My Days Off

...Were really great. The only down-side is the inevitable obsession with trying not to fall into the guilt that accompanies hedonism. Like for example, I can't help feeling like I've destroyed some kind of disproportionally larger something I've been working on for so long. Like everything I was working on is now shown to be false and that I don't even practice what I preach. I don't know what's with this depression but at least it can't get any worse than self-bashing, right?

http://ping.fm/gr2c7

Street sweepers

Can somebody explain to me why we still have thos huge water trucks that sweept the side of the sidewalks during the day? I mean I realize they're supposed to clean, and maybe this was a good idea back when we weren't in a recession, and the price of gas wasn't through the roof. Here in Montreal, it's nothing the rain can't take care of, and I would honestly prefer being able to leave my car on the street on thursdays. (**Ah I feel much better now.)

I'm a libra but you'd never know it with the extremes I go to for their own sake

Fairytales

Have a new plotline in common. High-born kid dislikes country folk, falls among them and realizes that there is truth in simplicity, and that greater spiritual matters matter more greatly than he had previous realized. (Story of my life.) Now if I could just return to my rightful place like they do, filled with all my learned lessons and maybe a couple of new friends, I'd be all set.

http://ping.fm/47be7

Num Num http://ping.fm/JgXAh

Looks like EWR is burning down again tonight.. As usual

Beautiful morning but still can't stop obsessing about Japan

Ugh.. Stll stuck at work, the last flight is coming in 3 hours late at 1:45 am..

If you're flying into Newark Liberty today I would recommend getting on the earlier flight

Well might not be so bad if I can just delay my trip instead of cancelling it..

Well I guess I won't go to Japan, then.. I suppose it's for the best as I have lots of work to do anyway

So far my days off have been less than stellar. I managed to get no shopping done, spent about 200$ on fines and got my car taken away. I'll be lucky if I get away with spending less than 300$. I've had to go to court once already, and have a scheduled appearance June 29th. I know it's just a car and I don't even need to drive that much but it's hard stress to deal with.
Maybe I'm being a baby about this, maybe I need to grow up a bit.

Back pain, right shoulder blad is in major pain.. Like the first time I moved to Montreal, I had to see a chiropractor after less than a year. Now, with 5 years gone by, I'm trying different things like changing my posture and holding my should with my left arm. The latter seems to be helping.
On a lighter note, I'm finally thinking of taking advantage of some of my travel benefits.. I'm hoping (fingers crossed!) that my Japanese friend (who I only just met) doesn't retract her invitation to visit her in Hokkaido next month, and I might go for a whole week and a half!

Been dreaming real lots lately, enjoying my nights a lot.. Except when I wake up in the middle of them, sporadically, because I'm going to bed too early. I've been going to be too early, especially when I was at the hotel in ewr because I thought it was the safet thing for me to do, both socially and economically. Socially because it was odd how I was having fun being social but having a hard time controlling my feelings. I would feel really sad when things didn't go the way I envisioned..

So there was no use feeling depressed, Amos knew. It's not like he had an escape plan, and the only alternative was to go crazy and spend all his money. Well that's not true, he could always just work harder, but sometimes it felt like he was making no difference and it would all be for naught. So he just continued doing what he was doing.. Not too difficult, it paid the bills, and held promises of travel at any time.
Besides, the people were nice..

Amos was feeling depressed. The Deja vu, which he had once relished for the unusual feeling of understanding something he wasn't supposed to, was becoming more frequent. He was feeling it at least once or twice a day, usually while taking a risk and doing something his instincts told him was 'not in the time budget'. He didn't know if it was because he was gradually losing more and more friends, or if it was because the people he was hanging out with didn't really have a choice but to hang out with him too (family, co-workers, etc.)

Working at the airport was fun. Working Thursday, Friday and Saturday night felt like he was out on the town. The job wasn't that hard either, it felt like he was a bouncer or security guard so it gave him a reason to be 'at the club'. His co-workers he didn't really like since none were really available to him as a friend, and so any time spent with them was at his own expense. He tried to be nice, of course, and looked forward to seeing them if only because it gave him the position of their representative with respect to other people who would not normally have dealt with them.

The men reminded him of boxers. He had never really wanted to fight, and held no illusions about his physical prowess. But the looming financial crisis and his dislike of work scared him into fearing homelessness, just because he was too proud to plan for asking for help. And, he knew, the main sport of the homeless was boxing.

Wow talk about your "junkfood day"...
I had poptarts for breakfast, coffee, pizza and pop for lunch, nachos for lunch and another pop tart for dessert.. And it looks like chicken fingers for supper!
Yikes, good thing I don't eat like this everyday!
P.S. Note that at least the poptarts are organic (Nature's Path brand)

My alarm went off at 7am like I programmed it to but I went back to sleep until 8:12! At least I got a dream out of it, albeit a bittersweet one.
A vacation with my cousins was winding down as two of us went into a fast food restaurant for lunch. We ordered for everyone and got charbroiled steaks for ourselves. As we were geting ready to eat the manager approached us and wanted to take back two of our meals as she didn't know why they'd served us the steaks since they would not be ready for another 20 minutes. She had big chicken strips to offer. I wanted her to leave everything since I guessed she would be throwing the steaks out and I could that myself after investigation.
I checked and the steaks were actually chicken strips. She said no deal and was taking away her offer when I folded and wanted them instead. She totally pwned me!

Dreamt that I had a gf who in hindsight had similar characteristics as Eve from high school. I was part of the FF, we got a long somewhat. I was her favorite, but she wasn't 'perfect' for me, so I drove her to flirt with other guys. In the meantime I tried to have hobbies, Karate that didn't really take that one time.

Current Indie Playlist

Here goes the name-dropping:
-The secret Machines
-School of seven bells
-Ronski speed (not really indie, but still)
-Plusminus
And..
-Stars

Posted with LifeCast

Mental Turret's

Like I can't stop thinking obscene things. Does anyone know good meditation techniques or ways to quiet the mind?

Posted with LifeCast

Good One

Posted with LifeCast

My suggestions for improving the economy revolve around the topic of sustainability, as a lot of my ideas have for a while. I don't know why I'm so worried about where we'll be that far down the road but it seems to me that if we don't make sure every aspect of our lives is getting better, then things like the economy can really bring you down.
Basically as a means of improving local economy I would tax imports a lot more. Imports such coffee and bananas might be sorely missed, but on the other hand perhaps it would get people thinking about the people on the other end involved in the production.
Also, we might find homegrown alternatives, ultimately becoming more independent and therefore sustainable.

I am little overwhelmed with everything going on in my life (and sometimes the lack thereof), it's almost like I'm going through a mid-life crisis. The polarity between my mom and dad is nothing new, and now that I live closer to my dad and I'm trying to spend more time with him I'm losing touch with my mom a little. My dad on the other hand is very difficult to get a long with, even just trusting him is sometimes tough for my paranoia.
In my personal life too, though, I'm going through a bit of a crisis of faith. I can't really say I identify 100% with the way I was raised, and none of the mainstream other faiths call out to me as the one true one either. I really like my internet habit, but the problem with my eco-friendly, 'green' perfectionism is that it doesn't leave any room for pleasure.. In other words if I'm not making money (and that's questionable enough as it is) then the use of any resources (whether I pay for them or not) is not justified. Sigh.. I hope I figure it out one day..

Amsterdam pics!

I have to find the balance between perfectionist discipline and hedonism. I love not allowing myself any pleasure and channeling the resulting anger into work, and most of all I like the confidence that I'm doing the right thing, and that this is the best thing I could be doing for the environment and everyone.
I also like the way things were when I was a little more level headed though. I used to rewArd myself like a normal person, and I wasn't always living for tomorrow. Standards change with age I guess, and in some ways I have it pretty good no matter what I'm doing.

Invention of the week: Car and Dryer combo

I mean, cars always generate excess heat right? and the turning motion of the wheel I'm sure could easily be adapted to a dryer in the trunk..

Had a good summer so far, but now it's like all the avenues I was pursuing are splitting apart from each other and I have to choose what I want to do. Only problem is I'm still not sure which is the best course of action. I'm applying for graduate studies, but at a different school which ended up being more complicated than I thought, so I think I missed the deadline for this semester. Then I'm trying to figure out work and if I should focus on my job or try and find a better one. All the while thinking about meeting someone, and if and when I'll move..

Yesterday I listened to an episode of Podcastle titled "the cup and table" and it really got me thinking. It's about a guy who works for the bad guys but ends up alone with the Grail and a wish to make.. Now I'm sure everyone remembers thinking about whAt they would wish for if they won the lottery or whatever, but I don't know if it's thing I'm going through with grandeur scopes of religion and philosophy, but if it was just me and time stopped and part of my wish had to be bringing the world back to the way it was, I'd want a perfect memory, long life, and the ability to try everything. (Sorry if this isn't the easiest of concepts to relate.)
Now, when there's nothing else how can you think about yourself? Of course I'm tempted to be selfish, and wishing for someone's companionship is what the guy in the story does..

Dreams recently have been on the whole spectrum from so good I feel too satisfied to write them down waking up to just mediocre (feels like extra waking time) to bad ones (ants crawling everywhere, not knowing the answer to questions)

Being a sellout is usually a bad idea, and changing your tastes about popular trends, i.e. jumping on the bandwagon, is not something I find attractive. I consider myself someone who takes ideals seriously, with clear likes and dislikes.
That being said, there is something to be said for being realistic. I used to be a lot less attracted to popular culture at all.. And a lot less concerned with the environment. How much is due to the changing state of the world and globalization and how much to my coming of age it's hard to say.
I wonder how much my realistic side (which is all often seeming to knowingly say, "You should treat yourself") is at fault for my feeling of coming short of my perfectionist goal, and how much of it is I should have waited, and the moment will present itself, like it sometimes does..

My job interviews went well today, I feel bad for everyone who is helping me dream so much, my dreams these days are so bland.

Really digging the new iPod firmware. I must have signed up for at least 5 new accounts on social media nets since I got the new apps. Clowdy is pretty cool for sharing photos, for example: www.clowdy.com/u/adolflow

Feeling a little childish, like I forgot to get what I was sent on an errand to get and I don't want to face the music.
The synchronicity I had with wanting a song (Oakenfold - Zoo York) while the emusic website was down then hearing it at the end of a podcast (DJ Spyhunter - Rise and Fall) continued into weirdness with the song I just bought (Pixies - Where is my mind) playing after another podcast (Blacklight in the attic) that I was having a hard time liking, for some unknown reason. Working on my social skills, I guess I don't want to feel superior in retrospect, even though their imagination requires breaking the (unfair) rules. I feel like even trying to relate by saying I once wanted what they want is wrong because it's implying I'm better (superior) now. I'm spoiled by this great novel (Rainbow's End) I'm reading.
It's probably obvious but I'm trying to be less superior so hard 'cause its my resolution for July.

I want to use the iPhone sdk to make a small-scale RPG for the iPhone and iPod touch. Nothing like WoW, but low-RES graphics and mostly story-oriented.

My top ten podcasts available on iTunes (shamelessly written while listening to said podcasts):
- Beatport
- Escape Pod/Podcastle
- The sound culture
- Psychedelic Salon
- Psychonautica
- The Moth
- You look nice today
- Remix.Nin.com
- CBC Ideas
- Just Good Music

Reflections on the airline industry
After working for an airline for a year, I learned many interesting facts that aren't usually obvious. For example, it appears there is almost a conspiracy surrounding the attitude and intent of the major airlines. Anyone who has a frequent flyer or mileage card knows that some cards can be used with other airlines, but not all. The major airlines are divided into 2 groups: the government ones (Air Canada, Us Air, American) and the Geographical (?) ones, i.e. Northwest, Continental.

OK, because I told people to look here for more 'about me', here's a little more about me: I'm a 26 yo recent McGill grad, currently working for NW Airlines at YUL. It's not much, but there's some nice travel benefits. Social networking apps, you name it, I have it. Facebook, twitter, MSN, aim, ad nauseum.. I don't have a pic on here but I'm sure there's one somewhere below
Heh, I guess most of the rest of the posts between the really early ones (which are dream reports) and this one are personal, so I attribute the change to the "resolution of the month". On New Year's I not only made a new year's resolution but I made mini resolutions for each month. (June is "be friendly" month.)

Well I guess it's back to work for now, but the countdown is on until I can trade shifts and have at least 3 or 4 days off in a row! July 21st.. Now the question becomes where to go? I have never been overseas, so I want to visit either Asia or Europe. Europe is easier and nicer, I think, but more expensive too. The main problem with going to Asia (probably Tokyo, Taiwan or Beijing) is the language barrier. Any suggestions?

I'm experiencing a little philosophical dissonance with the undercurrent of both flight and psychonautica 38.. Matter matters, right? It's just they (and so many other spiritual, meditation, etc. sources) so strongly emphasize that the ego and/or material existence is not important. From what I can understand the universal source of "life" is what behind each one of our egos, and what these sources try to emphasize. I rebel, however, because although my ego isn't perfect, I always hoped to bring my identity with me to the stars..

Seeing as how I haven't written about dreams in a while I thought I'd update on what I've been scribbling down half-awake..
1dec: I dreamt that school had a huge (secret?) pyramid-like building which housed lions, gorillas around the basement (no cages). It's like an American city, there's a marathon going on but letting everyone else go first gets me onto the raft. 'Small field' prof tells me encouraging words.
7dec: Can't believe I dreamt only about work-related scenarios! I was working in my dreams!
10dec: Prof asking when I was going to fulfill my dream of going to medschool, letting me answer only to realize if I went it would take so long to graduate I'd be in my late 30's.
28dec: At school, no sooner had I committed to a Chinese girl that I'm already regretting looking at a blond going upstairs.
2jan: Flying after doing one last delivery for PA, taking the tip even though its 5 hrs late. So, flying down the hall, right eye is going out of focus?
11jan: "Train dream w/ R and D, train hopping after its very late, not breaking the 'rules', break door at end, like wow, lose honor.
29jan: Bringing little lions for trade acrosse desert.
1feb: Playing a star wars RPG in DTW, yes I'm in Monkey form.
18feb: Traveling to meet people in a Cape Cod cottage. It's a judge' and there is a trial taking place. I crash land somewhere and go visit them. They have a daughter my age who is nice enough and we share everything nicely. Her older sister is a hot blonde who I make out with nicely.
2apr: Dreamt that locals were asking me to pick funny looking veggie because they believed my judgement is good luck, because of a lie I regret telling?
19may: Dreamt that I was suddenly responsible for my siblings.
20may: Someone fires a gun which keeps on shooting.
7jun: Around world w/ R. Stop at train station to talk to Boss P. AMS, DXB then direct flight to anytown USA?

I expect I could well use the income from a highly successful corporate type job, the passion or lack thereof, not to mention ideological differences notwithstanding. I understand most people mean well at the start and that there is a fundamental contradiction between the noncomformist and the richER. That being said, however, clearly I can find goals that are neutral in ethics and still require $. Like space exploration, hard climate isolation and so on. I'm somewhat running in circles with the issue of ideaological association and how its supposed to be lonely at the top

Sometimes it feels like I'm walking the fine line between egocentricity and intelligent sensitivity towards silent body language. 'Course, as with most people I think I've developed quite a knack for detecting whether someone likes me or not (especially when it comes to someone from the opposite sex), but if these body language 'conversations' go on for longer than intended (possibly due to shyness on my part) then it opens up a huge gray area for interpretation. Seems like my mind wastes entirely too much time speculation on why other people act the way they do, when it would be so much simpler just to ask them! But, my ego being what it is, finds it simpler to steer any and all speculation about other's opinions of me in a firmly protective if not positive direction, removing the need for any actual ice breaking.. Resolution for the month of June: Be more social.

P.S. Them's not ads in the white on the right hand side, they're my shared items from google reader, where the other 99% of my online time goes.. ;)

Sigh, sooo satisfied.. Not sure I'm being as disciplined as I should, but once a week I go overboard: information bingeing..

Sometimes I think I might be trying too hard. I mean I go to ALL the job interviews I get. In and of itself I think that's fine, maybe I shouldn't apply for the jobs I don't want. Ok enough about what I would have twittered.. (Hint, hint.. I'm adolfonp on there)

The first thing that comes to me when I think of that number, in order:
1: The first, the best
2: Dislike this one since it reminds me of being 'second best'.. I like being the leader
3: Reminds me of "Why?"
4: Work
5: Police
6: Used to be, you know, _evil_.. Now trying to spruce up its image by changing the 'i' to an 'e'
7: Luck
8: The symbol for eternity
9: Internet
10: One shot
11: Change
12: One
14: Artificial Intelligence
15: 15 minutes of fame
17: Last
18: 7
19: My b-day!
I know, very subjective!

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something.. Since it seems like often I don't do anything when I should be doing something. People I've talked to suggest that I should get a hobby, or try to make friends.. I think they're partly right, I'm missing the social aspect of it.. I think thais not all, though, as I often like being alone. I think I'm missing something like the social aspect of being in a church.

Some notes about recently..
I see our evolution going in the direction of "augmented reality". Better perception, enhanced by creation. Being able to "see" sound waves, our mind's eye focusing into letting us draw on our FOV.
My budget is ok, I haven't had to dip into my savings but I'm worried at my laziness with respect to budgeting mirroring the major financial debt I once got into.
These days is close to "good times", although I'm sure I'm influenced by the freedom of my days off.
I'm still recording my dreams, they're interesting.
I'm not so anxious to get the iPhone, rather the software updates.
So I've been thinking about the spectrum of the forces of physics, in my attempts to fly with the power of my mind alone. Electrical force is much stronger than gravity, the only problem being that on the whole objects on the stellar scale (i.e. the earth) are neutral. What if instead of only 2 charges, positive and negative, white and black, we found a spectrum of charge? Not like the single attractive force of gravity. Maybe there's an even stronger force with more possibilities for charges.
19apr: waking up in the middle of the night cause someone being "shadow people" dropped something. Talking I can tolerate but careful!
Overall pretty happy w/ my body

My efforts to go green
This winter I began to get borderline obsessive in my efforts to save the environment. Ever since I graduated, the need for using my computer diminished, so although I found myself wanting to turn it on to check RSS and such I now limit myself to only using my computer on days when I don't work (since I can check my email anyway).

Pictures of my Hawaii trip at pages.videotron.ca/adolflow !

Started sunday after work (overtime), yqb Monday mornin', guilt, dtw easy, msp brokedown, sea late.
After hours walking home, felt bad about not calling her, swam in public Waikiki at 3 am.
Tuesday Mary took me out to breakfast then to diamond head. I went all around and came up the beach side into the army compound. Walked home that night and had cereal for a snack.
Wednesday I went to ala moana and then to the movies to stay out of the sun since I was sunburnt.
Thursday I went to sea life park and learnt just how strong the current can be when I tried to swim out to a little island.
Friday I went to the north shore, it was awesome getting thrown around by the surf. I watched another movie at night.
Saturday I went on a hike in the morning then to ala moana in the afternoon for more curry and mac nut bars. For the evening I went to a Luau.
Sunday I went to hanauma bay, it was very tropical. I saw many brightly colored fish.
Monday I went back to the north shore, specifically waimea bay. The people were cool.
Tuesday I didn't do very much in preparation for my flight home. I watched I am legend, very sad.

Lately I realized that I somehow stumbled into the role of Ford Prefect from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I acquired a satchel, and I feel like I'm using the guide when I'm using my phone or ipod. All I need now is the ability to flag down a flying saucer and I'll be all set.

Today was my day off, and I was lazy, guilty, hedonistic, went further than I have in a long time, and basically put more into question when I should have been solidifying the tried and true foundations of planning and working for my future.
I want to believe in an open minded society, but there is so little proof and when I do meet people who seem to believe, their reasons are so out of reach it is hard to want to be with them and society. I feel anti-social, and unwanted by others such as the people I meet on the bus, which I take pleasure in since I could be taking the car but I feel like the bus is 'greener'..
Things were pretty weird at some point earlier today. After I gave in to so many of my temptations and just did every even though so many details were not exactly OK, telling myself I only get one day off a week.. Except I feel like I spent more than a week's worth of work already.. So, better end this now before I let myself wallow any longer. It's done, and although I do kind of long to be with other people, I want them to want me.

Long dream where I was at a cottage yearning for attention and/or commitment from the friend but they were more interested in other friends. Interestingly the friend that the dream friend most reminded me of i.r.l. I hadn't talked to in so long and just happened to IM me out of the blue this morning. Last parts were of a smoldering forest, only recalled any after keeping myself hidden.. Shocked out of my skin by this image:

I like to think a possible heaven on earth is after I've solved the problem of finite time and resources I'll be able to create art and novelty, study the science of nature and explore the universe.
Today's thought theme was "the common goal": how other people are useful for helping and how it feels better than average being part of a joint effort. I want to opt-in to people's rules 'cause I want things that happen to erode and I am not clear on how to build bridges.
I want my thought contribution to be excellent it it's own way. I also want to be able to retreat to a place of sustainable stasis whenever and for however long...
Another common goal was the automation of child rearing. Seems that if it would be possible to build a
machine that could read thoughts or put itself in a baby's shoes after we solved the problem of infinite resources for everyone then the only thing the baby could possibly cry about would be wanting other people.

These days I wonder if it might just be me.. Seems like everything's changing.. Maybe I'm just being extra sensitive to the change. Don't get me wrong, I like change, it's just that it invariably begs the question, appealing to one's pride and ego, "How can I control this change so that I'd .."
I still want to be with you, more than so many of the the only things I can know why (?)

It's hard to believe that _I_ could be too hard on my own self, but it's like I make promises to myself, "Oh after this I will let myself buy such-and-such." Which I still think are 'guilty pleasures' when the time comes. I'm all about not giving in to temptation when I'm home, like I'm making up for past crimes all the time. It's not like any amount of work will ever satisfy the guilt, since nothing can change the past.
Ok, more concretely, should I be looking for a better job?

http://www.designboom.com/weblog/index.php
Recently it seems like the ever expanding model of the universe is a particularly fitting metaphor. Now I don't want to sound depressing but it just seems like I'm only every growing further apart from other people, when what I really want is to get closer. I'm also not being chauvinistic when I say I'm not particularly obsessed with one person, I'm not trying to be arrogant by saying all this very stereotypical to me stuff about free love and let's all love each other, relationships can be very serious, what with stds and possible heartbreaks, etc. what with coming from different cultures, etc. Going off topic a little, I had a rather iffy (like this isn't necessarily politically correct and/or might be little too costly for me) feeling from the beginning. It seems like there were more and more something, you'll have to forgive my half attention span due to watching something else.

http://ffffound.com/image/b792d0dac26ac6209e1fd262382b9389d3ddaeb0

http://ffffound.com/image/78d699fa2ca18ff51435b2bac8c282be51592c87

So I want thinking about breathing last night, seems like humans do it, plants do it, but nothing man-made (i.e. machines) do it. Plants and humans complement themselves very well by producing what each other uses, but I think most of the air is still nitrogen. So, if we could build a filter that would separate nitrogen from the air, we could have cars that run on nitrogen in much the same way they use nitro boosts for racing. Then ideally the output would be oxygen and carbon dioxide, so that everyone would be happy! ;)
Also had a nice flying dream last night, flying down the hall of someone's building after doing delivery (even though I haven't worked there in almost 6 months). I knew it was the wrong floor,and something was wrong with my eyes as I flew (my right eye was going out of focus and being crossed, causing me to steering to the left). Something about how pilots' main requirement is 20/20 vision.
Cute

I have a new website (basically migrated my cs@mcgill account) on my computer, which means I don't use a webserver, but on the other hand is only available when my computer's connected to the internet (not that often since I put it to sleep when I'm not around).

Recent dream about living in the wild, as a small tribe of folks who had guns, trying to fend for themselves in competition with and largely outnumbered by the other tribe, who was aggressive for some reason.

Almost made it, but they overtook us at the end. Listening to the Cranberries' song Zombie now, it seems particularly fitting, as I felt like it mirrored the situation I find myself in sometimes trying to make decisions not to feel desolate.

Things on my mind these days:

-Does tailgating an 18-wheeler on the highway reduce wind resistance significantly?
-When people say drugs are illegal because of money, I think they're right, but not for the reason some people are so fond of conspiring (drugs cartels are paying the govt). I think that it's because consciously or subconsciously, the wiser majority has seen that (some) illegal drugs just aren't sustainable, neither micro or macro-economically. That is, they cost more to produce than could ever be worth it to consume. In this environment, anyway. [Edit: just a theory, not sure how I like it yet, don't bite my head off.
-If I'd ever admit to being sad (big if) it would have to be because there's so much I want to do. For example, I want to do as little work as possible (or at least work on my own terms, and work on what I want, as opposed to being forced to work to sustain myself, "for a living"). Yet, there's a lot of luxury I want to experience..

Deja vu while looking up stuff I missed from class because I was surfing the web for personal interest. Its perspective was so harsh, treating me like a new freshman (I get that a lot this semester), that I blamed the prof. I've felt this way before, my first semester. Not a good memory, changing it this time..

Patterns update: Feel like I'm reliving my senior year of high school.. :(

It's weird, for the past several days, no matter how late I've gone to bed the night before, how upside down my sleep schedule has been, and most peculiarly, no matter how long I wish to toss and turn in the morning, every single time I get up to check the time on my watch (I know, no alarm clock is an annoying trailing habit I should break.. just find me a suitable one)..

Right so anyway, every day for the past several days when I've gone to check the time it's been exactly 8 am (or 9 this weekend I think, point is the exactness), Exactly! It's like I have a virtual wake up call!

Making the right decision: Expected Value Theory:

The worst that can happen:

Oh, I won't write about that, I mean let's not be pessimists here. So there's not getting good enough grades in school, which leads to not graduating and having my whole mom's side of the family be disappointed in me. Dad too, probably. Then there's not making probation (they have all they need to use against me) and getting fired from my job, which would have all of Dad's side disappointed in me.
Now, I want to say, let's add insult to injury. Is having people be disappointed in me really the worst that can happen? Well when you consider how many favors I'm asking, me the one who never asks, it seems pretty important.

The best that can happen:

Shh.. You'll jinx it! I guess it's a good sign that disappointing people is the worst thing I think can happen to me.

New post, to get all that negativity off the front page. Printer problems, I don't get it, I didn't change anything?
It's already thanksgiving here, so thanks to all the people in my life who've helped make me who I am today. I'm especially thankful to the people who were patient with me when I gave them undue attention while I learnt from their good influence. My roommates, etc.

Listening to GYBE always has such an emotional effect on me.. I'm listening to one of their good ones now, don't even know which one, and just talking about it is giving me glow. What I was feeling earlier was this very wistful, listless feeling, remembering the days when I was in high school, possibly because I tried to pull the old switcharoo on David who just logged on. By pulling it on him I of course mean completely unbeknownst to him, as I was just exploring the reverse world pattern where he would be exactly the way I was back in high school and I'd be how he was.
In any case, a very fall-like feeling, not knowing where my life is going, feeling like this all or nothing meme is going to get its bluff called soon. Winter's looming and it's not enticing to me to be homeless.. I feel like it's the reverse world pattern with Julia though, with her calling me, etc. She has so much stuff, if she were a little more flexible I could really change her. Now though I feel like it's a good opportunity but I'm being morose about it.

Dreamt that I was being careless as I've been fearing.. Hedonistic, testing how little work I can do before getting kicked out/fired.

----

Dreamt that I was taking the train away from the airport. It was somehow not what I supposed to do given my job, but I didn't want to wait on the plane. As we left the vicinity of the airport it started getting real quite and I had to grudgingly admit that it was a nice way to travel.

Recently since I've been relaxing my strict diet (at an alarming rate) with the rationalization that I'm still just nearing average, I've found that halving a lot of the hedonism I've engaged in has unexpected results. They may only be a co-occurring effect, but the meme that letting go of savings and planning and 'living for the moment' has led to many spur of the moment decisions, which in turn lead to feeling less in control of my schedule.
Last week it felt like although I spent an outrageous 4-5$ (that would be 4-5$ more than I've spent in the past 3 years combined). I feel like Kate, a semester shy of graduating (and that's flattering me), but not caring and needing administrative McGill staff to call her at home to remind her.
The homeless meme makes so much sense, even though it's quite scary and depressing, not to mention completely out of question given my family and upbringing.
One constant since I moved back after my first year (so many things changed, like I should have a label for that specific time, after adolescence) is dreams recording, I'm quite proud of that.

Longish dream for the realtime amount, with little substance, sadly. From what I can remember, (the end mostly) it was long overtime at work, waiting for something. I was rather enjoying it, it felt like a storm day at school, which meant not enough attendance to do actual work. Near the end I was planning on going to get refreshments (mostly junk food being at the airport and all) and was letting coworkers know (of which there was only SN). Starting up the DVD menu for a movie, talked about Quicktime a little.
I commented, in my more mac-affiliated perspective, that I thought the name was pretty cool. Spent entirely too much time trying to convey how those two words, neither of which had anything to do with video, really, combined to give a name that was now ingrained in my mind as referring to the video program on Mac.
The DVD menu for that movie was of a guy (not the focal point) riding a giant panther (the focal point) like in warcraft, such that the camera was following the panther, and none of the terrain was visible. Basically you just had a panther running in mid-air.
I mention some passing remark to cover-up why I thought quicktime was cool from so long ago, without explaining how long I've known about it. The question then became what I'd had about the pigs scene in Lion King (memory really fuzzy around here) to which I tried to reply what I'd already had but with more, emphasis, breaking down midway and laughing it off, "..Phew, I was all over the place on that one, let me go get what I wanted and I'll be back and I can explain everything in detail.."

Dreamt that I was in a hard place, like it was an inappropriate time to indulge (as it always seems to be, these days - not that the ever increasing guilt is in anyway hindering the effectiveness of the temptation.. Sometimes I think it's encouraging me). Like I think I was at work, at the gate or something, and I had to wait. So I was waiting, but still...

Anyway, I see Vinicius. I haven't seen him in about 6-7 years, he's changed, and I'm not too sure it's him. I have to look him in the eyes a while trying to recognize, but not making progress. Besides, I'm not even really sure I'd want to talk to him, even if I was sure it was him, we didn't exactly leave on good terms.

So we kind of nod at each other, acknowledging some level of recognition, which could be anywhere from his remembering who I am to his just nodding at me 'cause I'm in his way. I get on with him and we drive around, never mentioning the past. I forsake some of my responsibilities to spend more time, but in the end we split before we can really do anything.

I've narrowed down getting the feeling of warm glow on my forehead to:

1) Something definitely dependent on other people, most usually when they are very focused or exerting themselves a lot. If I disturb them, or otherwise make them think I'm not 'with' them, the feeling fades.
2) Something that results from listening to powerful songs, usually ambient and entrancing.

It feels so good, I try to give that feeling to others when applicable, my method being just willing them to feel it.

Deja vu is more common, still melancholy. It's like they're things I've done before, combined with the feeling of foreboding concerning my failed attempt at burning out and the resulting ever-present guilt (which I get the feeling won't simply disappear after I have) make it hard to enjoy the wonder.
Latest was while writing the following sentence in a text file I'm venting in right now:
"I don’t blame her, but trading my low-fat diet for her reason in favor of high-fat meals without.."
I'm listening to GYBE, "12.28.99", and I was getting the glow (getting it again now) but it faded during the deja vu (since I'd presumably done this before, which is of no interest to them).

Dream that I went to Osheaga or some kind of festival like that in the usual tag along w/ Th and them. I was on stage at some point and the performers gave me a look pointing to some of kids on stage, taking the spotlight. I passed that look onto security but he was like, "They're just kids" thinking I was taking matters into my own hands. They left.
As the show progressed we threw paint into the crowd and body surfed by just standing. Then after while it was another band I bought a nice watch which defaulted in the color pink but was color changeable. Now I don't remember if I started wearing or not but I spent the rest of the dream looking for the color change.
After they filled the audience area with water and had people drive around in cars, which floated in the dream. My old bosses from PA were like, "I'm glad he don't have access to our truck no more." Later I spend some time at Julia's but I have to go get my half done things (like my car still parked somewhere near the festival). I'm driving the econoline truck down the street when all of a sudden two zapatistas open fire on the car in front of me. I guess it was because it was a cop car, but an econoline is still commercial so I was worried. In any case, didn't get to find the car, woke up.*

*: Woke up freaking out because I thought I'd overslept. (I don't know if it's the shortening days or starting an hour earlier, but I was late for work yesterday.) Before going back to bed before this dream, I'd imagined Sal's voice telling me, "Call me when you're done with this, ok?" and right after waking, before looking at the time, I hear him, "ok".

Weird feeling of my eyes failing me..
First happened when I first met/was introduced to Flor, I maintained my usual standoffish/nonchalant attitude, not straying beyond the polite. As we both resume facing outwards, my right eye started straying, giving a double vision like effect. The only way to control it was by closing my left eye.
This morning while listening to Bush, 'Little things', "..I'm addicted to food" same thing happened.

Worried about being a bad role model
I'm taking more chances now, and giving into the burnout meme a lot more these days.
It's starting to backfire in the sense that I'm remembering all the people that look up to me _after_ I've given up on a particular good habit.. What will happen to my younger siblings if I just disappear? Last time wasn't pretty..

Here's the deal: there is the possibility that I may be invited to move to NYC in December.

That's when I graduate and coincidentally a friend of my roommate's gets out of her lease, meaning there might be someone to sublet my apartment.

Now square footage in NY is about 4 times as expensive as I'm used to and it doesn't look like there will be need for much of my possessions.

Now I've been playing around with this burnout meme for a while now, and it's taken pretty good care of me so far this summer.

Even though my pride balked at the notion of selling/storing all my stuff, I see now that it would be in pretty good alignment with the meme for me to basically get rid of all my possessions..

It's just that winter's coming and I don't want the image my parents have of me to freeze into someone 'different'... again.

I also kind of want to keep my possessions, in like a crash pad or something..

My dream was about me exploring, breaking the rules somewhat. It started with me convincing everyone to follow me to this other planet, a place where an official explorer team had been sent before. They were reluctant, since I think it was implied that we were to stay put and wait (which really didn't appeal to me). Anyway, I got them to follow me, but as we arrived and the exploration progressed, my confidence waned.
The team was nowhere to be found, and the place was deserted (not much more fun than the place we were waiting in originally). I ran ahead because I was beginning to get desperate for something to show the group, and I found an old friend, part of the official team. He'd been part of the grade above me in school, and his hair was lighter. He was tearing through a pack of some kind of food, salad or pastry (whatever it was it was meant to be eaten with utensils). I saw him first but he saw me right after. Clearly I would have wanted to hide, there definitely seemed to be something wrong with him. His wild eyes locked on to me and he smiled wide, didn't say anything too intelligent but only moved toward me very slowly if at all. I had time to leave before he could touch me (presumably the hypothesis at this point was that the whole team hadn't reported back because they'd gotten sick or something). I found a very weak member of the crew, an older woman (played by Filomena from work) who was pretty thin and frail. She seemed motionless but was conscious, so I thought it was safe to pick her up and bring her back to the group. They were closer to the exit and would leave when I was ready so I figured if we brought her back we wouldn't be returning empty-handed and at we'd have done good.
As soon as I brought her to show the group, she stirred, still in my arms (I was carrying her like a baby). Soon after opening her eyes, she looked at me, but rather than welcome the smile I was trying to give her, she just reacted to the closeness between us and rabidly bit the space between my neck and left shoulder. Clearly the disease gave her super-strength, or a huge mouth with teeth, 'cause she really tore in there! My reaction was like, 'Ow!!! Dude I thought we were friends!'
I pulled on the hair on the back of her head with my right hand as hard as I could (I had been trying to be nice until then). I don't know what gave it away (the looks on my colleagues faces?) but I realized that I probably then had whatever they had (the disease), and I screamed, "Noooo!"
That's when I woke up, and thought in hindsight that it was similar to the zombie facebook application.

One of my favorite fantasies is.. Get this, imagining others can read my thoughts. You should try it! It does wonders for your politeness!

I mean it's no secret (according to psychology) that people's thoughts influence their behaviors (and vice versa, but that's for another night. Therefore, once you start acting (or thinking, rather) like everyone can hear your thoughts, then you start keeping pretty much all your negative behaviors in check, i.e. road rage, etc. It works especially well for excessively hateful or hypocritical people.

As for the plausibility, well there has been talk and experiential reports of telepathy between very close people. I know, I know, if it were true then obviously someone would jump at the opportunity to 'discover' it for science. Hypothetically speaking, the two main avenues discussed by (admittedly more 'new age' or 'far out' thinkers) have been pheromones and brain-waves. Of these two brain-waves seems the most likely to me, in conjunction with some kind of quantum uncertainty. I mean, in a circuit as complicated as the brain, I bet it wouldn't take much to set a synapse off, which could then theoretically chain react into a specific thought. It requires a leap of faith, but then again all you need is the possibility to let the fantasy take off..

Julia != Julie

My biggest fear right now is that I'm being stupid about my relationship with Julia. It's like I'm either at one extreme or the other, totally nonchalant and playing it cool, or totally clingy and asking for too much. It's just so coincidental, what attracts me about her, that she was married to a guy named Ryan, etc.. Telling myself that I'm older, more mature, and 'ready for it' now is one thing that has helped me believe that I could overcome the pattern this time.

So looking at the positives, I mean it's hard not to get wrapped up in a spiral of attraction, where I just end up wanting like a madman, without really being able to justify it. I don't want to be on the wrong end of unrequited love, either. She's beautiful AND her personality is just unbelievable too! She's sexy and likes sex, I mean that combination is just so rare! We both like eating healthy, and she knows all these recipes and likes to cook!

Super independent kind of gets me sometimes, I mean I don't know anyone who doesn't put themselves first, but I really want for her to want me more. I mean I know she's a lot more experienced in relationships than I am, but I don't want to be just another relationship to her!

So all I can say is that I'm working on believing that this is really an opportunity for a long-lasting and meaningful relationship, and if I let my pattern fears get in the way I'm really going to have blown a huge opportunity! Of course, my emotional armor won't let me get involved if involved means vulnerable, but the fact that I just threw out some of my beliefs to be what she wants kind of scares me in what it seems like I've invested. And we can have a Rabbi if she wants, I just want her.

I think I'm working with types. Or at least incarnations. I think that's what the guy meant in Clockwork Orange, when he keeps referring to his friends/gangmembers as 'droogs'.. In any case, at my work, although there is some kind of strict hierarchy w.r.t to seniority and supervisors, on the other hand there really is only one person from corporate in the whole station (who usually works upstairs) and it's like everyone else in on their own against her (the union vs. corporate). Seems like if they're (we're) all independent it's easier to find archetypes in them. I know, drugs isn't exactly the most p.c. archetype to find (has it even been done yet?) but greek/egyptian planets etc. I don't know that well.

Anyway, we have a major supervisor Lucy, pretty old full-timer, which I attribute to acid (for obvious reasons). Then there's Salvador, who everyone calls Sal (and I call Salvia). There are also groups like the burnouts and the pretty people. Besides that I'm pretty much making it up as I go now, but I'm sure there's others.. It's just how everyone's so independent, makes you sure they have something going on for them, some kind of power or something. Like this girl Mana, I mean her name is the power source for magic-users in WoW!..

Sobering up with the postmature baby. Last november I pretty much crashed and renounced my 'role-models' because I despised the idea that I should like to be more like any other man than myself.. That any other man should be 'the man' for any length of time was totally unacceptable to me, at that exact moment. I kept renouncing, and men kept stepping up. I ended up quite lost, with some kind of resentment for all other men in my heart. Right now my position has mollified somewhat, although I still wish to be at best neutral with respect to other men. I want the company of women (although that extreme has proven to be less than ideal as well) and I understand the appeal of having male friends (army, people who are like you and want to work towards the common goal).

My goals stay similar to always. Alone, I can control my perception of the world more easily. I want to explore and have a businesslike and clear-cut relationship with other men. I want power over them, violent power, yet I don't want that to even be a remote possibility, much less a necessity, since I would choose peace across the board if possible (isn't that how it is in paradise?).

16

Starting work at Buffalo. Can barely stay awake 'cause I came straight. I want to go wash hands. The other guys either want to train me or give me lower jobs (which I'd normally try and prove I can sell and am better than) I dress myself in things from the store and then put them away. I can literally barely remember where I took the stuff. and just keeping my eyes open is hard. A customer comes in.

Cut to talking about delivery job w/ Matt ('cause I thought i was 'generating' him too) and he says I still need the paper (i.e. writing them down) if I'm not going to do that forever (i.e. work at P.A.) while I pack order (grapes underneath) because: "The main drug is needy"..

25 night of 24 June

"You're within 24 hours of being arrested," the fully dressed FBI agent compassionately says kneeling beside my lying body in my bed.

"On what charge?"

"Let me show you:"

Quotes by 'Adolfo' on the internet: *begin forwarded message*

So I run.

9 Jul

Running around a hotel gaining p on guests as the last king of scotland. Super pumped on a drug that hypes you up but makes you sooo cold too (going up elevator, having to run from bad guys constantly too).

19

In the Amazon, working odd jobs (and the gap between the rich and poor is worse). National Geographic awards go to the house with the most water. Playing with turtle and croc in the water, huge, no fear.

21

My bed looks like gently lapping waves.

31

Dreamt of an episode of Home Improvement. Wanting to buy an outside rocking chair but he's already gotten one (Wilson) a long time ago, Tim didn't even know his neighbor well enough to know that. It was the last episode and as everyone sat on the rocker you could see Wilson's face.

Sometimes I think I can palpably love someone to point where they feel it with just my thoughts..
This comes to me from the feeling I get when I listen to certain songs with a certain mindset.
Granted, there's more to love than just a warm glow on your forehead, but I want to believe it's not just a closed circuit between the music and I.
I guess skepticism deserves its reputation for cynicism. Everything I like so much about belief, synchronicity and telepathy, the proof is too beautiful to remember sometimes.

When I was young I wanted to be famous. Maybe it's because I still didn't understand that you can't think you're better than someone without creating a superior/inferior relationship, which I try to downplay these days.

I think a lush edenic garden where everything is abundant and free, with an internet connection..

"You keep me on the ground.." I mean

Here's a pic of my sister and I last time I went to QC to visit my family.

Shot four times in my right shoulder last night.. Just like in T2

My interesting dream recently was another stormy and rainy night though.. "This life thing is over" somebody said, and that pretty much summed up the theme of it. I was at a red light, going to the set of my job. The people in the car beside me gun the engine and pass me by far, I'm frustrated but let them go. As I follow them I see they have a huge cage tied to the top of their car. I regret getting mad at them now, since if they unleashed that thing on me I would definitely not want to get any closer.

It looks like a huge bat in there and I'm wondering what kind of sick goths are driving that car. We end up at the same place and I'm just glad that thing is still in it's cage. It turns out to be a koala, but it's still pretty scary the way it looks at me..w

It all started when I was home alone and I started getting strange clues that someone was getting into my apartment. I would be sure noone was home, but then I'd find a pack of food out of place, etc. I was getting scared, 'cause why was someone in my house? What were they waiting for to make their presence known? I mean, the only thing that they could be waiting this long for (to actually get hungry waiting and have to take some of my food) would be something they didn't want me to know about.

So I got the bright idea to have a sleepover and invite lots of people. My two roommates came, and they invited their friends, and the night passed by quickly 'cause I didn't really know them so I didn't really talk to them (not social, I know). I was so happy when I realized you were there, though! It was near the end of the night (3-4 in the morning) and you were lying in my roommate's room. I'm sure it would have been fine for you to crash anywhere, but I wanted you to sleep in my room, and since you were my friend I thought it was for sure you would have to.

[Note: I often do things in my dreams that are "childish" or 'impulsive', like giving in to my desires without giving them much higher thought. In retrospect I find the way I 'forced' you to wake up and come sleep in my room wrong and borderline antisocial since the most social people I know don't focus on one person but let people be themselves. Maybe I missed out on the opportunity to sleep with someone who was still awake and interested in me and wanted to talk and hold each other or something. Sorry for the sex.]

So I put you in my room. I went back out to find a friend of yours who was still awake and wanted to sleep (it was arranged for my room). When we came back you were on my bed but sideways so we didn't have place. So I had to wake you up again, and this time we got ready for bed (brush teeth, etc.) You were on the far left, then your friend, then me. I thought I knew the friend, but it wasn't the only person I could think of since she was much older. I was disappointed 'cause I wanted to sleep next to you. [Again, in hindsight, I wasn't thinking of your bf obligations at all.] You just gave me a look, like, 'it's for the best'. So we fell asleep, and the last thing I said before we were supposed to fall asleep was, 'Mmm, wouldn't it be good to have some of that cake they had earlier?' (One of the people had made a cake and there was lots left) and I turn to look at you and you both are like, 'what do you mean, THIS cake?' and you were both EATING SOME and offering me some!! I refused even though I wanted some lots. I wanted to go back on my decision but I have this thing where if I make a decision I find it really hard to trust someone enough to let them know I changed my mind. Then I thought, I'd have to brush my teeth again, etc.. So I basically just wasted your time wanting some and having you try to convince me to let you give me some.

Finally after falling asleep I regained my confidence and started flying (literally levitating two feet off the ground) from my room to the kitchen super fast. Unfortunately when I got there I noticed a bag of popcorn in the microwave, unpopped. This was after everyone was gone, so I started getting really scared the intruder from the beginning was back again. Then I woke up.

Recent dreams (copied from notes)
Feb 17 2007 - March 11 2007

Breaking into PA's empty highrise, running into someone carrying a TV. Panicking while holding and knowing the cops are coming. Working for my sheets.
Recently breaking out of prison.

In prison.. They're busting an animal out right after he and I got convicted so I can come too. I should place a a playing walkman by the phone in case they call to check out while I'm escaping. The breaker-in has to face major hurdles. A guard (who wakes up from the tranq right and and offers hints for the next) a snake and a fog after. Can't seem to hit the snake w/ the tranq.

I'm really scared of getting caught. The prison psychologist comes to pay me a visit (like he'll do every day), I get cable and am watching a show, the simpson's, where homer has a monkey on a rope, who gets twisted and becomes an antennae or something. Homer takes credit for going that on purpose. That's when the psychologist comes in, asks me about the show, what do humans want to be (if not animals). I don't answer, others animals are in balls like antelopes, now brains are in them. He leaves, after saying, "Welcome" and meaning it, etc.

I set up and everything and get really scared 'cause if I get caught I'll lose more (cable, phone) and surely be watched closer against further attempts to break out. Go to work (catching the bus gets me off the island). JP strangely nice (reads my mind for a Q I was going to ask). Also smoke pot w/ people 'cause I didn't want to miss/lose track of them. (I knew this was the first time in like 3 years (felt like more) and I really didn't want to.)

BTW escaping was returning to the life in the mob. As I was following an older guy in another car, he lets me patrol the next street. When I decline and go though an alley to finish the job I had (celine, sp?) he says, " Well, you're going to have to find your own territory if you don't want to do this here." (the if before the then). And I remember how scare/hard finding my own territory is.
\

March 5th 2007

First long dream where Dan has an episode on Datura (not really, but I don't remember the reason he wasn't himself).

He just kept asking for the drugs until we met up w/ Matt again.

Swam across from Mtl to Nun's Island, and mat's like, "too bad, it is super toxic."

Getting him away from the party solved his asking me for drugs. but going back w/ Matt now in charge.

I wasn't exactly 'cool' and asked a question which got no answer.

In the other room everything is there (except for me, matt, Dan and a better friend of the host [looked like Dana]) (he's who I asked).

Other room: people (I'm afraid of) are Rachel and her friends lost of ppl inl. guys. Playing video games (think maybe risk, but the fights are real). Noah's in the bathroom and Rachel's getting beat up.

Ah! What a nightmare! I dreamt that I was being held down, struggling with all my might but they were too many, as they wanted to cut my eyelashes, "for my own good"!