cool to write these down, where some normal stuff happened then ended up having to walk inte the super far underground parking where you paid for your place by helping dig it deeper, in a neverending vicious cycle.
Tonight's at a holiday Inn planning on staying a few nights, meeting this girl whe already knew me and I unfortunately later found out, Jimmy. They had holodecks, she lived there, was a little less than ok. Mascha at the end. Had to leave, had her stuff as an excuse to see her even though I think her mom saw us, which was bad. Later with guy friends, kept thinking about the girl.

30/06
First, myself living with the couple Mat & Nat. I was failing out of McGill while crushing on an unseen girl. My relationship with Mat was definitely at the silent treatment stage, although he just seemed to want peace and quiet. Nat being over, they spent most of their time hidden. When Mat and I spoke, I was told about his concert, and some partying. Deep down, I was happy he was being foolhardy even though I had no idea if it was affecting his grades. I was secretly happy at the mere possibility that he was going to come down to my level.
Second, back home while mother's away for the evening. Claudia's making a huge honestly unprovoked crisis and generally being spoiled. I feel I give in and up to some degree in my belief that I need sleep and the fact that a girl I'm crushing on, Aly, is being over. We retire to separate beds and with all the ambiguous feelings towards a relationship where I have no idea what making a move would cause. Probably nothing special. Next morning, I find Dan sleeping in front of the computer who's almost dead, poor kid was too scared of his sister to sleep upstairs. I tell on my sister. As things wake up, my world consists of three people: (Mom and the young'ins are presumably out of the picture) My brother and Pam, his girlfriend, and Aly, who seems to be with them. My brother feels all important ever since my fall, and his girl potentiates that at least a little. The night before I was accused by my sister of chewing pot leaves, which I dismissed as ridiculous, possibly the reason for her crisis. This morning, probably because my sister told him, my brother makes the same accusation. The only difference is that his word holds a lot more weight than my sister's and even more so ever since my fall. My mother would believe him simply because he's contradicting me, not to mention pot being central to my fall. I feel it would be grossly cost inefficient to try and convince my mother beyond a doubt that I truly have no attraction to cannabis. The truth is I have come to accept that there is a cognitive deficit, albeit reversible, associated with it's _use_, and cognitive ability is first and foremost one of my most important priorities. Therefore, it would be contradictory to my nature to still want pot after I've come to accept it's 'blunting' effect. My mother's image of me, however, is, in practice, very difficult to change.

27
Bad one. Some kind of prom with Brendan and people from work thrown in. Kept being aloof and missing F. Everyone is leaving but at last minute Sharon tells me she has a room so we can go too. Finding is hard but I'm attracted to the idea of sex, since it's better than no sex. The hotel clerk recognizes me when he reads a different name as mine on the reservation. Am I to pay for the room? Getting to the room fills with a lot of others, including Manny, who I may have inadvertedly led to believe I was going to sleep with. He matter-of-factly tells me we're going to fool around, and I'm embarrassed since I've agreed to follow him even though B, his family and who I'd think were my peers are straight. I lose him by going faster and eventually sleep in a random bed. In retrospect, the feeling of being less than these is like the 13th's dream, but with the roles reversed. I guess you somehow have a way of telling if you're retarded.

Alien invasion. Slugs with a conscience. Their superiority complex was justified by their overcoming of overpopulation or single best place. Surrounding us, gradually thinning out our numbers without any seeming engagement. When we reached a critically low number, I made a break for it. Their overconfidence wouldn't allow them to run, so I lost them by the time I reached the car lot. Broke a car window even though it would attract attention. Unable to hotwire, trying most of the red-other color wire combinations. Tried again in a convertible Audi, but while it was more user-friendly, it also seemed more tamper-proof. Making compromises but not succeeding, even in company of ML. Wake up right before trying the PA zebra. After staying up long enough to blaming ML for his inability, return to the dream with the case that he should know. He remembers and goes for it but I only keep up with him long enough to see he uses special keys. He gets it alright, but takes a girl in a two seater and leaves me with wasted time.
The aliens are marching closer, and the cars are getting sparser.