Lately I realized that I somehow stumbled into the role of Ford Prefect from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I acquired a satchel, and I feel like I'm using the guide when I'm using my phone or ipod. All I need now is the ability to flag down a flying saucer and I'll be all set.

Today was my day off, and I was lazy, guilty, hedonistic, went further than I have in a long time, and basically put more into question when I should have been solidifying the tried and true foundations of planning and working for my future.
I want to believe in an open minded society, but there is so little proof and when I do meet people who seem to believe, their reasons are so out of reach it is hard to want to be with them and society. I feel anti-social, and unwanted by others such as the people I meet on the bus, which I take pleasure in since I could be taking the car but I feel like the bus is 'greener'..
Things were pretty weird at some point earlier today. After I gave in to so many of my temptations and just did every even though so many details were not exactly OK, telling myself I only get one day off a week.. Except I feel like I spent more than a week's worth of work already.. So, better end this now before I let myself wallow any longer. It's done, and although I do kind of long to be with other people, I want them to want me.

Long dream where I was at a cottage yearning for attention and/or commitment from the friend but they were more interested in other friends. Interestingly the friend that the dream friend most reminded me of i.r.l. I hadn't talked to in so long and just happened to IM me out of the blue this morning. Last parts were of a smoldering forest, only recalled any after keeping myself hidden.. Shocked out of my skin by this image:

I like to think a possible heaven on earth is after I've solved the problem of finite time and resources I'll be able to create art and novelty, study the science of nature and explore the universe.
Today's thought theme was "the common goal": how other people are useful for helping and how it feels better than average being part of a joint effort. I want to opt-in to people's rules 'cause I want things that happen to erode and I am not clear on how to build bridges.
I want my thought contribution to be excellent it it's own way. I also want to be able to retreat to a place of sustainable stasis whenever and for however long...
Another common goal was the automation of child rearing. Seems that if it would be possible to build a
machine that could read thoughts or put itself in a baby's shoes after we solved the problem of infinite resources for everyone then the only thing the baby could possibly cry about would be wanting other people.

These days I wonder if it might just be me.. Seems like everything's changing.. Maybe I'm just being extra sensitive to the change. Don't get me wrong, I like change, it's just that it invariably begs the question, appealing to one's pride and ego, "How can I control this change so that I'd .."
I still want to be with you, more than so many of the the only things I can know why (?)

It's hard to believe that _I_ could be too hard on my own self, but it's like I make promises to myself, "Oh after this I will let myself buy such-and-such." Which I still think are 'guilty pleasures' when the time comes. I'm all about not giving in to temptation when I'm home, like I'm making up for past crimes all the time. It's not like any amount of work will ever satisfy the guilt, since nothing can change the past.
Ok, more concretely, should I be looking for a better job?

http://www.designboom.com/weblog/index.php
Recently it seems like the ever expanding model of the universe is a particularly fitting metaphor. Now I don't want to sound depressing but it just seems like I'm only every growing further apart from other people, when what I really want is to get closer. I'm also not being chauvinistic when I say I'm not particularly obsessed with one person, I'm not trying to be arrogant by saying all this very stereotypical to me stuff about free love and let's all love each other, relationships can be very serious, what with stds and possible heartbreaks, etc. what with coming from different cultures, etc. Going off topic a little, I had a rather iffy (like this isn't necessarily politically correct and/or might be little too costly for me) feeling from the beginning. It seems like there were more and more something, you'll have to forgive my half attention span due to watching something else.

http://ffffound.com/image/b792d0dac26ac6209e1fd262382b9389d3ddaeb0

http://ffffound.com/image/78d699fa2ca18ff51435b2bac8c282be51592c87

So I want thinking about breathing last night, seems like humans do it, plants do it, but nothing man-made (i.e. machines) do it. Plants and humans complement themselves very well by producing what each other uses, but I think most of the air is still nitrogen. So, if we could build a filter that would separate nitrogen from the air, we could have cars that run on nitrogen in much the same way they use nitro boosts for racing. Then ideally the output would be oxygen and carbon dioxide, so that everyone would be happy! ;)
Also had a nice flying dream last night, flying down the hall of someone's building after doing delivery (even though I haven't worked there in almost 6 months). I knew it was the wrong floor,and something was wrong with my eyes as I flew (my right eye was going out of focus and being crossed, causing me to steering to the left). Something about how pilots' main requirement is 20/20 vision.
Cute

I have a new website (basically migrated my cs@mcgill account) on my computer, which means I don't use a webserver, but on the other hand is only available when my computer's connected to the internet (not that often since I put it to sleep when I'm not around).

Recent dream about living in the wild, as a small tribe of folks who had guns, trying to fend for themselves in competition with and largely outnumbered by the other tribe, who was aggressive for some reason.

Almost made it, but they overtook us at the end. Listening to the Cranberries' song Zombie now, it seems particularly fitting, as I felt like it mirrored the situation I find myself in sometimes trying to make decisions not to feel desolate.

Things on my mind these days:

-Does tailgating an 18-wheeler on the highway reduce wind resistance significantly?
-When people say drugs are illegal because of money, I think they're right, but not for the reason some people are so fond of conspiring (drugs cartels are paying the govt). I think that it's because consciously or subconsciously, the wiser majority has seen that (some) illegal drugs just aren't sustainable, neither micro or macro-economically. That is, they cost more to produce than could ever be worth it to consume. In this environment, anyway. [Edit: just a theory, not sure how I like it yet, don't bite my head off.
-If I'd ever admit to being sad (big if) it would have to be because there's so much I want to do. For example, I want to do as little work as possible (or at least work on my own terms, and work on what I want, as opposed to being forced to work to sustain myself, "for a living"). Yet, there's a lot of luxury I want to experience..

Deja vu while looking up stuff I missed from class because I was surfing the web for personal interest. Its perspective was so harsh, treating me like a new freshman (I get that a lot this semester), that I blamed the prof. I've felt this way before, my first semester. Not a good memory, changing it this time..

Patterns update: Feel like I'm reliving my senior year of high school.. :(

It's weird, for the past several days, no matter how late I've gone to bed the night before, how upside down my sleep schedule has been, and most peculiarly, no matter how long I wish to toss and turn in the morning, every single time I get up to check the time on my watch (I know, no alarm clock is an annoying trailing habit I should break.. just find me a suitable one)..

Right so anyway, every day for the past several days when I've gone to check the time it's been exactly 8 am (or 9 this weekend I think, point is the exactness), Exactly! It's like I have a virtual wake up call!

Making the right decision: Expected Value Theory:

The worst that can happen:

Oh, I won't write about that, I mean let's not be pessimists here. So there's not getting good enough grades in school, which leads to not graduating and having my whole mom's side of the family be disappointed in me. Dad too, probably. Then there's not making probation (they have all they need to use against me) and getting fired from my job, which would have all of Dad's side disappointed in me.
Now, I want to say, let's add insult to injury. Is having people be disappointed in me really the worst that can happen? Well when you consider how many favors I'm asking, me the one who never asks, it seems pretty important.

The best that can happen:

Shh.. You'll jinx it! I guess it's a good sign that disappointing people is the worst thing I think can happen to me.

New post, to get all that negativity off the front page. Printer problems, I don't get it, I didn't change anything?
It's already thanksgiving here, so thanks to all the people in my life who've helped make me who I am today. I'm especially thankful to the people who were patient with me when I gave them undue attention while I learnt from their good influence. My roommates, etc.

Listening to GYBE always has such an emotional effect on me.. I'm listening to one of their good ones now, don't even know which one, and just talking about it is giving me glow. What I was feeling earlier was this very wistful, listless feeling, remembering the days when I was in high school, possibly because I tried to pull the old switcharoo on David who just logged on. By pulling it on him I of course mean completely unbeknownst to him, as I was just exploring the reverse world pattern where he would be exactly the way I was back in high school and I'd be how he was.
In any case, a very fall-like feeling, not knowing where my life is going, feeling like this all or nothing meme is going to get its bluff called soon. Winter's looming and it's not enticing to me to be homeless.. I feel like it's the reverse world pattern with Julia though, with her calling me, etc. She has so much stuff, if she were a little more flexible I could really change her. Now though I feel like it's a good opportunity but I'm being morose about it.

Dreamt that I was being careless as I've been fearing.. Hedonistic, testing how little work I can do before getting kicked out/fired.

----

Dreamt that I was taking the train away from the airport. It was somehow not what I supposed to do given my job, but I didn't want to wait on the plane. As we left the vicinity of the airport it started getting real quite and I had to grudgingly admit that it was a nice way to travel.

Recently since I've been relaxing my strict diet (at an alarming rate) with the rationalization that I'm still just nearing average, I've found that halving a lot of the hedonism I've engaged in has unexpected results. They may only be a co-occurring effect, but the meme that letting go of savings and planning and 'living for the moment' has led to many spur of the moment decisions, which in turn lead to feeling less in control of my schedule.
Last week it felt like although I spent an outrageous 4-5$ (that would be 4-5$ more than I've spent in the past 3 years combined). I feel like Kate, a semester shy of graduating (and that's flattering me), but not caring and needing administrative McGill staff to call her at home to remind her.
The homeless meme makes so much sense, even though it's quite scary and depressing, not to mention completely out of question given my family and upbringing.
One constant since I moved back after my first year (so many things changed, like I should have a label for that specific time, after adolescence) is dreams recording, I'm quite proud of that.

Longish dream for the realtime amount, with little substance, sadly. From what I can remember, (the end mostly) it was long overtime at work, waiting for something. I was rather enjoying it, it felt like a storm day at school, which meant not enough attendance to do actual work. Near the end I was planning on going to get refreshments (mostly junk food being at the airport and all) and was letting coworkers know (of which there was only SN). Starting up the DVD menu for a movie, talked about Quicktime a little.
I commented, in my more mac-affiliated perspective, that I thought the name was pretty cool. Spent entirely too much time trying to convey how those two words, neither of which had anything to do with video, really, combined to give a name that was now ingrained in my mind as referring to the video program on Mac.
The DVD menu for that movie was of a guy (not the focal point) riding a giant panther (the focal point) like in warcraft, such that the camera was following the panther, and none of the terrain was visible. Basically you just had a panther running in mid-air.
I mention some passing remark to cover-up why I thought quicktime was cool from so long ago, without explaining how long I've known about it. The question then became what I'd had about the pigs scene in Lion King (memory really fuzzy around here) to which I tried to reply what I'd already had but with more, emphasis, breaking down midway and laughing it off, "..Phew, I was all over the place on that one, let me go get what I wanted and I'll be back and I can explain everything in detail.."

Dreamt that I was in a hard place, like it was an inappropriate time to indulge (as it always seems to be, these days - not that the ever increasing guilt is in anyway hindering the effectiveness of the temptation.. Sometimes I think it's encouraging me). Like I think I was at work, at the gate or something, and I had to wait. So I was waiting, but still...

Anyway, I see Vinicius. I haven't seen him in about 6-7 years, he's changed, and I'm not too sure it's him. I have to look him in the eyes a while trying to recognize, but not making progress. Besides, I'm not even really sure I'd want to talk to him, even if I was sure it was him, we didn't exactly leave on good terms.

So we kind of nod at each other, acknowledging some level of recognition, which could be anywhere from his remembering who I am to his just nodding at me 'cause I'm in his way. I get on with him and we drive around, never mentioning the past. I forsake some of my responsibilities to spend more time, but in the end we split before we can really do anything.

I've narrowed down getting the feeling of warm glow on my forehead to:

1) Something definitely dependent on other people, most usually when they are very focused or exerting themselves a lot. If I disturb them, or otherwise make them think I'm not 'with' them, the feeling fades.
2) Something that results from listening to powerful songs, usually ambient and entrancing.

It feels so good, I try to give that feeling to others when applicable, my method being just willing them to feel it.

Deja vu is more common, still melancholy. It's like they're things I've done before, combined with the feeling of foreboding concerning my failed attempt at burning out and the resulting ever-present guilt (which I get the feeling won't simply disappear after I have) make it hard to enjoy the wonder.
Latest was while writing the following sentence in a text file I'm venting in right now:
"I don’t blame her, but trading my low-fat diet for her reason in favor of high-fat meals without.."
I'm listening to GYBE, "12.28.99", and I was getting the glow (getting it again now) but it faded during the deja vu (since I'd presumably done this before, which is of no interest to them).

Dream that I went to Osheaga or some kind of festival like that in the usual tag along w/ Th and them. I was on stage at some point and the performers gave me a look pointing to some of kids on stage, taking the spotlight. I passed that look onto security but he was like, "They're just kids" thinking I was taking matters into my own hands. They left.
As the show progressed we threw paint into the crowd and body surfed by just standing. Then after while it was another band I bought a nice watch which defaulted in the color pink but was color changeable. Now I don't remember if I started wearing or not but I spent the rest of the dream looking for the color change.
After they filled the audience area with water and had people drive around in cars, which floated in the dream. My old bosses from PA were like, "I'm glad he don't have access to our truck no more." Later I spend some time at Julia's but I have to go get my half done things (like my car still parked somewhere near the festival). I'm driving the econoline truck down the street when all of a sudden two zapatistas open fire on the car in front of me. I guess it was because it was a cop car, but an econoline is still commercial so I was worried. In any case, didn't get to find the car, woke up.*

*: Woke up freaking out because I thought I'd overslept. (I don't know if it's the shortening days or starting an hour earlier, but I was late for work yesterday.) Before going back to bed before this dream, I'd imagined Sal's voice telling me, "Call me when you're done with this, ok?" and right after waking, before looking at the time, I hear him, "ok".

Weird feeling of my eyes failing me..
First happened when I first met/was introduced to Flor, I maintained my usual standoffish/nonchalant attitude, not straying beyond the polite. As we both resume facing outwards, my right eye started straying, giving a double vision like effect. The only way to control it was by closing my left eye.
This morning while listening to Bush, 'Little things', "..I'm addicted to food" same thing happened.

Worried about being a bad role model
I'm taking more chances now, and giving into the burnout meme a lot more these days.
It's starting to backfire in the sense that I'm remembering all the people that look up to me _after_ I've given up on a particular good habit.. What will happen to my younger siblings if I just disappear? Last time wasn't pretty..

Here's the deal: there is the possibility that I may be invited to move to NYC in December.

That's when I graduate and coincidentally a friend of my roommate's gets out of her lease, meaning there might be someone to sublet my apartment.

Now square footage in NY is about 4 times as expensive as I'm used to and it doesn't look like there will be need for much of my possessions.

Now I've been playing around with this burnout meme for a while now, and it's taken pretty good care of me so far this summer.

Even though my pride balked at the notion of selling/storing all my stuff, I see now that it would be in pretty good alignment with the meme for me to basically get rid of all my possessions..

It's just that winter's coming and I don't want the image my parents have of me to freeze into someone 'different'... again.

I also kind of want to keep my possessions, in like a crash pad or something..

My dream was about me exploring, breaking the rules somewhat. It started with me convincing everyone to follow me to this other planet, a place where an official explorer team had been sent before. They were reluctant, since I think it was implied that we were to stay put and wait (which really didn't appeal to me). Anyway, I got them to follow me, but as we arrived and the exploration progressed, my confidence waned.
The team was nowhere to be found, and the place was deserted (not much more fun than the place we were waiting in originally). I ran ahead because I was beginning to get desperate for something to show the group, and I found an old friend, part of the official team. He'd been part of the grade above me in school, and his hair was lighter. He was tearing through a pack of some kind of food, salad or pastry (whatever it was it was meant to be eaten with utensils). I saw him first but he saw me right after. Clearly I would have wanted to hide, there definitely seemed to be something wrong with him. His wild eyes locked on to me and he smiled wide, didn't say anything too intelligent but only moved toward me very slowly if at all. I had time to leave before he could touch me (presumably the hypothesis at this point was that the whole team hadn't reported back because they'd gotten sick or something). I found a very weak member of the crew, an older woman (played by Filomena from work) who was pretty thin and frail. She seemed motionless but was conscious, so I thought it was safe to pick her up and bring her back to the group. They were closer to the exit and would leave when I was ready so I figured if we brought her back we wouldn't be returning empty-handed and at we'd have done good.
As soon as I brought her to show the group, she stirred, still in my arms (I was carrying her like a baby). Soon after opening her eyes, she looked at me, but rather than welcome the smile I was trying to give her, she just reacted to the closeness between us and rabidly bit the space between my neck and left shoulder. Clearly the disease gave her super-strength, or a huge mouth with teeth, 'cause she really tore in there! My reaction was like, 'Ow!!! Dude I thought we were friends!'
I pulled on the hair on the back of her head with my right hand as hard as I could (I had been trying to be nice until then). I don't know what gave it away (the looks on my colleagues faces?) but I realized that I probably then had whatever they had (the disease), and I screamed, "Noooo!"
That's when I woke up, and thought in hindsight that it was similar to the zombie facebook application.

One of my favorite fantasies is.. Get this, imagining others can read my thoughts. You should try it! It does wonders for your politeness!

I mean it's no secret (according to psychology) that people's thoughts influence their behaviors (and vice versa, but that's for another night. Therefore, once you start acting (or thinking, rather) like everyone can hear your thoughts, then you start keeping pretty much all your negative behaviors in check, i.e. road rage, etc. It works especially well for excessively hateful or hypocritical people.

As for the plausibility, well there has been talk and experiential reports of telepathy between very close people. I know, I know, if it were true then obviously someone would jump at the opportunity to 'discover' it for science. Hypothetically speaking, the two main avenues discussed by (admittedly more 'new age' or 'far out' thinkers) have been pheromones and brain-waves. Of these two brain-waves seems the most likely to me, in conjunction with some kind of quantum uncertainty. I mean, in a circuit as complicated as the brain, I bet it wouldn't take much to set a synapse off, which could then theoretically chain react into a specific thought. It requires a leap of faith, but then again all you need is the possibility to let the fantasy take off..

Julia != Julie

My biggest fear right now is that I'm being stupid about my relationship with Julia. It's like I'm either at one extreme or the other, totally nonchalant and playing it cool, or totally clingy and asking for too much. It's just so coincidental, what attracts me about her, that she was married to a guy named Ryan, etc.. Telling myself that I'm older, more mature, and 'ready for it' now is one thing that has helped me believe that I could overcome the pattern this time.

So looking at the positives, I mean it's hard not to get wrapped up in a spiral of attraction, where I just end up wanting like a madman, without really being able to justify it. I don't want to be on the wrong end of unrequited love, either. She's beautiful AND her personality is just unbelievable too! She's sexy and likes sex, I mean that combination is just so rare! We both like eating healthy, and she knows all these recipes and likes to cook!

Super independent kind of gets me sometimes, I mean I don't know anyone who doesn't put themselves first, but I really want for her to want me more. I mean I know she's a lot more experienced in relationships than I am, but I don't want to be just another relationship to her!

So all I can say is that I'm working on believing that this is really an opportunity for a long-lasting and meaningful relationship, and if I let my pattern fears get in the way I'm really going to have blown a huge opportunity! Of course, my emotional armor won't let me get involved if involved means vulnerable, but the fact that I just threw out some of my beliefs to be what she wants kind of scares me in what it seems like I've invested. And we can have a Rabbi if she wants, I just want her.

I think I'm working with types. Or at least incarnations. I think that's what the guy meant in Clockwork Orange, when he keeps referring to his friends/gangmembers as 'droogs'.. In any case, at my work, although there is some kind of strict hierarchy w.r.t to seniority and supervisors, on the other hand there really is only one person from corporate in the whole station (who usually works upstairs) and it's like everyone else in on their own against her (the union vs. corporate). Seems like if they're (we're) all independent it's easier to find archetypes in them. I know, drugs isn't exactly the most p.c. archetype to find (has it even been done yet?) but greek/egyptian planets etc. I don't know that well.

Anyway, we have a major supervisor Lucy, pretty old full-timer, which I attribute to acid (for obvious reasons). Then there's Salvador, who everyone calls Sal (and I call Salvia). There are also groups like the burnouts and the pretty people. Besides that I'm pretty much making it up as I go now, but I'm sure there's others.. It's just how everyone's so independent, makes you sure they have something going on for them, some kind of power or something. Like this girl Mana, I mean her name is the power source for magic-users in WoW!..

Sobering up with the postmature baby. Last november I pretty much crashed and renounced my 'role-models' because I despised the idea that I should like to be more like any other man than myself.. That any other man should be 'the man' for any length of time was totally unacceptable to me, at that exact moment. I kept renouncing, and men kept stepping up. I ended up quite lost, with some kind of resentment for all other men in my heart. Right now my position has mollified somewhat, although I still wish to be at best neutral with respect to other men. I want the company of women (although that extreme has proven to be less than ideal as well) and I understand the appeal of having male friends (army, people who are like you and want to work towards the common goal).

My goals stay similar to always. Alone, I can control my perception of the world more easily. I want to explore and have a businesslike and clear-cut relationship with other men. I want power over them, violent power, yet I don't want that to even be a remote possibility, much less a necessity, since I would choose peace across the board if possible (isn't that how it is in paradise?).

16

Starting work at Buffalo. Can barely stay awake 'cause I came straight. I want to go wash hands. The other guys either want to train me or give me lower jobs (which I'd normally try and prove I can sell and am better than) I dress myself in things from the store and then put them away. I can literally barely remember where I took the stuff. and just keeping my eyes open is hard. A customer comes in.

Cut to talking about delivery job w/ Matt ('cause I thought i was 'generating' him too) and he says I still need the paper (i.e. writing them down) if I'm not going to do that forever (i.e. work at P.A.) while I pack order (grapes underneath) because: "The main drug is needy"..

25 night of 24 June

"You're within 24 hours of being arrested," the fully dressed FBI agent compassionately says kneeling beside my lying body in my bed.

"On what charge?"

"Let me show you:"

Quotes by 'Adolfo' on the internet: *begin forwarded message*

So I run.

9 Jul

Running around a hotel gaining p on guests as the last king of scotland. Super pumped on a drug that hypes you up but makes you sooo cold too (going up elevator, having to run from bad guys constantly too).

19

In the Amazon, working odd jobs (and the gap between the rich and poor is worse). National Geographic awards go to the house with the most water. Playing with turtle and croc in the water, huge, no fear.

21

My bed looks like gently lapping waves.

31

Dreamt of an episode of Home Improvement. Wanting to buy an outside rocking chair but he's already gotten one (Wilson) a long time ago, Tim didn't even know his neighbor well enough to know that. It was the last episode and as everyone sat on the rocker you could see Wilson's face.

Sometimes I think I can palpably love someone to point where they feel it with just my thoughts..
This comes to me from the feeling I get when I listen to certain songs with a certain mindset.
Granted, there's more to love than just a warm glow on your forehead, but I want to believe it's not just a closed circuit between the music and I.
I guess skepticism deserves its reputation for cynicism. Everything I like so much about belief, synchronicity and telepathy, the proof is too beautiful to remember sometimes.

When I was young I wanted to be famous. Maybe it's because I still didn't understand that you can't think you're better than someone without creating a superior/inferior relationship, which I try to downplay these days.

I think a lush edenic garden where everything is abundant and free, with an internet connection..

"You keep me on the ground.." I mean

Here's a pic of my sister and I last time I went to QC to visit my family.

Shot four times in my right shoulder last night.. Just like in T2

My interesting dream recently was another stormy and rainy night though.. "This life thing is over" somebody said, and that pretty much summed up the theme of it. I was at a red light, going to the set of my job. The people in the car beside me gun the engine and pass me by far, I'm frustrated but let them go. As I follow them I see they have a huge cage tied to the top of their car. I regret getting mad at them now, since if they unleashed that thing on me I would definitely not want to get any closer.

It looks like a huge bat in there and I'm wondering what kind of sick goths are driving that car. We end up at the same place and I'm just glad that thing is still in it's cage. It turns out to be a koala, but it's still pretty scary the way it looks at me..w

It all started when I was home alone and I started getting strange clues that someone was getting into my apartment. I would be sure noone was home, but then I'd find a pack of food out of place, etc. I was getting scared, 'cause why was someone in my house? What were they waiting for to make their presence known? I mean, the only thing that they could be waiting this long for (to actually get hungry waiting and have to take some of my food) would be something they didn't want me to know about.

So I got the bright idea to have a sleepover and invite lots of people. My two roommates came, and they invited their friends, and the night passed by quickly 'cause I didn't really know them so I didn't really talk to them (not social, I know). I was so happy when I realized you were there, though! It was near the end of the night (3-4 in the morning) and you were lying in my roommate's room. I'm sure it would have been fine for you to crash anywhere, but I wanted you to sleep in my room, and since you were my friend I thought it was for sure you would have to.

[Note: I often do things in my dreams that are "childish" or 'impulsive', like giving in to my desires without giving them much higher thought. In retrospect I find the way I 'forced' you to wake up and come sleep in my room wrong and borderline antisocial since the most social people I know don't focus on one person but let people be themselves. Maybe I missed out on the opportunity to sleep with someone who was still awake and interested in me and wanted to talk and hold each other or something. Sorry for the sex.]

So I put you in my room. I went back out to find a friend of yours who was still awake and wanted to sleep (it was arranged for my room). When we came back you were on my bed but sideways so we didn't have place. So I had to wake you up again, and this time we got ready for bed (brush teeth, etc.) You were on the far left, then your friend, then me. I thought I knew the friend, but it wasn't the only person I could think of since she was much older. I was disappointed 'cause I wanted to sleep next to you. [Again, in hindsight, I wasn't thinking of your bf obligations at all.] You just gave me a look, like, 'it's for the best'. So we fell asleep, and the last thing I said before we were supposed to fall asleep was, 'Mmm, wouldn't it be good to have some of that cake they had earlier?' (One of the people had made a cake and there was lots left) and I turn to look at you and you both are like, 'what do you mean, THIS cake?' and you were both EATING SOME and offering me some!! I refused even though I wanted some lots. I wanted to go back on my decision but I have this thing where if I make a decision I find it really hard to trust someone enough to let them know I changed my mind. Then I thought, I'd have to brush my teeth again, etc.. So I basically just wasted your time wanting some and having you try to convince me to let you give me some.

Finally after falling asleep I regained my confidence and started flying (literally levitating two feet off the ground) from my room to the kitchen super fast. Unfortunately when I got there I noticed a bag of popcorn in the microwave, unpopped. This was after everyone was gone, so I started getting really scared the intruder from the beginning was back again. Then I woke up.

Recent dreams (copied from notes)
Feb 17 2007 - March 11 2007

Breaking into PA's empty highrise, running into someone carrying a TV. Panicking while holding and knowing the cops are coming. Working for my sheets.
Recently breaking out of prison.

In prison.. They're busting an animal out right after he and I got convicted so I can come too. I should place a a playing walkman by the phone in case they call to check out while I'm escaping. The breaker-in has to face major hurdles. A guard (who wakes up from the tranq right and and offers hints for the next) a snake and a fog after. Can't seem to hit the snake w/ the tranq.

I'm really scared of getting caught. The prison psychologist comes to pay me a visit (like he'll do every day), I get cable and am watching a show, the simpson's, where homer has a monkey on a rope, who gets twisted and becomes an antennae or something. Homer takes credit for going that on purpose. That's when the psychologist comes in, asks me about the show, what do humans want to be (if not animals). I don't answer, others animals are in balls like antelopes, now brains are in them. He leaves, after saying, "Welcome" and meaning it, etc.

I set up and everything and get really scared 'cause if I get caught I'll lose more (cable, phone) and surely be watched closer against further attempts to break out. Go to work (catching the bus gets me off the island). JP strangely nice (reads my mind for a Q I was going to ask). Also smoke pot w/ people 'cause I didn't want to miss/lose track of them. (I knew this was the first time in like 3 years (felt like more) and I really didn't want to.)

BTW escaping was returning to the life in the mob. As I was following an older guy in another car, he lets me patrol the next street. When I decline and go though an alley to finish the job I had (celine, sp?) he says, " Well, you're going to have to find your own territory if you don't want to do this here." (the if before the then). And I remember how scare/hard finding my own territory is.
\

March 5th 2007

First long dream where Dan has an episode on Datura (not really, but I don't remember the reason he wasn't himself).

He just kept asking for the drugs until we met up w/ Matt again.

Swam across from Mtl to Nun's Island, and mat's like, "too bad, it is super toxic."

Getting him away from the party solved his asking me for drugs. but going back w/ Matt now in charge.

I wasn't exactly 'cool' and asked a question which got no answer.

In the other room everything is there (except for me, matt, Dan and a better friend of the host [looked like Dana]) (he's who I asked).

Other room: people (I'm afraid of) are Rachel and her friends lost of ppl inl. guys. Playing video games (think maybe risk, but the fights are real). Noah's in the bathroom and Rachel's getting beat up.

Ah! What a nightmare! I dreamt that I was being held down, struggling with all my might but they were too many, as they wanted to cut my eyelashes, "for my own good"!

Happy New Year!
I opened X-mas gifts with my family last night, while having lots of people over for a party. I have to say I wasn't as social as I could have been, but I had to ask myself if I really wanted to..
From my sister I got a super nice Buffalo zip-up hoodie, she sure has taste.
From my brother I got a nice woolen sweater and from my other brother some DVDs.
I'm happy with everything!
My New Year's Resolutions are to go to the gym at least once every two weeks and complain less.

To start 2007 off on the right foot I'm planning some long-term goals, concretely. I'm placing a little less importance on superstitions but more on my heart. I'm going to be nicer and more patient with people, especially this current less than gentlemanly trend I've been expressing.

Here are a few of the new songs/podcasts I've been listening to recently:

GT vs. Project C, most of their mixes are available for download in the forum by the same name, I recommend 11, 15 and 18 if you like vocal trance.

Just Good Music Podcast (available in the Itunes podcast directory): Episode "Best of 2005", the last song (20min mark).

I've also been watching the "Yoga Today" vodcast. They are large downloads but top notch quality. Some of that stuff is hard!

It's like I'm in the twilight zone or something!
When I regret something it projects back into the past as a warning which, since the regret comes after the fact, doesn't warn me on time. Rather, I want to learn from my mistake as a whole and not focus on the details. Project that back in time as a stand-alone framework lesson and not a situation specific regret.

Synchronicity convinced me I am right to think it's not as easy as some atheists would have you believe, hehe..
I mean sure, physics can precisely and minutely describe everything that happened since the big bang but if you stop there then that really isn't any better since if you can't explain the big bang then nothing is stopping anything else from happening and being "Big Bang #2" or something..
Besides, there are a whole slew of things, from the quantum molecular level to the light-bending-around-stars magnitude that physics can't account for and could easily explain a great number of 'paranormal' phenomena that people usually dismiss out of hand instead of being a little more tolerant.
Now I'm not advocating joining Heaven's Gate or anything like that, but can we please open our eyes and start taking a look at this stuff instead of spending so much time and money killing each other in Iraq?

Whoa, I can't be sure it was a dream (but where else could I remember this from?) but I remember reading that my idea was accepted into the Global Ideas Bank recently, and lo and behold this morning I get an e-mail from them saying just that!

Click Here to see it!

More on the story. I just realized how similar to Hypnic's description of his dream, when he had an OBE:
"Next I was flying towards the back of my head, from the direction of the sun. I entered my brain and began paging through my memories, having no clue who I was. At the same time I was freaking out because I didn’t know how to interface with this reality properly and it felt permanent."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Flammarion.jpg

My Goals : Sustainability & Exploration

I. Sustainability means living in harmony with nature and others such that all my basic needs are met. Anything possible is available in unlimited quantities at nobody's expense.

II. Exploration means going out and finding new places and ideas. Settling in other places, building a sustainable system while preserving the original state of affairs. Getting to know new people and developing new abilities for communication.

Ouch!
I totally got beaten up in my dream last night.. and I didn't evn fight back. Didn't hurt as much as I thought. I tried closing my fist as hard as I could to show him how big it was but he could break it by closing his hand over it. Also dreamt about telling my old Math 314 prof, I shouldn't hold grudges like that.

The solution to growing social isolation caused by perpetual iPod use

So the other day I was imagining what it would be like if everyone on the bus could hear the music I was listening to when I got the idea for the next ipod.
They already have iTrip, a little device that you connect to your ipod to let it broadcast to a local radio station. All they have to do is miniaturize it by designing it to broadcast only to other ipods. Wouldn't it be cool for the whole subway car to be tuned in to the same dj's playlist?

Reality Gloves.

In this story, people use bodies to handle this universe similarly to how scientists use glove boxes.



Noone's very conscious of this fact, or this story wouldn't be quite as fantastic. In fact, very few people ever stopped to wonder where they come from and why they're here. Sure, everyone had heard of those questions, such as how exactly something as material as a body could be controlled by something as immaterial as a mind, but they were usually waved off and left to realm of philosophy and theology.

After all, it didn't make much sense to risk everything just to know something you'd eventually figure out anyway, right?

But in this story, every so often someone would resurface on their own. Everyone had their own methods, none of them very appealing to the general populace, who by and large accepted that the price to pay for wearing these gloves was total amnesia with regards to your higher self.

Resurfacing, my first instinct was going back. Diving back down, I now had to find my body. Of course it was effortless, all I really had to do was let go. But trying to understand the decisions that were being made for me was interesting. There was the me from other times, the me that had made different decisions, a infinite number of me's..

Perhaps the most interesting, however was the scene I witnessed while trying to reach you.















to be continued...

I wish that what I want to believe is true.

I want to be great at disciplining my thoughts. I want to have an excellent memory. I imagine myself safe, financially secure, achieving this admirable diploma at McGill, being trustworthy and attractive to others. I want to worry less about other people being affected by my actions.

My idea of heaven is an infinite number of new beautiful places to visit, a great big isolated house bought and paid for to rest in for as long as I want. Sustainable and renewing sources of food supplying me with exactly as much food as I require with minimal work. Contact with the rest of the world through the internet and cable tv. Tangible achievements to satisfy my family and give financial gifts to them. A useful history of problems I caused such that I can fix them. A creative job inventing super beautiful and useful things for people.

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had growing up to learn 3 languages. I'm grateful for having Alex as a friend who introduced me to reading lots of books and computers. I'm grateful for learning to use the internet at the best time so that I could shape it. I'm grateful for the confidence inspiring and reassuring friendships and relationships I have had.

I want the intentions I have to shine through from my soul as the beautiful and honest desires they are. I want the beauty in things to be the only thing that matters.

Mood: Worried
Got in an accident at work today. The whole day started out wrong when I decided to go with only a t-shirt under my winter coat. Zack says it's like the time I was going to high school in t-shirts in November and got pneumonia. I'm on my own now, and it's depressing. Zack is the new guy who's always comparing patterns with my history.
It was really cold coming out, especially since my coat was so loose the wind would just blow through all the time. A car splashed me in the face while I was waiting for the bus in the dark. Still didn't like listening to my favorite songs. Lots of milk to do at work, and Parc had lots of stuff from across the street which meant more time outside in the freezing rain.
Then right as 11 o'clock rolled around and the second guy (Manny) started, I locked the keys in the van. I didn't think we had a spare, so I tried the key from the other van, a coat hanger, then went to the mechanic's, then tried taxis, the cops and finally I told my boss. He found a spare in no time and I managed to get it open.
I had wasted about an hour running around trying to solve the problem by myself. Deliveries were late and it cumulated down to the next run. I didn't finish until 3:30 and walked in to my Comp 251 tutorial soaking wet from walking to the Arts building from Peel station.
I finally got home later with my roommate's bf right behind me. They were kind enough to share some of their meal with me. Then they left for the weekend, and here I am, trying to study for finals next week. It's like the season which had been building since November decided to hit all at once. I gave my phone number to the car I hit, backing up in the alley while they were trying to get out.

I'm starting a new short story about a boy robot who lives in the technoparc. It's set in the not too distant future where cars drive themselves, etc. One day he makes an online purchase and gets ripped off so he goes after the money and it takes him to Mars and beyond.

The patterns in my life are...
The more I try and break out of them the less they let me believe them later when I want to.

Tonight was exactly like the winter day 2001, sitting home alone watching super good cable and my dad came over to fix my broken window. I just laughed at the synchronicity, with an cruel and vengeful streak in there. I took pleasure in the fear my gain in knowledge was eliciting. Feeling super entitled, cool and attractive, much more so than in the 20 years previous of my life, and not ever stopping to question why. Rather like making the wrong decision after finding a 1000$ in your jacket and deciding to make a run for it instead of doing the right thing.

I know it's wrong to take pleasure in other people's fear (even stupid wrong because they might be lulling me into a false sense of security, since I don't know why they're scared). But the power is so attractive.. I sometimes do volunteer work just for the power it entails. *shame*...

I'm sorry about it, I want to do the right thing. I will declare the correct amounts on my next tax return, but I don't know what else is truly wrong (not being grateful enough?) and even that is gray. I thank the people who gave me this job and the opportunity to feel this cool by giving back, respecting in the way I believe counts and giving of my time. I need a job, so I'm not about to quit but I don't think devoting my life and giving too much of my time is the smart thing to do.

I remember one day after the break, asking them to just tell me what to do. His parents were fighting and that was all he knew. Not wanting to do anything, remaining silent because of the future. It's as if money can't buy the gratitude and hard work my parents expect from me. I can meander and be super good for the environment at that grocery store but my mother won't be proud 'cause she knows it's the easy way out. Not reaching my full potential.

Seeing life through someone else's eyes.
I had the most amazing dream the other day while meditating. By completely stilling my mind (there were other factors - too, an intense mental bond with someone in the next room I'd just met for the first time that day) and closing my eyes as if I were to go to sleep (I was actually going to take a nap) I began seeing images as if I was looking at something - but my eyes were closed. Could brainwaves be responsible for this? If so, is this the stuff dreams are made of? (haha.. sorry)

I don't know what's more frustrating, knowing that I wasn't as good yesterday or not knowing what has changed!

As I looked into her eyes, I felt the weight of the consequences of the coming decisions rippling backwards from the future.

I recognized her on a completely different level than two people meeting again after having seeing each other at a party. Although I probably had, my left brain would say, and romanticizing all this is probably not the best course of action (and neither is thinking about the best course of action).

"You're too young to have a girlfriend," I sometimes think I would have told myself.
"Sticking to your studies is really the best career move for you right now."
"She's your friend's ex," is the stickler my morals cling to my sense of what's best in the worst way.

It comes down to being able to do it, if I want. My conscience would like my younger self to know things could have been different, but ultimately my decision balances out the better possibilities. My decision won't let me wallow in the squalor that is how things could have been..

I woke up this morning happier than I have in a long time! It was as relaxed as weekends have been these days, but definitely in a more springtime season. We were living in a small townhouse or cottage near the train tracks at the end of one of the streets off Ste-Catherine's between Lansdowne and Metcalfe.
In any case it was a beautiful day. I was attracted to the girl chatting up my roommate, comparing things about their friends. It seemed they had so much in common, which I attributed to them comparing the same friends.
"My friend with the greenest shirt is named Charlie.." my roommate would say,
"Mine too!" her friend would reply.
I was finding things the both of us could talk about, and it soon became apparent that they were talking about different friends!
"It's funny that you both have so much in common yet are separated by miles!" I remarked.
My roommate started to get angry with me, asking me what I meant by 'miles'.. It was unfortunate because I was hoping she would set me up with her friend..

Later that day we had a great party on my back balcony, with a nice staircase that unfolded from against the wall. There was a baby, and everyone had come from my hometown to throw me this party 'cause I'd called my mom earlier. I felt bad 'cause I'd walked into the surprise party yelling at my brother, who was only baiting me and I should have been in a better mood. I had to buy myself back but there wasn't much time, had to call Luan back from leaving and to bring the baby back with him. Overall it was going to be fun, overcast but with BBQ-ing and lots of fun. I hoped they could stay 'cause I didn't tell them if I had to work that day.

The case for (tel)empathy:
I'd like to begin with a joke, comparing the concept of telepathy as we all know it, (hearing other people's thoughts) to something as real as quantum physics, for example. I often read proofs of the form, since this would model exactly, for all intents and purposes it can be considered that which it is modelling.
If someone could imagine what you're thinking, then there would be little difference between that and actual telepathy. So, try and imagine what people are thinking. Find out if you were right, when possible. The better you get, the closer you'll get to telepathy.
Well maybe not, but it's probably a thoughtful way to live. Real telepathy, wouldn't it improve the quality of life? Less accidents, less misunderstandings.. Everyone's heard of brainwaves, right? I've heard two brains close together oscillate at the same rate. How much information can those waves carry? It doesn't have to be a lot, when things get down to the cellular level (i.e. neurons). Chaos theory is fond of quoting it's butterfly-causing-storms scenario, and while my brain is probably more organized than governed by chance, little static fields around my hair could send little electrical signals (how cells communicate) which can easily be amplified 1000 times over by metabotropic G-proteins.
So maybe all the information stored in the brain can be transmitted this way, visuals, memories, etc.

She told me to stay behind because she was in a hurry. I thought I was faster than her so I didn't listen..
I caught her drive and went until the first stop. I didn't have to hide so much since she was so focused on driving fast. I stopped at an island where she rushed into a apartment building. I kept up with her quite well as she rushed up the stairs even though I had to keep my distance because I can't get caught and she's starting to watch her back.
Ran into an old friend and I think I should stop and talk. I don't want to because she's getting away but not wanting to be rude wins and I stop to make small talk under pressure, he's diffident but friendly.
Next thing I know I've lost her. I start to panic. I go up the stairs all the way to the top of the building but she's gone.
I want to look through the building more thoroughly but I know I'm also not even supposed to be there. I notice that every door I open is a student's, so I ask my friend if this is a student residence. He says that it's for the an exclusive french school, St-Isites something.
I start going faster to find her but there are people milling everywhere and she's impossible to find in the crowd. A girl with dyed red hair standing beside a guy moves to talk to me, stops me, furiously furrowing her forehead, calling me out.
I agree because, well, a kiss is a kiss. I take her, but it's clumsy and wet, the best part being when she approaches nearer. I stop and give her advice. I'm like, no, "Less kissing, more body pressing", hahahaha.
Anyway, I let her get back to whatever, leave and realize that I've lost her. I'm stuck on the island, nowhere to go for who knows how long. My panic is now about whether I'll ever be able to leave. The students are all getting ready to leave and are waiting with a purpose. I think about asking my friend about going where they're going but I hesitate out of pride and lose him too. The only place that's familiar is the building I'm not really welcome in anyway. Hanging around earns me a notice and the owners of the building, probably the adults in charge of the school, put me to work.
As it gets dark I'm about to work my first shift and seal my subservience to them forever.
Before I do though I stall and walk around. I manage to group a few people who agree with me after dark (or when the power goes out). They might want to leave, but they feel accepted enough that it's unlikely they'll act on it.
I leave and go out. It's now a warm sunny day but my panic keeps me from feeling any of it. All the students have gotten on their buses and left. There are a few parked cars, but not enough. I would probably get caught if I tried to steal one to escape.
I spot a privately owned cabin near the building. It's a lot closer than I thought the nearest house was when I'd looked around in the crowd the day before. The cabin has a large underground part only visible to the top as a roof over the ground. Probably won't be welcome there either but it could be abandoned.

So the limewire guilt, part of growing up? Nowadays I just don't talk about it with anyone, 'cause it's bound to a) make me look weird, b) not lead anywhere. I can basically sum it up by it's like acting as if everyone always knows what I'm thinking, what I'm doing or have done, especially when relating to their property, makes me think I'm a better person. But living this way, it's not exactly the go-getter's attitude, more like mr.nice guy.
I used to download so many songs, movies, whatever I could get my hands on, a long time before it was popular. I'm talking like almost 10 years ago, when there weren't mp3 players and the cool kids didn't even have computers. Before napster got busted, I'd burn mix CDs like there was no tomorrow. Then I got busted, got scared a little right before I moved out, went a little too far, moved back, moved away again, started out smart enough, if a little too social, then fell right back into holier-than-thou-sobriety. Phew.. That was a long sentence..

It's just so strange, though!

Well I haven't exactly died in my sleep (how would I know?) but I've been hurt pretty badly twice.

The first time was like 1+ years ago, I had a dream I had to outrun some wolves to leave this house I was at. I tried once, and they got me, I blacked out, and started over right where I had been (weird, I know.. I was too pissed off about losing any potentially 'unsaved changes' i.e. what I had just done to ponder the philosophical ramifications).

It really hurt, though! The wolf jumped and bit me right in the abdomen. I had blinding pain and blacked out, woke up after the third time, after trying to talk to the dude at the house. (I foolishly decided to go without food that night, and totally got hunger pangs _exactly_ where the wolf had bitten me).

The last time was only just recently, like last week. I was at my lame part-time grocery delivery job (which I stay at even though I could do better, what with being in uni and all 'cause it pays SO GOOD! Few $$ per delivery, 30 odd deliveries per shift, you do the math) when this new guy was giving me undermination (undermining me) so I was like fine, I'm out of here (my shift was done anyway).

So I leave, duck into the side door of the store which leads downstairs, even though it's not my department (fruits and vegetables). Suddenly a guy comes out of the f&v room with an automatic uzi covered with a rag (is that supposed to silence it?) and shoots me 3 times in the right chest. Ow! I woke up right away. I was like, they can't fire me, so they kill me?! (I have this theory that the lower in the business world the business, the shadier and more gangster like the politics of it are.

Most recently I dreamed I was swimming with a girl .. nothing to do with dying, that girl was hot though.

Performing is so my dream... I have too much too lose, though, or maybe I just don't believe in it enough.

You kind of need a band or an audition for that kind of thing, too, I think. And a lot of time to devote to writing and just plain being creative.

I love drawing before bed, mainly because I believe it sets the theme for my dreams (I fantasize waaay too much) which in turn I believe sets the theme for the following day.

I'm glad I started recording my (better) dreams about 2-3 years ago. Conscientiously doing so has definitely improved my dream memory, which is fun, just because.
I used to blog them at adolflow.blogspot.com, but that's time too.

It's school, which is like crunch-year (crunchtime.. mmmm.. crunch.. and a little eww) 'cause I'm spsed to graduate this year. I really want to keep studying too, so I have to be good 'cause my first year wasn't all that.

It's also this part-time job, which is so demanding, I'm sure because you don't really need very many good qualifications or experience to work in a grocery store, so I have to shine in a completely different kind of way than just being smart like at school. Like being humble and deferrent to your bosses to make them like you.. Not used to it.

Let's see what my last dreams were about.
Unsurprisingly my favorite dreams are the ones where I win some girl over...

"The line is wiggling wildly these days. I mean I know I ought to be good, eat healthy, work hard, etc. but what happened to having fun? I didn't used to feel guilty about such stupid things as wanting to watch TV or buying some song on iTunes. Not to mention feeling guilty about downloading music off limewire, but that's a whole other story.
The worst part about it is I don't even feel wrong about indulging in the insanely time-consuming fantasies that are spinning out of control. It's all ups and downs, highs and lows, and I've been serious for at least half a year. I like what who I want to be likes, but all these interests are so fleeting when I don't have a mirror to reflect them. I mean, alone, I find myself empty and without hobbies or interests.
Well, it's not all cries and complaints. Whining is easy, letting it out's probably alright. They say that, for sure, so posting it is one step further than letting it out in private to a text file . I had fun, this summer, too. Moving 4 times wasn't fun, but my roommates were cool and the hip show in July was so worth it. Now there's another one in November, and I totally want to go even though it's like twice as much as it used to be.
Music is so my obsession these days, too. I've been serious all this time, I forget exactly why. Part of it must be that I'm trying to be a better student, etc. Busy with this two-bit part-time delivery job, which I know I can do better than, but the money (tips) is sooo good, probably the best salary I can get for sure! I'm just worried about what my CV will look like after graduation, with my no interships but rather a steady pattern of all my free time and then some spent at
this grocery store."
The lesson is don't spurn songs! The limewire guilt is sooo annoying, part of growing up? It's like I think acting as if everyone always knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm doing or have done, especially relating to their property, makes me a better person. But living this way, it's not exactly the go-getter's attitude, more like mr.nice guy.

Who do I thank when things happen in such a funny way?
-He has to be an atheist, you know
I had a not so popular song stuck in my head for no reason.
-You're not allowed to be this happy 'cause you have to move
That song made me want to listen to the Buzz (999thebuzz.com)
-Yeah but the next song was the one you spurned earlier
Angels and airwaves was the first of 9 nonstop that started EXACTLY..

Hanging out with K, following her home. She doesn't seem to care much. I invite myself over to her place. She just ignores and I follow. We get to the subway station which reminds me of NY's small stations or maybe one of Berri's sections. When the subway comes it's super clean and shiny, and looks to be higher tech and way better than the ones I'm used to.

"I thought it was going to be like Lionel-Groulx and the green line," I say meekly, since I don't want to overstay my welcome with dumb comments. We get on the subway and ride it until we're eventually riding it in Japan. The Japanese people on the subway are giving me bad vibes because of the way I got here (making me feel guilty and that I'm not as good as them). One guy sitting sideways to the right of us (I'm in the far left corner) is singing (although his voice has a little grit like he needs to cough). He's hitting the high notes though, and generally pretty good. Noone seems to be bothered by him, though, in fact they seem to like him more than me. I don't give in to the paranoia, I just say a few things here and there while playing on K's gameboy.

I eventually ask if she wants me go with her out of the subway (or was it whether it was OK for me to change seats according to the custom of the subways here?). She answers very lovingly, which I like. We get to her place, which is a subway station. That is, there was no walking between the subway stop and her place, we were just.. there. Walking through the front door, we are inside her family's kitchen. It's supposed to be really late, though, like 1 am, and I expect her family (mom, dad) to be sleeping. The kitchen counters are all made of wooden slats. There is just a lamp on in the kitchen. She stops and says, "Well here they are, the people you came to see."

I am surprised to see my cousins from my aunt's-on-my-mother's-side-of-the-family, i.e. Marisita and Jaime from Mexico city. Jaime is still much younger than I am and I am not too worried about him. His older sister, on the other hand, still radiates a vibe of distrust. Having already tried 'nuff stuff when I was 18 and she was 14 (like writing her a letter saying even though I got to go out with the adults I still wanted to be her friend), I don't want to push her away even more. Aloofness is the one thing that hasn't worked in all this time, however, so I decide to put all my cards on the table and greet her with an enthusiastic remark about how long it's been (very out of character for me and would only happen in circumstances where I was sure to get a reciprocal reaction). Dream ends on the cliffhanger of whether it will affect her or not...

22
First sitting somewhere when A.K. motions her head at me in a late bar referring to me while talking to her friends. "..Makes me think death might not be so bad.." she says with a smile. I know it's not that good a thing to say about me but I'm happy she's talking about me at all.
23
Couldn't stop insulting Denis about his hair (kept referencing it to D's). Before that at the Burtnyk's early morning not really wanted. Their cat.
Then preaching my 'holier than thou' wait for the others in the elevator philosophy.
22
Before: K untuitions. Mafia barely friends with a girl who's father's a boss. Tell her to steal the money from the safe while they're there. By telling the monkey the guy is totally there and asks me what my name is.
23
Sexy dream about Ali. When I wake up she's sad I can remember and still want her. Tearing up at 'having to do it'.
Then super sad dream about YH. We're at the new apt and she's barely moved in and she's tearing up at telling me it would be better for her to move to a high rise downtown. I'm actually pretty sad at it to.
27
Scary dream. At school in winter semester, early morning class like Spanish class wasn't too worried about it but knew better than to think I could skip a class. Get a call on my cell from L at work asking me where the heck I am. I rememeber that I forgot to ask that they change my schedule for this week. It was the 'same schedule for the next three weeks' thing that's going on right now but there was a conflict with last week's Friday. They'd gotten someone to sub for me but since it was the same schedule but different dates they just transcribed the same dates without the sub. I was now supposed to come in at 8 but it was 9:30 and my class was about to start. I was in tho room next door looking into the adjacent but not wanting to entter through the side door (I was already a little late at 9:30). So leave, have to skip, in trouble in both places.
31
Weird redneck terrorists. Adam Sandler was their leader. They did drugs at night. They initiated violence even when the cops called theirs off. First the cops came but they began to think it was a false alarm. The whole operation's cover might not have been blown. Some guy decided to shoot anyway but a cop was like, "What are you thinking?". But then full-scale violence erupted when another guy decided to shoot also and throw a grenade. I threw the grenade though but the fuse was far too long. Eventually the whole thing halted when it was discovered one of the cops had Sandler at gun point. I was (dead?) viewing the thing as third person.
1 June
Tunnel and black cat babies.
Tunnel started at home living in a NDG style apt with S who was getting friendlier. Her friend comes over who she schools by asking to please use the R-L tunnel to come over not to be wet in the rain. Her friend has a better body and blond streaks but presumable face problems. I'm already late for work so I leave and want to take the R-L tunnel but I've forgotten exactly how or something and get lost out of rush
2
Carli totally rubbing it in that I'd acted like I'd done someone but I hadn't and me hassling Mat with lots of good questions but getting partially friendly put downs.
3 June
Watching a movie about the neuroscience and what was important was the 15 times per minutes blood flow from the previous part. It was like a movie I'd already seen before. Sylvia was playing my sister, except she was blond and big blue eyed, cute, was my step sister. I (but I was seeing this part like third person) get to the school and have to fight with the 4 people gang. I know it was going to be a win though, so no harm there except maybe feeling the pain at some points. Could see one of the more sensitive thugs (3 ninjas) that were going to ask my sis out. I go out to van and get a box that I will place at her locker that I took from there that morning. I'm a bit of a rebel too but cringed when I saw him looking at the remote. One of the buttons was 'clean my whole house', a joke that now that I think about it reminds me of the clicker movie.
7
Blond teammate being cooler than me. No talking! Then hanging out w/ girls and compassion
11
Seeing superman flying, remember that I have then do a little bit with a lot of trying. I remember the feeling intensely. Visited an apartment that day, and on my way out I felt good and remembered the feeling of remembering how to fly a lot and tried.
16 June
Watching a movie about Aliens and bringing them back to earth with Teri Hatcher that starts out in the country. I start it over for D and snuggle with him to watch him giving him unrequited (he's too young to reciprocate) love even though I'm super stressed about some impending deadline
22
Movie w/ Willis spacefarer returns to Mars (which is now populated and a busy place) from the outer reaches to make things right. Gets caught in a standoff, gets out of it but they have the girl. He drops his gun just as the girl rearranges the guns to point at her captors. (I've seen this movie before so I'm not worried that he'll win out). Not right then? The girl is disappointed.
l2R RPG4 joining a party against the female fighter of that party.(Don't remember more than these handwritten notes).
Hatteras. The B's return to Hatteras often and although I've sort of become friends with them again they don't invite me. Sandwich making? I see M at the comp and W laying down (in headach position).
23
Dreams about S. Going with N on runs each in our vans. As we leave an adjacent building (the backside of a restaurant) S had escorted us out (and we thought that was the last of him), he pops his head out of a chimney to say hi (and potentially that he'd been hearing what we'd been saying). I'm happy with what we'd been saying so that's okay. I kind of want to see how he got up there, though. Before that being in an ep of Lost, I'd seen spoilers (for MI:3) that said there'd be electric eels. S volunteers to go, but he discovers the eels.
24
Hanging out with Dan, in his car. Meet the couple from work and they think Dan is cool. Dan fixes a problem with his car and we get back in it, which upsets me (because we'd been walking until then which put us on more level ground). Driving pretty fast though which was fun. Then ditch him and lose him, even though I thought I could go faster alone. See Meth and the tripDoctor coming off the highway at Atwater, with the doc looking cool wooing Meth. Luckily meth still likes me and asks me what's up. I join them at 4250 St-Ambroise at Maf's apartment #312, thinking I'll be able to rest soon. I got in through my weasel ways. They (I) get a call for a delivery (small money to be made, but it's a start and soon) for some crack. He sounds middle aged and says he's in apartment 19. It's the same building? Doesn't even cross my mind. I go do it, and get it again (even though the sales office is not yet turned off the lights.. Security). As we are now outside on the picnic table. I'm happy to be the one doing the delivery as I'll handle the money. I get to apartment 19 and knock _very_ softly on the door, wait a small to average amount of time then turn back and return. I'm starting to get paranoid that this is a setup/sting. Halfway back (outside) I decide I'll go do it (I'm having doubts like it's not right building) and start going back.
Sleeping while Sarah shows the apartment. Hanging out with Sarah, she's going to show the apartment. I decide to go in my bed right before they get there. Sarah is hot like Nik. The couple sees the place, if I impress Sarah we might _change_. They are seeing the place and it's difficult to impress her as impressing the guys is difficult while in bed. the guy says it's a nice desk, and I go overboard explaining the 3 pieces (even though none of the desk comes with the apartment). She's ready to change (morphs into crack dream above) but I'm reluctant as I haven't even taken a shower yet (why I ditch them).

Sometimes when I'm writing my dreams down I get the feeling I shouldn't. I'm still very groggy and I might be waking spontaneously so it might be the sloth talking. It's been evident for a while though. Last year as I woke and recorded a pretty mundane dream I got the feeling a specific person I had just talked to the night before (and who is also cooler than I am) was telling me she thought doing this was dumb. I ignored it though and subsequent naggings have been much quieter until this morning when I recorded a dawn dream in my usual cryptic 7 word sentence. I remembered that I hadn't been able to decipher previous dreams without further explanation though, so I proceeded to break my 7 word habit in yet another way by expounding on each word. As I did though I got the distinct feeling the girl from my dream, especially around the time I was going to talk about her, didn't want me to, claiming _this_ was 'secret'..

Take the time to talk to them but don't start talking without their attention. It'll hurt you, your confidence and your words won't or will but you aren't putting the thinking in the time.. You have to keep going, you know? After a while it won't get better and
That can't stop interrupting them until it's done. It's not because it's wrong or ill-intentioned that it can't be helped. You're better than the rest and so it has to be. It's only half-alone. And with more sense on it's way, sure you want to reach more..

28/12
Running from possible cops after climbing the Selby hill and indulging in the often remarked offerings. More like symbols and decoration than actual substance I thought, but upon closer inspection I find substantial amounts in some 3. Take it and start walking fast as the paranoia starts creeping up. (Insert fancy word here for cross) Through the underpass into westmount, turn left immediately as I think it will be less populated than the areas I know. Hit brush, keep going, behind tennis courts people can see, keep going. Finally I hit large residential backyards and a little path in their back I lounge. Someone is cleaning or something with large boxes strewn along the path and I fear they'll want to know what I'm doing if I cross them so I don't go. Luckily their sense of authority prevails soon enough and they are distracted telling practicing people to do it right. I take the chance and run through the boxes into the path, and go up it until I feel I'm past him, possibly without being detected (he doesn't want to go on the path).
Reach the end of the path and am a little worried. I crawl under the fence at the end and am at a super fancy dinner, which is titled 'Chinese theme'. I think I might try and pass as one of them but the Chineses aspect of this particular backyard is the worst possible one. I double back soon enough and go into the next to last one. Noone has arrived yet, so I have no problem fitting in. It's Mexican themed, which should be easy. I hastily choose a table so that look supposed to be here but unfortunately it only has place for one guest and that won't fit my entire family. I'm given 'Sopa de queso' and understand everything easily enough. Nevertheless, blending in requires conformity to my characters and my translator is called in. He doesn't fill up the guest seat and sits to my left. I begin eating and none of my family is joining me. I have a pet tiger who goes and bothers other patrons at a further table. I call to him but am embarrassed my his name, "BASHo". The translator is telling me not to worry. It's the end of the meal and I'd like to remember many people have joined me although they don't seem too friendly. My pet tiger is nice and likes being pet but I'm still a little afraid he'll try and bite. Returning the hotel I'm not even supposed to be at with M, something about E.
The next morning, visiting K at her house, getting her to come to mine, there's nothing to be done for her fascination with M. Her attention is fully centered on getting to know him and I feel a little left out. In the final scene, outside in my yard as I didn't get changed fast enough to make it into the pool at the same time as them M is making waves and calling them a shield. She likes it and calls him on how they could possibly be a shield. Their english challenge cats vis-a-vis their relationship to me are very compatible. I drop a glass and am madder that it's slowing me down even more. Mom putting up clothes on the clotheline thinks that this was her relationship to W, which is a pretty bad nightmare.
In the St-Augustin-like country getting stuck on a steep hill in the middle of summer because I didn't want to rev up the motor and use gas that much. Hitting math Prof. Paul Koosis' house. It was a good thing I didn't go up that hill 'cause any gas would have been a waste since the house was at the bottom of the hill. In any case, about to jump the fence and check out his backyard when I notice a pretty huge shag dog sleeping further down the yard, surrounded by animals. It's a big as a bear and I'm only glad I didn't wake it up since I don't think it would have hesitated to break right through the low wood gate.
The other house has cows and is actually Marisa's (or at least her doing) and in Mexico or the caribbean (as in nearby) as it's clear I'm vacationing with my family. The floors are pure dirty with baby/pet puke or lots of dirt from shoes, etc. everywhere. She thinks she'll have to clean it from head to toe tomorrow, and I offer to help. I add a little extra 'should'-talk, "..'Course we'll have to take off our shoes", which completely turns her off..
With M and G again, they say they are going to K's and all I want is still for her to like me better. I make it my plan to beat them to her place and do so. She's still sleeping and not very happy to see me. They'd called her so she was expecting it at least. Getting stuff, all of it and not going in or even having her see them as last time when he led the way in and I had followed and gone on the bed.
Final one seeing a commercial where a little kid races an older bully (the actor is way too old) out a subway station, and wins even though he took the stair 'cause he ate cinnamon toast crunch eggos. I go upstairs to the agency and want a shot at being the older bully. They will shoot it in another 30 minutes. Leaving the station a little behind the kid, see him ignore a passing talker who asks if I have a script for him. Go far, in Quebec parliament hill, all the cast and crew are scattered about. See one hot girl beside her van talking to some dimmer. I want to cut in as I know what she means long before him, but I might not win a direct challenge (due to history?). Throw some litter on the floor, about to talk as she's returned from the bathroom before him. Guilt about littering takes precedence, though and I pick it up (ew) and go to the trash one block away. Think he'll be back before I return, didn't even think how dirty my hands would be from picking it up. If only I hadn't dropped it in the first place! Chance with the girl compromised by dirt, hope he's not back.

First begins at my father's while he's gone to TO for the holidays. In a room with a fence, dirty though. Find pictures of something, before in the A/W studio. He catches me and isn't so mad. He actually suggests I go to his study and look through something else. When I get there it's so that he can look at media coverage of 'what's going on in Mais.'. I tell him what I know anyway. I don't find the stuff I could look for until later, something about fat making. Looking through it the scenery changes until I'm talking to Anna by I.M.. She doesn't ID herself but only sends a shirt from Poland's soccer team. Chatting with her I ask her about something only she would know because 'I want to make sure it's her'.
In a house party with strange interlocking flimsy staircases, with N and M. A party, being cool going to the top. Owning the place but not knowing anyone. Try to talk to N in front of people but rejected. M has an emotional problem and help. Morphs into the Alias Wavefront Eigenfaces foce simulator, where you take a picture of your face, pay over 35$ and get a booklet instructing how to make a madel your face specifically. N does it successfully and it seems to be worth it to him. M goes to do it and I suggest he takes a picture with his shoulders. He gets totally rejected, however, because the proportions make him look fat. He gets super sad at that though, and is less worried about the money I apologize for wasting. The house has many stories filled with people.
When the party ends cops have busted it and are taking the building apart or just supervising not having busted. Anna is a cop. I have a last thing to tell her but I have a bad feeling but I tell her anyway. She doesn't answer, she was asian and had a sideburn. Mom asks about zap2it. Going up to her only made me see how liked she was by the mean around her. Getting scared of a bird and thinking it was Uzi someone shot it for her. Luckily didn't kill only took off it's wing. It was a pink pigeon. In the store it can fly with S's idea about winglet made of water.

Third the native american and the end of the world. First my place playing with the lady downstair's clothesline and getting caught by her brother, trying to play it cool. Look over the neighbors are who they are, a naked biker. Then have my own clothesline, which is when M shows up. Then eat a strawberry offered by Mi, even though Dad refused it. I comment, "Strawberries from Kyoto? Japan?" which surprises her more than I expected. Later, during M and I's free time we meet Native Americans. The chief father figure explains that they want to preserve their culture and people. This is why the child (we may have met) is being isolated. They used to just periodically kill an animal, strip it's meat and leave it for him to eat, but this time it seems he was old enough to kill his own meat so returned the meat to them. They weren't expecting this act of initiative on his part so they were unprepared for his venturing into the world. They explained that they couldn't have him coming into the (warm southern modern) world because then they would have to teach him about money, etc. that he has to learn about on his own. For the same reason, they don't want to return him to his reserve themselves. So we return him and I remark that this child is alone all the time, he is so lucky. I catch myself sounding like a loser to M and say, "Well, not all the time.." and he replies, "Usually" which is a lot better than I expected and can only bargain less and say accept, "That's.. right." So we put the child in his igloo, he's dressed in a blue with red shoulder pads lacoste winter jacket I used to wear and, I later remark, a lacoste hat as well. I take the other hand of the view I espoused earlier, it's so desolate here there isn't much to do. I have trouble putting my contradiction into words, though, I don't need to compromise and my pride doesn't want me to. I would be loser to philosophize so fiercely about something so unimportant. Finally we leave and part ways. I notice two lanky middle aged long hair dark asians except they're native too, sorcerers. They are plotting to kill the child. I find out they wish to fulfill a prophecy that states that if they kill all the natives the world will end. I race them, changing into a giant puma and then an eagle. There is no way to be better than them, though. I go to the head guy's house, who is Manny. He shows me out when I ask him for a passcode for his building and he's rich and can have security escort me out if I don't comply. I return again, and again until I the only way I can stay longer is tell him to argue his case for killing the boy, if it's sound I'll only want to join him, right? He reluctantly agrees, I go out on the balcony, soo trash bags, return inside, M is there, I make my point more than I have to and say, "Prove it!" and he seems to grow. M and Ma go outside on the balcony and argue. Ma tries to push M off, totally doesn't work, M is feeling Ma's back and says he doesn't have a lot of muscle, they armlock and M is like, "Ma.." and hits on his arm after his elbow which knocks Ma to the floor. Ma is resilient though and hangs on dragging M to the floor and they struggle. I threaten to kick them apart. I feel relatively in control, like I could walk away with the kid now. He may be brainwashed by the sorcerers, but I know time away from them will break their spell.

Ouch! So much for the *pinch me, I think I'm dreaming!* theory, two nights ago I distinctly remember feeling pain in my dream. I had a really vivid quasi-lucid (pre-programmed) dream. By pre-programmed I just mean that I'd gotten up about two hours early (missing about 4 for full sleep) and I went back to sleep after realizing what time it was. Drifting off, the fantasies I usually indulge in somehow made their way into my dream, in a way that will become apparent.
In any case, I soon found myself in a pretty strange situation, specifically that I was in a stranger's house after having walked them home (they were drunk) and about to leave the kid brother says, "Watch out for the wolves, they come out around this time." It wasn't even dark yet or anything so I wasn't really worried, but I looked out the windowpane in case and saw what I could believe were animal tracks leading down.
I put on my shoes and go outside, but waited too long and the wolves start running down from the hills purposefully. As soon as they turn the corner I decide to try to make a run for it (without even warning the parents that I saw them). I barely clear the doorstep before a wolf sees me and starts running after me. I try to run but it's no use and he jumps into contact teeth first with by gut. I feel blinding pain and black out as it gets worse than I can imagine (exactly that much pain, I suppose).
Here's where the lucid part comes in: I was able to start over from any point in my dream, losing only certainty on the level of what had happened earlier (if that makes sense). This time I try to run up the hill but again they get me. I can see trying over and over again when the father comes over. I tell him about the dream I'm having and he thinks I'm complaining. "I need a gun," I tell him.
Incidentally, I ended up deciding to go without food that evening (a stubborn capricious decision) and only realized later that the hunger pangs I'd felt because of that corresponded to where the wolf bit me.

Patterns and always having to look on the bright side. On the one hand you can be shizophrenic and get all this confidence because it's like, "Oh, I've been here before" and you can be all smug about what's going to happen.
On the other hand, you always have to either break yourself away from that faith at some point and tell yourself, "No, I've learnt from my mistakes and have improved" in which case you lose consistency with the pattern you were matching with in the first place, or you have to compromise and look further ahead, getting all caught up too.
Oh, the realizations

26
Living alone in my regular place when neighbor David suddenly moves out, leaving me the whole, albeit not that great, apartment next door, much in the fashion of Kate's leaving last summer. I don't dare go into it much at first (since I don't know if or when he'll be back, not te mention how little I know him to begin with) even though I want to when captivated by Mont-Ste-Anne in the summer and want to get continue the angle from his windows. I end up going on some mundane reflex and having crossed the line try and look but end up with a patio view of the neighbors. Shortly thereafter, my brother arrives smiling and refers to some proposition he now agrees to about him living with me I no longer remember. I am less than overjoyed since not only do I no longer have roommates, but the neighbor's place was now mine (much in the fashion of squatter's rights).
Anyway, now he's not only implying that he's grudgingly accepted my offer to move in, but that he doesn't think it would be too much to ask to have me outline the terms in paper and sign it for him. I sigh but know we'll work this out, even if it's just him living next door. In any case, there isn't much time to show off my place before we are invaded with old fiends of the older Soto/Brendan persuasion. While I don't like them, I think they think they aren't smart enough to try and atangonize me so I continue showing off my apartment to them, while Fel goes down to the basement to make a wash. After some kind of trying to get them out or turning of my attention from and back to them, they say, "Sorry about this," implying they didn't have a choice, and spray me with a super soaker. I don't understand but see the act of hostility as a complete act of war on their part and know I can't take them all physically. I don't understand the super soaker until they try to throw a match at me which I dodge and run out of the apartment, which blows up behind me. I run down to the basement as fast as I can, tell my brother they're trying to kill us and tell him I'll meet him at the back door, which is right there. I keep running until I'm outside and relatively safe with the crowd and cops. I watch people coming out waiting for my brother who neven does, not evet after the large group. I see the terrorists have a a larger perimeter and have to escape to the zocalo across the street, where I mingle and continue watching.
Later, I'm sleeping on the couch in a _much_ nicer apartment, but waking up from the previous dream or remembering it as a memory or not even just waking up from restless sleep while not being able to get the experience out of my head since in dream time it just happened. Needless to say I'm quite scared and unable to really feel at home, even though there's so much I might even just take and run away with it. The place is so nice it might be worth defending I begin thinking as I see more of it. The bed appears undone as if I've just slept in it. Finally I get to the balcony, which overlooks a white beach with turquoise waters. It's fall but people are swimming, and I immediately want to go. I don't want to go out the front because I'm so scared, so I don't want to go out at all, but then I soo baby panthers playing in the water, apparently there to be played with, which just makes me want to go more. Start looking for a way to climb down from my balcony, which is annoying since it would break but I really want to go down without taking my eyes off it.

Retrospective feelings: Too scared to see my brother's safety through. Again with the Cain&Abel theme. Too fearful for my self in the new apartment to remember my brother. Sad because actions live longer than posessions. I mean, I no longer have the cool apartment to play with, but I want another chance to change how I would act if responsible for my brother.