I'm starting a new short story about a boy robot who lives in the technoparc. It's set in the not too distant future where cars drive themselves, etc. One day he makes an online purchase and gets ripped off so he goes after the money and it takes him to Mars and beyond.

The patterns in my life are...
The more I try and break out of them the less they let me believe them later when I want to.

Tonight was exactly like the winter day 2001, sitting home alone watching super good cable and my dad came over to fix my broken window. I just laughed at the synchronicity, with an cruel and vengeful streak in there. I took pleasure in the fear my gain in knowledge was eliciting. Feeling super entitled, cool and attractive, much more so than in the 20 years previous of my life, and not ever stopping to question why. Rather like making the wrong decision after finding a 1000$ in your jacket and deciding to make a run for it instead of doing the right thing.

I know it's wrong to take pleasure in other people's fear (even stupid wrong because they might be lulling me into a false sense of security, since I don't know why they're scared). But the power is so attractive.. I sometimes do volunteer work just for the power it entails. *shame*...

I'm sorry about it, I want to do the right thing. I will declare the correct amounts on my next tax return, but I don't know what else is truly wrong (not being grateful enough?) and even that is gray. I thank the people who gave me this job and the opportunity to feel this cool by giving back, respecting in the way I believe counts and giving of my time. I need a job, so I'm not about to quit but I don't think devoting my life and giving too much of my time is the smart thing to do.

I remember one day after the break, asking them to just tell me what to do. His parents were fighting and that was all he knew. Not wanting to do anything, remaining silent because of the future. It's as if money can't buy the gratitude and hard work my parents expect from me. I can meander and be super good for the environment at that grocery store but my mother won't be proud 'cause she knows it's the easy way out. Not reaching my full potential.